Witnesses claim a shadowy figure identified as Fox News agitator, professional racist, Tea Party provocateur and self-anointed Godsend, Glenn Beck, was seen moving in and out of the visitation chambers of Corcoran State Prison recently. The target of his attention? None other than 75 year old serial killer and 60’s counterculture hero Charles Manson, or “Ol’ Koo Koo” as he is affectionately known by other inmates. Tawdry Soup was lucky enough to get an exclusive interview with the time-stopping psychedelic psycho to find out, “What’s Up?” It went like this:
“I think it was the swastika tattoo between my eyeballs that brought Beck in to see me. He stared at it with the fascination of a child. It was like he was seeing an omen or a sign,” claimed Manson during the brief but insightful interview.
“But mostly it was my telepathic communications because we are brethren in the hope for a class war. Now what we talked about is top secret, you know, but for a couple of cigarettes..“ Tawdry Soup gave him two cigarettes. He glanced at the guard, put them in his pocket and leaned in. “Ok, the plan is what we call a reverse Tate-LaBianca. Instead of a bunch of dumb white trash doing in some rich whites and trying to make everyone think it was the blacks to instigate a class war, me and Glenn Beck–and I got to admire his genius–have decided this time around the rich fuckers would do in the dumb white trash and blame it on the blacks.”
“I never realized it was the dumb shits you got to get riled, so I had it bassackwards. You know what’s really weird, man?” asked Manson before answering his own question. “Back in my day it took drug-soaked teenagers to believe all this race war bullshit. Now it’s rational adults going along with it. This ain‘t the same country I grew up in… But I digress… I’ve found the mega-rich don’t give a shit about a race war for simple mayhem’s sake. They care about a race war so they can steal everyone blind whose arguing about race instead of paying attention. The Tea Partiers don’t even know whose kicken ‘em outta their homes and taking all their 401k money cuz rich whitey Glenn Beck is telling ‘em it’s the Blacks‘ fault–or Obama’s–same thing in the Wingnut’s world.”
“Anyway, the more the rich screw the dumb asses the angrier they get and the more Beck blames it on the blacks. And get this-it’s the wealthiest fuckers in the United States bankrolling the race baiting this time, not a punk who gets money from stealing cars like I had to do 40-something years ago. It won‘t be long until those so-called patriotic tea baggers will be marching against Blackie. An lil’ ol’ me, Ol’ Koo Koo, gonna be sittin’ in the background calling the shots.
Soon the doors of this prison will open and I will fly away like a bird. It’s pure genius, I tell you-I knew our day would come. I just didn’t’ know how it was going to fall into place. But here it is. Yippee! Me and Glenn Beck are the hole in the infinite!” Just then Manson stood up and did a little jig known as the leg restraint shuffle and was escorted back to his cell singing Helter Skelter at the top of his lungs.