Posted in Society

DUI Laws Lead to Unfair Profiling of Drunks

San Francisco, CA (GlossyNews) — Piggybacking on the protests over Arizona’s new immigration law that demands proof of citizenship from people dressed in pointy cowboy boots, polyester shirts, tattered sombreros and riding old girl’s bikes, an army of drunken drivers…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! DUI Laws Lead to Unfair Profiling of Drunks
Posted in News In Your Briefs

Louisianan Upset that Oil Spill is Killing Animals Before He Can

Tee Toos Landing, LA (GlossyNews) — Coonass Marty Boudreaux, who spends the bulk of his spare time drinking Dixie beer and shooting anything that moves, is pretty darned angry these days. That’s because a giant oil slick is coming on…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Louisianan Upset that Oil Spill is Killing Animals Before He Can
Posted in Environment

Obama Offers Citizenship to Mexicans Who Help Clean Up Oil Spill

Washington D C (GlossyNews) — In a stroke of political genius, President Obama has figured out a way to kill two birds with one oil blob. He has offered full American citizenship to any illegal immigrant who brings a mop,…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Obama Offers Citizenship to Mexicans Who Help Clean Up Oil Spill
Posted in Top Stories

Coal Mine Canaries Plan Protest Over Working Conditions

Weirton, WVa – A group of canaries have put their tiny talons down once and for all and are claiming they have the most hazardous job in the world and should have a place in line for various government concessions….

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Coal Mine Canaries Plan Protest Over Working Conditions
Posted in Serious Commentary

White Liberal Falls to Racism

Anytown, USA (GlossyNews) — Kirk Hassenbaum was always a shining example of bleeding heart liberalism. He went to a Liberal Arts college, traveled Europe with the backpack and Birkenstocks crowd, read poetry in coffee houses in San Francisco, rode a…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! White Liberal Falls to Racism
Posted in News In Your Briefs

White Liberals Vow to Never Laugh Again

Auston, TX (GlossyNews) — A group of middle-aged white liberals in Austin, Texas has vowed to never laugh at anything again. Group spokesman, Broice Kafoudlink, or as he is known in the organization, King Fuddy Duddy, declared at a recent…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! White Liberals Vow to Never Laugh Again
Posted in Politics

Woman Assaults Coffee Shop Patrons with Ditto Head Diatribe

Seattle, WA (GlossyNews) — Kaitlin Greely has found her way into Tawdry Soup for the second time time this year. This time by impressing patrons at the local coffee shop and veggie deli with her deep knowledge of Rush Limbaugh’s…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Woman Assaults Coffee Shop Patrons with Ditto Head Diatribe
Posted in Politics

GOP Prepares Mother Ship in Wake of Healthcare Bill

Roswell, NM (GlossyNews) — The Right Wing leaders in the US House and Senate have declared they are preparing their Mother Ship to return to wherever they came from now that Obama’s health care plan was passed into law. “We…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! GOP Prepares Mother Ship in Wake of Healthcare Bill
Posted in Politics

Real Republicans Angry Over Obama’s Gay Rights Initiative

Boston, Mass (GlossyNews) — “Beautiful on the Outside Couple,” Kaitlin Greely and Jonas Applebee, are all over Facebook, Twitter and cell phone networks these days. They are trying to let as many people as possible know they are furious over…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Real Republicans Angry Over Obama’s Gay Rights Initiative
Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Palin’s Pillow Talk with a Patriot

Wilmington, De Patriot Time Travel — 1782 – On a recent time travel expedition to the late 1700’s, Sarah Palin found herself in bed with Jacob Broom, another B-level politician some consider a Founding Father and a man “who knows…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Palin’s Pillow Talk with a Patriot
Posted in Top Stories

Crossing Guard with OCD Run Down by Impatient Businessman

Nolanville, VA-Every weekday morning at 3 a.m., 45-year old George Ross puts on his pants for the third time, combs every strand of hair separately and plucks any wayward nose hairs. He measures one teaspoon of sugar into his carefully…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Crossing Guard with OCD Run Down by Impatient Businessman
Posted in Religionism

Crude Awakening: Giant Oil Slick Blames Pat Robertson for Disaster

Lexington, VA (GlossyNews) — In a strange twist, the giant oil slick invading the Gulf Coast has blamed the capitalist pimp and preacher, known as Pat Robertson, for creating it. “I don’t know what everyone is so upset about.“ said…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Crude Awakening: Giant Oil Slick Blames Pat Robertson for Disaster
Posted in Society

Texas Governor: Oil Well Accident Act of God – Gays Still an Abomination

Austin, TX (GlossyNews) — Texas Governor Rick Perry, in a tawdry attempt to poison the jury pool when the lawsuits start flying over the BP oil spill, has announced the oil well blowout in the Gulf of Mexico is “an…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Texas Governor: Oil Well Accident Act of God – Gays Still an Abomination
Posted in Religionism

Missionary Finds Souls of Jungle Tribe Already “Saved”

