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*80% of “Pirated Tracks” Already Legally Owned

*80% of “Pirated Tracks” Already Legally Owned

The RIAA and their cronies like to claim tirllions in lost record sales, mere pennies of which the actual recording artists eventually see, but Maybeth Barker of Parketh, Illinois is part of the trend that bucks the system.

I downloaded the whole first album from Rage Against The Machine. I already own it, but it’s buried in boxes of [stuff],” says Barker.

“I paid like $15 for it, I just can’t find it right now. Does that make me a pirate?”

The law is wiggly, but yes, without doubt or hesitation, Barker is a pirate. Since she downloaded the 12-tracks she already legally owns, she’s liable for $120,000 in damages to the RIAA, none of which will go to the recording artists.

“You’re not going to turn me in or anything, are you?” asked Barker, but it was too late. We had already turned her in to the local police, firefighters, and a guy I think was actually just an icecream man, though he did have a siren.

“I don’t even know what to do with this complaint,” said Jector Namewithheld, Badge #1836, an icecream fireman, police firefighter, or fire icesmith. “This isn’t something in our jurisdiction.”

“No, we know that the vast, overwhelming majority of so-called piracy cases are people downloading music that they already own, or can listen to for free on streaming services or over the radio,” said James Hayworth, director of candid relations at BMI, “but there’s so much money in sueing these pricks it would be criminal not to prosecute them.”

Mr. Hayworth asked to interviewed off-the-record, but only after his inflamatory remarks, so we basically shut off the recorder at that point.

“Music has been free for 80-years,” said Jason Sony, grandson of Taku Sony, and heir to the sony fortune. “If you hum it, they’ll want to tax it. That’s sad, but it’s the truth. They tried to make ring-tones a public performance, subject to royalties. Shameless, dude. They have no shame.”

When asked if by “they” he meant “he” has no shame, Sony refused to comment, but cut three lines in his forearm.

Dark, I know.

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Morbidly Obese Man’s Wish to Crowd Surf Ends Disatrilariously

Morbidly Obese Man’s Wish to Crowd Surf Ends Disatrilariously

Jacob “Don’t Use My Last Name” Wilberson of Pocatello, Idaho, has had one dream since watching grunge videos in the 90s; to crowd surf.

It came to fruition this week as it also came crashing down with as many newtons in tow as a 419 pound man can muster. According to witnesses, it wasn’t pretty, but it was pretty funny.

Heywood Jalickit told Glossy News, “First of all, I don’t even know how a dude that big gets up on the stage in the first place [what with his waddly, sweaty, stubby little legs,] but then how he can manage to jump off a stage?” Continue Reading

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New, Unpublished Song Tribute to John Wayne By Johnny Cash Discovered – ‘A Boy Named Marion’

New, Unpublished Song Tribute to John Wayne By Johnny Cash Discovered – ‘A Boy Named Marion’

Johnny Cash historians have discovered a previously unknown Cash ballad amongst his files that might be his next posthumous hit. It appears to be a rewrite of his big ’60’s hit “A Boy Named Sue” that is a tribute to movie star John Wayne.

Wayne’s name at birth was actually Marion, normally a woman’s name, which supposed caused him grief with his classmates in school. Cash seemingly saw the similarity with his “Sue” hit and decided to redo it. We have acquired the text and present it here for your entertainment. Continue Reading

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The Illuminati Responds to Shooting by Rap Artist During Pledge Week

The Illuminati Responds to Shooting by Rap Artist During Pledge Week

A Richmond Virginia man is being held without bail after his marijuana fueled attempt to sacrifice his friend in order to join the Illuminati.

The man, an aspiring rap artist believed that by killing his friend he could join the secretive world dominating organization and they would in turn, jump start his go-nowhere music career. Continue Reading

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Elvis Impersonator ‘Sounds Uncannily Like Elvis Impersonator’

Elvis Impersonator ‘Sounds Uncannily Like Elvis Impersonator’

BLOOMINGTON – Friends and colleagues of Elvis impersonator Arnold Mason agree that the 47-year-old sounds and looks uncannily like hundreds of other Elvis impersonators.

