Facebook Announces it Will be Closing its Doors Cos… All Facebook Accounts are FAKE ANYWAY!


Over the past six months, Facebook has removed over 3.2 billion fake accounts, following the 3 billion it removed in the six months before that. Today, they’ll be closing their doors for good because, as Suckerburger or Zuchiniburg (or whatever) puts it, “Everyone here is a robot anyway.”

Facebook decided it was the only appropriate move to make since their social network has been nothing more than a mix of robots and advertisements yelling at each other since the social network first launched (ED: People can’t even decide whether or not emojis are actually a heterophobic conspiracy, whether gaming fans are Nazi sympathisers,.or whether or not their unhinged rants are actually visible to other users!) Now whereas many of us thought we were communicating with our actual friends and family, Android psychologist Dr. Mike R’Foney recently published a paper informing the world that six out of every six people on Facebook is indeed a software-driven personality of one kind or another.

The paper outlines its arguments as follows:

When scrolling Facebook, you’ll notice that your friends’ photos are devoid of the usual blemishes, often being covered by animal features or flags. Since these robots have a difficult time distinguishing between mammals, this makes sense. And with the flags, well, robots are incapable of empathy, so the flags laid over the photos to make it seem like they’re capable of caring about human tragedies!

The problem is, however, that the only people viewing these photos are made of microchips, making the deception pointless. When an anonymous software analyst spoke on the subject, she stated:

We were alerted to the problem by overwhelming “thoughts and prayers.” You see, computer programs rarely have arms and legs, so the only way they’re capable of contributing is to offer empty sentiments. Though these programs wouldn’t have the emotional capability to contribute more even if they did have functional limbs.

She followed up with a mind-blowing conclusion.

The biggest issue isn’t the fake user profiles, but the number of androids walking around in the community. Every Facebook account is manned by a robot or software program, and that should be far greater news than my employer closing up shop.

At the last comment, sparks flew as the 300 in attendance at the press conference overheated from processing errors.

Author: Nicholas Vrchoticky