Noplace, Ecuador (GlossyNews) — A young Christian missionary, chomping at the bit and excited that a fresh field of new pygmy souls was ripe for harvest, was distressed to find that a National Geographic photographer paid tribe members less than…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Missionary Finds Souls of Jungle Tribe Already “Saved”
Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc

Man killed by Laura Bush in Car Crash Demands Royalty Cut

Mike Douglas, the young man killed by Laura Bush in a car crash in 1963, has demanded a cut of the royalties from her upcoming memoir, he hired the lawyers from https://www.cataniaandcatania.com/st-petersburg/auto-accident-attorneys/. The book is being promoted entirely on the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Man killed by Laura Bush in Car Crash Demands Royalty Cut
Posted in Serious Commentary

In New Book, Laura Bush Can’t Acknowledge Horrible Accident Known as W

In a perfect example of how psychotic the Bush Clan remains, Laura Bush has once again milked the tragedy of a teenager she killed in a car accident in Midland, Texas 50 years ago, the car wreck law firms phiadelphia…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! In New Book, Laura Bush Can’t Acknowledge Horrible Accident Known as W
Posted in Environment

Litterbug Fined While BP Oil Disaster Looms

Tippy Toe, LA (GlossyNews) — Amos Moses, an old Cajun who lives by his self in the swamp, hunts alligators for a livin, he just knock ’em in the head with a stomp, was fined 100 clams yesterday for tossing…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Litterbug Fined While BP Oil Disaster Looms
Posted in News In Your Briefs

Found: Mummified Remains of Man Waiting for Facebook Comments

Chicago, IL (GlossyNews) –The mummified remains of a man waiting for comments to his clever face book post were found last Monday in a basement in Winnetka, Illinois. The desiccated body of Murray Stinsky, who had collected a total of…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Found: Mummified Remains of Man Waiting for Facebook Comments
Posted in Human Interest

Vet Receptionist Loses Mind Upon Hearing Millionth Cutesy Pet Story

West Palm Beach, FL (GlossyNews) — Last Tuesday, Ida Roloff clutched her little “Poopsky,” and stood in front of the desk of busy veterinarian receptionist, Diane Wormer, known affectionately by her friends as “Dee.“ As they waited for the vet…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Vet Receptionist Loses Mind Upon Hearing Millionth Cutesy Pet Story
Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc

Second Dumbest Man on Earth Ghost Writes Bush Memoir

Odessa, TX (GlossyNews) — Larry Kones, known as the Second Dumbest Man on Earth, has completed the memoir of the presidency of George W. Bush hitting the discount bins at bookstores nationwide on November 9. Ghost writer Kones was chosen…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Second Dumbest Man on Earth Ghost Writes Bush Memoir
Posted in News In Your Briefs

Male Bonding Imbroglio Leads to Tragic Tussle with Transvestite

New Orleans, LA (GlossyNews) –A male bonding imbroglio has landed two fraternity boys in the clink for attacking a transvestite who stopped to ask them directions. According to local Transvestite, Katrina Sapphire, it went down like this: “Girl-I was jus…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Male Bonding Imbroglio Leads to Tragic Tussle with Transvestite
Posted in Biz News

Goldman Sachs Can’t Eliminate Mysterious Odor of Dirty Rats

New York, NY (GlossyNews) –The area around the offices of Goldman Sachs in New York City and New Jersey are void of pedestrian and vehicular traffic because of an overwhelming stench resembling the smell of dirty rats emanating from every…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Goldman Sachs Can’t Eliminate Mysterious Odor of Dirty Rats
Posted in Society

Tea Bagger Shocked That He Helped Create Today’s America

Memphis, TN (GlossyNews) — A raging tea partier activist was shocked to realize the America he is so angry about — was actually created by his generation. “It was quite the epiphany, let me tell you,” said 56 year old…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Tea Bagger Shocked That He Helped Create Today’s America
Posted in Religionism

God Is Definitely Gay: Says Dutch Sexpert

Utrecht, Holland (GlossyNews) — At the risk of raising the ire of religious straight people worldwide, Barend Hardwinkel, Gay Sexpert from Amsterdam, Netherlands has written in his new book, Move Over, Mary, that, “Yes, God is definitely gay.“ In an…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! God Is Definitely Gay: Says Dutch Sexpert
Posted in Religionism

Middle School Students Elect New Jesus Figure

Russetville, KY (GlossyNews) — Voting with their fists, the students of Dick Armey Middle School in Russetville, Kentucky have elected Denny Flutcher their Jesus Figure. The results of the one-sided election were obvious last afternoon, when Jesus figure runner-up, Leo…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Middle School Students Elect New Jesus Figure
Posted in Politics

Democrats Turn to Religion to Pray for Palin’s Demise

San Francisco, CA (GlossyNews) — “I never thought I would pray for somebody to flat-out die,“ said liberal turned Christian, Marty Hayes. “But I’ve been praying hard for this one. I can’t stand to hear Palin’s voice, it sounds like…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Democrats Turn to Religion to Pray for Palin’s Demise
Posted in News In Your Briefs

