Posted in Politics

GOP Takes Issue with Democrats Breathing In or Out

RICHMOND, Virginia (GlossyNews) — In a statement today endorsed by Republicans in both the Senate and the House, the entire Republican party has taken issue with the breathing patterns of Democrats. “We feel that once again the Democrats are flip-flopping…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! GOP Takes Issue with Democrats Breathing In or Out
Posted in Human Interest Strange People

Wannabe, White, Rapper Jives For Job — Still Unemployed

VENICE BEACH, California (GlossyNews) — Nineteen year old Malibu’s Most Wanted clone, Josh Milton, is feeling good vibes after his first real job interview. He successfully answered each question with, what can only be explained as, a convulsive fit of…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Wannabe, White, Rapper Jives For Job — Still Unemployed
Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Miley Cyrus Keynote Speaker at Exhibitionists’ Convention

SAN FRANCISCO, Kalifornia (GlossyNews) — Underage puddy cat queen, Miley Cyrus, who stunned her ‘tween fans by climbing out of a convertible in front of hundreds of paparazzi wearing a skin-tight mini dress with no underwear, is keynote speaker at…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Miley Cyrus Keynote Speaker at Exhibitionists’ Convention
Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Miley Cyrus: My Vagina Now More Popular than Jesus

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (GlossyNews) — After blowing the top off the entertainment world by exposing her bottom, a la Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus has come up with another stunner to draw media attention to herself, a la John Lennon: she claims…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Miley Cyrus: My Vagina Now More Popular than Jesus
Posted in Society

Vamonos: Obama Gives Arizona Back to Mexico

TEMPE, Arizona (GlossyNews) — In a move of political bravado termed “Operation Andale”, U.S President Barack Obama has signed an executive order handing Arizona back to Mexico, creating a stampede of Mexicans into bordering U.S. States. While the white citizens…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Vamonos: Obama Gives Arizona Back to Mexico
Posted in Strange People

Sexless Couple Protects World from Creeping Metaphor

CHOPPER KNOB, Texas (GlossyNews) — Joe and Loretta McClure, who have not laid a finger on one another in the last 20 years of marriage, are local heroes after assassinating a coral snake they spotted last Sunday afternoon. The McClures…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Sexless Couple Protects World from Creeping Metaphor
Posted in Crime Human Interest

Testimony Begins in Sloth Abuse Trial

TEMPLE, Texas (GlossyNews) — A jury of seven men and five women are listening to eyewitness testimony in the trial of impatient businessman Ron Martin, who battered 90-year-old Doris Sloth with a bag of frozen okra after she took twenty…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Testimony Begins in Sloth Abuse Trial
Posted in Biz News Politics

Obama Hires Nigerian to Enact Wall Street Reforms

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — President Obama, in a move to gain public trust after a series of disastrous missteps over his symbiotic relationship with Wall Street, has hired a Nigerian barrister to enforce newly proposed Wall Street regulations.

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Obama Hires Nigerian to Enact Wall Street Reforms
Posted in Politics Religionism

Helen Thomas Forced to Wear Scarlet Letter and Apologize

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — Cantankerous malcontent and ex-reporter Helen Thomas, who recently had an unfortunate run-in with the Jewish-owned American media when she accidentally reminded everyone that Palestine is an occupied territory, is the latest celebrity forced to wear the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Helen Thomas Forced to Wear Scarlet Letter and Apologize
Posted in Society

Country Kills Thousands to Steal Oil then Chokes on its Own

Norfolk, VA (GlossyNews) — FUTURE NEWS – Legend has it that a country called the United States, once described as a modern day Atlantis, was just wrapping up an horrific incident where it killed hundreds of thousands of innocent people…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Country Kills Thousands to Steal Oil then Chokes on its Own
Posted in Society

DUI Laws Lead to Unfair Profiling of Drunks

San Francisco, CA (GlossyNews) — Piggybacking on the protests over Arizona’s new immigration law that demands proof of citizenship from people dressed in pointy cowboy boots, polyester shirts, tattered sombreros and riding old girl’s bikes, an army of drunken drivers…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! DUI Laws Lead to Unfair Profiling of Drunks
Posted in News In Your Briefs

Louisianan Upset that Oil Spill is Killing Animals Before He Can

Tee Toos Landing, LA (GlossyNews) — Coonass Marty Boudreaux, who spends the bulk of his spare time drinking Dixie beer and shooting anything that moves, is pretty darned angry these days. That’s because a giant oil slick is coming on…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Louisianan Upset that Oil Spill is Killing Animals Before He Can
Posted in Environment

Obama Offers Citizenship to Mexicans Who Help Clean Up Oil Spill

Washington D C (GlossyNews) — In a stroke of political genius, President Obama has figured out a way to kill two birds with one oil blob. He has offered full American citizenship to any illegal immigrant who brings a mop,…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Obama Offers Citizenship to Mexicans Who Help Clean Up Oil Spill
Posted in Top Stories

Coal Mine Canaries Plan Protest Over Working Conditions

Weirton, WVa – A group of canaries have put their tiny talons down once and for all and are claiming they have the most hazardous job in the world and should have a place in line for various government concessions….

