Categorized | Music, Politics, Top Stories

What the Presidential Candidates Are Doing—Right This Moment

What the Presidential Candidates Are Doing—Right This Moment

With the Election mercifully only hours away, the three major candidates (and one cameo candidate) are done putting the final touches on their respective Frankenstein campaigns. Using an unholy combination of satanic ritual coupled with classified NSA technology that hasn’t been leaked just yet, GlossyNews is pleased to reveal what each candidate is doing right this moment.

Gary Johnson–Libertarian:

1) Imagining there is a zero behind his poll numbers.

2) Revisiting his debate points and pretending he actually rated debating.

3) Regretting deleting all his porn.

4) Listening to Kaleo–“Way Down We Go” while he slowly rocks back and forth.

5) Applying for Canadian citizenship.

Hillary Clinton–Democrat:

1) Pondering how to gracefully never invite Beyonce and Jay Z to the White House.

2) Refusing to answer Obama’s drunken Skypes while she deletes emails.

3) Lamenting how she let a sure thing slip into a cesspool of existential uncertainty.

4) Listening to X Ambassadors–“Unsteady” but having difficulty focusing.

5) Applying for Canadian citizenship.

Donald Trump–Republican:

1) Developing a PAC to destroy his enemies.

2) Figuring out how to lose this thing at the last minute.

3) Developing a sound contingency plan to resign and turn the entire mess over to Pence if he actually wins.

4) Drinking Russian vodka and listening to Bruno Mars–“Uptown Funk” in his silk boxers.

5) Applying for Canadian citizenship.

Jill Stein–Green Party:

1) In Canada, listening to The Doors–“The End“.

This post was written by

- who has written 67 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Deceased and recently reanimated writer haunting websites worldwide. The Afterlife has no cable TV so I initially came back as one of the Writing Dead on the Internet. But you can literally starve looking for brains to eat on some sites. Lost and disillusioned in the Netherworld, I wandered in limbo looking for meaningful work. I worked on Bernie Sander's campaign as a ghost writer until I was approached by The Sith and reanimated as a Sith Writer. Sure they could use a better dental plan but I 'm back, in black, and dressed for Sithcess.

.

2 Responses to “What the Presidential Candidates Are Doing—Right This Moment”

  1. Welcome back!

    Wait, I’m confused. You satirized Clinton so you are OBVIOUSLY a bigoted Trumpschter racist.

    But you satirized Trump so you are OBVIOUSLY a Marxist establishment shill.

    These are the only two conceivable possibilities, right?!

    HAS TWITTER BEEN LYING TO ME???

    AND WHO ARE THE OTHER TWO RANDOMERS YOU MENTIONED

  2. Kilroy says:

    The other two are ghosts of Perot. Just a week too late for Halloween. Of course Perot never had a sense of timing anyway…

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