The ‘Lady Who Does That’ Suddenly Quits — Creating Office Chaos

Carla Waters, known around the office as “The Lady Who Does That,” is really not there today. Her departure has created mass confusion and outright hysteria among the customer service department of Bulger, Inc. Waters, who worked for Bulger for…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! The ‘Lady Who Does That’ Suddenly Quits — Creating Office Chaos
Posted in Top Stories

Phoenix Woman Totally Responsible for Mortgage Meltdown

Washington DC (GlossyNews) — After a week of hearings with representatives, CEO’s and Government officials at the helm when the world economy was brought to the brink by sneaky and deceptive criminal activity, Congress has ruled that the responsibility for…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Phoenix Woman Totally Responsible for Mortgage Meltdown
Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Obama White House Loosens Up — Starts Gangsta Fridays

Washington DC (GlossyNews) — In a knee-jerk reaction to the accusation by Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) that the Obama Presidency was a “Gangster Government,” President Obama has decided to call her bluff and issue an executive order to his staff that…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Obama White House Loosens Up — Starts Gangsta Fridays
Posted in News In Your Briefs

Supreme Court to Allow Corporations to Carry Guns

Washington DC (GlossyNews) — The United States Supreme Court has declared that faceless corporations, now considered full citizens with all the rights of free speech and whatnot, can now openly carry their weapon of choice in public. During the hearing,…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Supreme Court to Allow Corporations to Carry Guns
Posted in Human Interest

Band of Apes Challenges Theory of Evolution

Bailey’s Crossroads, VA (GlossyNews) — A band of African Mountain Gorillas has arrived in Washington D.C. for a hearing in District Court to debunk Darwin’s Theory of Evolution, and challenge the findings in the famous Scopes Monkey Trial that allows…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Band of Apes Challenges Theory of Evolution
Posted in Human Interest

Many San Francisco Homeless Are Simply Lost

Daly City, CA (GlossyNews) — Karen Salvio came to San Francisco in 1994, a bright-eyed young woman fresh out of college. After she moved into her new apartment, she went out for the evening to have a few drinks. But…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Many San Francisco Homeless Are Simply Lost
Posted in Human Interest

World’s Last Palestinian Dies in an Israeli Zoo

FUTUREFILE Israel, 2023 – The world’s last Palestinian, an old female named Afnan, has died in an Israeli zoo, eliminating the chance that any Arab will ever again be referred to as a “Palestinian.” Back in 2016, Afnan was found…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! World’s Last Palestinian Dies in an Israeli Zoo
Posted in Entertainment

Yoko Ono Finally Admits: I Broke Up ‘The Beatles’

The Dakota, CPW, NY, NY (GlossyNews) — Rumor has it that Yoko Ono has finally admitted that yes, she may have helped break up the Fab Four. “I was young, jealous, and Asian – you do the math,“ she supposedly…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Yoko Ono Finally Admits: I Broke Up ‘The Beatles’
Posted in World News

Feds Arrest Christian Horse Militia for July 4th Plans

Abercrombie, MI (GlossyNews) — Breaking News: A Christian militia, made up entirely of horses, was arrested today for planning a stampede through the middle of Main Street, USA on July 4th. The leader of the herd, known only as Star,…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Feds Arrest Christian Horse Militia for July 4th Plans
Posted in News In Your Briefs

White Janitor at Alabama State Home Protests Obamacare

A white janitor working in the Alabama State Home for the Mentally Infirm is furious about the new law approved by Congress to give all Americans access to health care. “We dun had enough of this danged cooned-ass President trying…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! White Janitor at Alabama State Home Protests Obamacare
Posted in News In Your Briefs

East Texas Couple Kidnaps Baby for Facebook Pictures

Last week, a childless couple in East Texas kidnapped a baby so they could post baby pictures on Facebook. The couple, envious of their friends who are constantly posting pictures of their children on Facebook, grabbed a baby from the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! East Texas Couple Kidnaps Baby for Facebook Pictures
Posted in Television

Tough Love Forces Florida Man Back to Crime (on TV)

State Road 19, Near Tavares, Fla (GlossyNews) — Local man, Hank Fuller, arrived home last Wednesday and noticed something amiss. As he entered the house he could see his friends, family and at least one priest sitting in every available…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Tough Love Forces Florida Man Back to Crime (on TV)
Posted in War Zone

Obama Sends Sarah Palin on Secret Mission

President Obama has promised to grant Sarah Palin her biggest wish ever-an inkling of credibility- if she can locate the most wanted man in the world, Osama bin Laden, and bring back his walking cane. The “secret” mission dubbed by Democrats as the “Bimbo in Limbo” is a way to show that President Obama is willing to work with Palin, while allowing her to do something productive besides running her mouth, although she plans to feed her fans inflammatory statements via Twitter during the entire process.

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Obama Sends Sarah Palin on Secret Mission
Posted in Religionism

Trustafarians on Spirit Quest Disappear in Jamaican Jungle

Kingston, Jamaica (GlossyNews) — The disappearance of two Trustafarians in the jungles of Jamaica has sent a mild panic through wealthy families in the U.S., who sort of wonder where their own dreadlocked dodos might be hanging out. A few…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Trustafarians on Spirit Quest Disappear in Jamaican Jungle