Ford Unveils Tesla Killer: Better by Every (Meaningless) Metric

Tesla nemesis

Tesla likes to call themselves the leader in Electric Cars just because they have sold more than any other brand by unit as well as total sales dollars. Well Ford just made things interesting with their latest Tesla-Killer, and it promises to beat Tesla in many ways.

Sure, Tesla is still the leader in range, performance, sales, popularity, and reliability, but the new Ford f-FS has them beat in many ways, though admittedly, most of them aren’t meaningful to average drivers.

Industry Leading 26 cup holders

There are no cars on the market with more cup holders. Tesla tops out at a paltry four, which leading analysts from the oil and gas industry all agree is woefully inadequate.

All-Aluminum Body Foil

Forget heavy steel, Ford engineers have come up with a lightweight, low cost aluminum foil that not only looks truly unique, but also makes a distinct sound while driving at any regular speed.

Solar panel can fully charge the battery

Unlike previous Electric Vehicles which could only charge secondary systems with their solar panels, the Ford can actually charge the entire vehicle, provided adequate sunlight and the passage of time.

Some forward-thinking utility companies, such as Con Edison, have begun to use behavioural programs to shift EV Load Management to avoid peak times. However there is still a need to address the immediate needs during a DR event. So if current EV-related DLC programs have a lower impact, and behavioural programs aren’t effective during a DR event what is the next best option? Utilities should combine both programs to create a more complete solution for managing EV load.

6,100 pounds makes it a commercial vehicle

Forget tax credits, at this weight you can register it as a bus or dump truck, and soak up all those business credits.

Customizable Drive-Tone

Electric cars are much too quiet, so Ford offers a battery (heh) of DriveTones you can select to make your car still sound like a traditional gas vehicle. Well not quite, since selections like “The Jetsons” make it sound like the old cartoon flying cars, “Tie Fighter” which makes it howl like Lord Vader’s noble sentry craft, and “Spooky Ghost” which sounds like, well, you get the idea.

There are more than 300 DLC DriveTones available for as little as $49.99 like “Faucet,” “Tibetan Throat Song,” and “Heck’s Angel,” with only a handful over the $999 mark like “Constant Horn,” “Cartoon Fart,” and “I’m Rich!” That last one is just someone screaming “I’m rich!” through artificial gear shifts, but it’s already testing well with Ford Focus groups.

Crab-on Fiber Accents

Unlike new-fangled cars that produce cheap, ugly carbon fiber, Ford has gone back to nature with authentic Crab-On Fiber technology for a premium look and feel that takes you back to your days vacationing on the beach, repleat with subtle aroma.


While the range hasn’t been announced yet, it’s expected to be well in excess of 60 miles per charge, and it should reach the market sometime in the next “two to three, you know, maybe twenty some-odd, or so, at most,” which is promising.

While we were not able to stay around long enough to see this amazing vehicle move under its own power, we have as much confidence in its legitimacy as we do in its stunning design, so.

Ford stock is up 3% in after hours trading on the news, and gurus Citron Research, true geniuses in Electic Vehicles, are confident Tesla will be bankrupt “within minutes, probably, days definitely,” Adding, “you should sell all your stock right now.”



Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.