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Blues Legend “Deaf Willie” Johnson Dies

Blues Legend “Deaf Willie” Johnson Dies

HAZLEHURST, MS (GlossyNews) — Sources close to GlossyNews confirm that today one of the most influential voices in Delta Blues has gone to heaven. Or so we hope.

The oldest child of sharecroppers Sam and Thelma Johnson, “Deaf Willie” never let his disability hold him back. According to his sister, Sandra Johnson-Morgenstern, a vice president who oversees new acquisition leverage at Goldman Sachs, Willie enjoyed all forms of music from an early age, even though he couldn’t hear any of it. Continue Reading

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Alan Jackson’s Problem w/ World Geography Spurs Reform in Georgia Schools

Alan Jackson’s Problem w/ World Geography Spurs Reform in Georgia Schools

NEWNAN, GA — In a report issued by the Institute of Southern Studies, teachers in the South have become the largest casualties of the recession. According to researchers, the study “finds that many schools, especially in the South, are slashing school budgets – and teacher positions – in the wake of the recession.” The three states expected to make the deepest cuts in education are Georgia, Florida and North Carolina. Even more troubling for Georgia is that the state received a “C” on a national report card grading the effectiveness of its charter schools. This news was released December 7, 2009. It marks the second consecutive year that Georgia has received this grade. Continue Reading

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Lil Wayne’s Got Court – Saved by Blingy Chompers

Lil Wayne’s Got Court – Saved by Blingy Chompers

NEW YORK, NY – American rapper Lil Wayne was saved from prison by the teeth figuratively and literally. Born Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr., the spoken word artiste, spoke to the media about the dramatic turn of events.

“Jus’ a couple days ago, I was cussin’ at this mothafuckin’ naggin’ pain. Where’s my fuckin’ .44, heheh, damn!!” he said. Continue Reading

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Katy Perry Admits “I Kissed a Girl” About Fiance Russell Brand

Katy Perry Admits “I Kissed a Girl” About Fiance Russell Brand

LOS ANGELES, California — Singer Katy Perry and British comedian Russell Brand have been on the fast track to marriage since last fall, according to reports. On December 31, their engagement became official.

Because neither Perry nor Brand has unique appeal or what might be considered passable talent, they both rely on shock tactics, unconventional demeanor and public antics to maintain their celebrity status. Continue Reading

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Van Morrison Files for Bankruptcy Despite Not Being an American

Van Morrison Files for Bankruptcy Despite Not Being an American

This article was written and published as a satire on the fiscal state of wasteful celebrities, specifically Nicolas Cage, who has earned vast fortunes but still went broke. We learned that some have taken this farce as fact, but wish to set the record straight. This story IN NO WAY reflects upon Mr. Morrison and he has NOT filed for bankruptcy. He was simply chosen because his music has remained timelessly brilliant throughout the decades.

DUBLIN – Irish singer and curmudgeon Van Morrison has filed for bankruptcy in Irish Bankruptcy Court, according to a notice published on his official website today. The famously gruff singer-songwriter informed his fans that he has debts of 652 million € and assets of only 40 million € yet he stopped short of accepting responsibility for his financial meltdown. Continue Reading

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RIAA Wants Record Labels to Limit Home CD Use

RIAA Wants Record Labels to Limit Home CD Use

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) has fingered consumers who play CDs repeatedly as “the single greatest threat” to recording industry profits. The industry watchdog group is suggesting, therefore, that record labels take steps to limit the number of times a CD can be played in the home. Continue Reading

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Tiger Records Rock Album in Effort to Change Image

Tiger Records Rock Album in Effort to Change Image

Miami Beach FL (GlossyNews) – As the great Jerry Lee Lewis once sang: “Too much love drives a man insane.” Tiger Woods took a page from the Killer’s book last week and finished recording his own solo album.

The 14 track CD, tentatively titled ‘Can’t Tame This Tiger’, includes his renditions of a number of classic hits such as “Teddy Bear”, “Shot Through The Heart”, “You’re All I’ve Got Tonight”, “Satisfaction”, Continue Reading

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Billy Bob Thornton Eager to Pick Fights, Expose Inner Dick

Billy Bob Thornton Eager to Pick Fights, Expose Inner Dick

Billy Bob Thornton is an Oscar winning writer and Oscar nominated actor, though he’s perhaps best known for his position as the one-time daddy figure husband of Angelina Jolie. He’s also known by literally hundred of the world’s citizens as the powerhouse behind the hillbilly fusion band “The Boxmasters”. Following a particularly humiliating interview on CBC’s Radio Show “Q”, The Boxmasters have been booed off stage and canceled the balance of their Canada tour. Not because of the music, mind you, but because of something much worse. Continue Reading

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J-Lo’s Ass to Secede From the Union

J-Lo’s Ass to Secede From the Union

After months of inflationary pressure and exterior expansion, sources close to J-Lo’s ass are reporting the beefy rump intends to secede from the main body of Ms. Lopez. Continue Reading

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