A resident of Bloomington, IN, Mr Mason has performed Elvis hits up and down Indiana for over 14 years, mesmerizing audiences with mannerisms almost identical to those of the late great Elvis impersonator Dustin Stevens. Continue Reading

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Bodyguard Sues Wrong Bieber Out of Shame

Bodyguard Sues Wrong Bieber Out of Shame

After learning just a day ago about a lawsuit filed against Justin Bieber by Moshe Benabou, a former bodyguard of the teen singer, this reporter felt there had to be more to the story than met the eye, and boy, was I right!

After doing some judicious investigating, I discovered that some time last October, Jeremy Bieber, who does not live with his son or the boy’s mother, had gone to the teen sensation’s dressing room in order to congratulate him after yet another successful concert, but after opening the door, found him ‘relaxing’ with the aforementioned Benabou. Continue Reading

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An Interview With Philip Glass During the Apocalypse

An Interview With Philip Glass During the Apocalypse

New York – In the refined New York home of Philip Glass, the great American minimalist pianist, we discussed the finer points of symphonic and chamber music over cheese and 10-year old Merlot wine.

Q: When you first began playing the piano, who were the composers that you found most influential?

A: I really enjoyed the compositions of my pet rock, Barney. I used to let him lay on the keyboard and play a single note for hours on end. It was an epiphany… Continue Reading

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What If Famous Singers Had Endured Simon Cowell’s Acid Tongue On American Idol?

What If Famous Singers Had Endured Simon Cowell’s Acid Tongue On American Idol?

Where would they be today if now famous pop artists had gone through the initiation process gauntlet that other contestants had gone through on the mega hit American Idol Show?

If they had to withstand Simon Cowell’s smarmy, dagger sharp verdicts many would have probably been mowed down like mushrooms to a lawn mower. Let’s take a trip back to the mid 2000’s and see how many of today’s artists would have fared had they been scrutinized by ‘Simon Says’ and what he would have said to them… Continue Reading

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Taylor Hicks Shocked to Hear Taylor Hicks on the Radio

Taylor Hicks Shocked to Hear Taylor Hicks on the Radio

Erstwhile American Idol victor Taylor Hicks was shopping Thursday in a Ralph’s, a supermarket owned by the Kroger company, when he heard something come over the PA that shocked him; a Taylor Hicks song.

“I heard it and I was in shock,” said a stunned, gray Hicks. “This is the first time since about three months after [I won season five of American Idol] that I’ve heard my music on the radio.” Continue Reading

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Omphaloskepsistic Guitar Soloist’s Shameful Arrest

Omphaloskepsistic Guitar Soloist’s Shameful Arrest

A man was arrested by police in the small hours of yesterday night after an angry woman made a call to the emergency services from a bar just outside the suburbs of New York.

Police were called to the scene at about 2:30am where it is believed that a band known as The F Zappas were playing.

It is understood that police stormed the bar, hurried on stage and arrested the lead guitarist on suspicion of guitar wanking. Continue Reading

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The ‘Lee Harvey Oswald Band’ Plays To Sell-Out Crowds In Dallas Nightspot

The ‘Lee Harvey Oswald Band’ Plays To Sell-Out Crowds In Dallas Nightspot

Dallas, Texas – (SatireWorld.com) Rockers Lee Harvey Oswald and Jack Ruby have a few kind words for their fans…’We love you guys!’ Ever since the rock band ‘The Lee Harvey Oswald Band’ was formed success seems to have followed them wherever they play.

First formed in 1963, the band has endured trials and travesties until it signed a record deal with MCA in 1968. The rest is recording history as the popular bar band has sold almost 700 Billion albums across the world. Continue Reading

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Exclusive Interview with Kanye West

Exclusive Interview with Kanye West

I recently had the opportunity to sit down and speak with one of the most popular and successful hip-hop artists of our time: Mr. Kanye West. The following is a transcript of our interview.

BDF: Good morning. It’s truly an honor to be able to get to meet with you.

MR. WEST: Yeah, it is.

BDF: Do you mind if I call you Kanye?

MR. WEST: Naw. Continue Reading

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