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Coal Mine Canaries Plan Protest Over Working Conditions
Posted in Serious Commentary

White Liberal Falls to Racism

Anytown, USA (GlossyNews) — Kirk Hassenbaum was always a shining example of bleeding heart liberalism. He went to a Liberal Arts college, traveled Europe with the backpack and Birkenstocks crowd, read poetry in coffee houses in San Francisco, rode a…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! White Liberal Falls to Racism
Posted in News In Your Briefs

White Liberals Vow to Never Laugh Again

Auston, TX (GlossyNews) — A group of middle-aged white liberals in Austin, Texas has vowed to never laugh at anything again. Group spokesman, Broice Kafoudlink, or as he is known in the organization, King Fuddy Duddy, declared at a recent…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! White Liberals Vow to Never Laugh Again
Posted in Politics

Woman Assaults Coffee Shop Patrons with Ditto Head Diatribe

Seattle, WA (GlossyNews) — Kaitlin Greely has found her way into Tawdry Soup for the second time time this year. This time by impressing patrons at the local coffee shop and veggie deli with her deep knowledge of Rush Limbaugh’s…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Woman Assaults Coffee Shop Patrons with Ditto Head Diatribe
Posted in Politics

GOP Prepares Mother Ship in Wake of Healthcare Bill

Roswell, NM (GlossyNews) — The Right Wing leaders in the US House and Senate have declared they are preparing their Mother Ship to return to wherever they came from now that Obama’s health care plan was passed into law. “We…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! GOP Prepares Mother Ship in Wake of Healthcare Bill
Posted in Politics

Real Republicans Angry Over Obama’s Gay Rights Initiative

Boston, Mass (GlossyNews) — “Beautiful on the Outside Couple,” Kaitlin Greely and Jonas Applebee, are all over Facebook, Twitter and cell phone networks these days. They are trying to let as many people as possible know they are furious over…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Real Republicans Angry Over Obama’s Gay Rights Initiative
Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Palin’s Pillow Talk with a Patriot

Wilmington, De Patriot Time Travel — 1782 – On a recent time travel expedition to the late 1700’s, Sarah Palin found herself in bed with Jacob Broom, another B-level politician some consider a Founding Father and a man “who knows…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Palin’s Pillow Talk with a Patriot
Posted in Top Stories

Crossing Guard with OCD Run Down by Impatient Businessman

Nolanville, VA-Every weekday morning at 3 a.m., 45-year old George Ross puts on his pants for the third time, combs every strand of hair separately and plucks any wayward nose hairs. He measures one teaspoon of sugar into his carefully…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Crossing Guard with OCD Run Down by Impatient Businessman
Posted in Religionism

Crude Awakening: Giant Oil Slick Blames Pat Robertson for Disaster

Lexington, VA (GlossyNews) — In a strange twist, the giant oil slick invading the Gulf Coast has blamed the capitalist pimp and preacher, known as Pat Robertson, for creating it. “I don’t know what everyone is so upset about.“ said…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Crude Awakening: Giant Oil Slick Blames Pat Robertson for Disaster
Posted in Society

Texas Governor: Oil Well Accident Act of God – Gays Still an Abomination

Austin, TX (GlossyNews) — Texas Governor Rick Perry, in a tawdry attempt to poison the jury pool when the lawsuits start flying over the BP oil spill, has announced the oil well blowout in the Gulf of Mexico is “an…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Texas Governor: Oil Well Accident Act of God – Gays Still an Abomination
Posted in Religionism

Missionary Finds Souls of Jungle Tribe Already “Saved”

Noplace, Ecuador (GlossyNews) — A young Christian missionary, chomping at the bit and excited that a fresh field of new pygmy souls was ripe for harvest, was distressed to find that a National Geographic photographer paid tribe members less than…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Missionary Finds Souls of Jungle Tribe Already “Saved”
Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc

Man killed by Laura Bush in Car Crash Demands Royalty Cut

Mike Douglas, the young man killed by Laura Bush in a car crash in 1963, has demanded a cut of the royalties from her upcoming memoir, he hired the lawyers from https://www.cataniaandcatania.com/st-petersburg/auto-accident-attorneys/. The book is being promoted entirely on the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Man killed by Laura Bush in Car Crash Demands Royalty Cut
Posted in Serious Commentary

In New Book, Laura Bush Can’t Acknowledge Horrible Accident Known as W

In a perfect example of how psychotic the Bush Clan remains, Laura Bush has once again milked the tragedy of a teenager she killed in a car accident in Midland, Texas 50 years ago, the car wreck law firms phiadelphia…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! In New Book, Laura Bush Can’t Acknowledge Horrible Accident Known as W
Posted in Environment

Litterbug Fined While BP Oil Disaster Looms

Tippy Toe, LA (GlossyNews) — Amos Moses, an old Cajun who lives by his self in the swamp, hunts alligators for a livin, he just knock ’em in the head with a stomp, was fined 100 clams yesterday for tossing…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Litterbug Fined While BP Oil Disaster Looms
Posted in News In Your Briefs

Found: Mummified Remains of Man Waiting for Facebook Comments

Chicago, IL (GlossyNews) –The mummified remains of a man waiting for comments to his clever face book post were found last Monday in a basement in Winnetka, Illinois. The desiccated body of Murray Stinsky, who had collected a total of…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Found: Mummified Remains of Man Waiting for Facebook Comments
Posted in Human Interest

Vet Receptionist Loses Mind Upon Hearing Millionth Cutesy Pet Story

West Palm Beach, FL (GlossyNews) — Last Tuesday, Ida Roloff clutched her little “Poopsky,” and stood in front of the desk of busy veterinarian receptionist, Diane Wormer, known affectionately by her friends as “Dee.“ As they waited for the vet…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Vet Receptionist Loses Mind Upon Hearing Millionth Cutesy Pet Story
Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc

Second Dumbest Man on Earth Ghost Writes Bush Memoir

Odessa, TX (GlossyNews) — Larry Kones, known as the Second Dumbest Man on Earth, has completed the memoir of the presidency of George W. Bush hitting the discount bins at bookstores nationwide on November 9. Ghost writer Kones was chosen…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Second Dumbest Man on Earth Ghost Writes Bush Memoir