Preacher Terry Jones to Replace Geraldo as World’s Hugest DongGobbler

Not since Geraldo Rivera stood outside Al Capone’s vault, has there been a TV moment with a bigger chance of bombing than Terry Jones’ Quran burning tonight, September 11, 2010. Terry Jones, the firebrand preacher of a Pentecostal Offshoot Church in Gainesville, Florida is determined to burn the Muslim holy book on Saturday September 11 at his Dove World Outreach Center to commemorate September 11, 2001, the day when hatred against Muslims exploded across the United States.

Also, he would like to remind everyone that “Islam is the devil.” This, according to signs posted outside his exemplary establishment, a warehouse/church built on the never-ending fountain of love that eternally spews forth from God-fearing folk of the South. In fact, there’s been so much love spewing from the eternal spring of love known as the Dove World Outreach Center, it’s attracting death threats from around the world and Terry Jones feels better carrying a gun on his bony hip.

Something tells me the Saturday night Quran burning party will go one of two ways–unless someone steps in, pays off the old fart and saves his church from foreclosure to make him stop:

Scenario number one: Terry Jones, a Frankenstein’s monster of the information age, will have a party Saturday night reminding the casual observer of a mini-Monster Mash or Day of the Dead reunion. The bizarro participants will build a signal-fire to Satan while they work up their nerves, because they know they are testing God, and prepare to throw on 200 Qurans, supposedly mailed to the church from supporters. There’s a chance some came from Democrats who are salivating at the idea of smearing the Republicans with the image of this older slimier version of a right-wing-media brainwashed Timothy McVeigh.

But suddenly, there will be a “silent movie moment” in which Jones’ lips start moving, he breaks down beyond the reach of the cameras and calls the whole thing off. After a bit of silence, he’ll walk to the cameras where the excuses will start coming out fast and furious. At this time, Preacher Terry Jones will ascend to the throne of THE WORLD’S BIGGEST DORK, while kicking Geraldo to the curb.

Saving Grace: He claims he was talking in tongues in all the interviews last week and doesn’t remember any of this stuff. Or, he’ll say the Devil made him do it, he was lost in the wilderness, blah blah blah.

Scenario number two: Terry Jones grows a gigantic set of balls between now and Saturday and actually burns the damn things. An act that will surely get him a one-way ticket to Muslim hell, which is a lot worse than Christian Hell–and hotter. Spectators, U-Tubers and Fox news aficionados will watch the cantankerous crazy Jones rip apart and burn the Muslim holy book in a tacky tawdry orgy of American media manipulation, loneliness, despair, anger and hatred. Sounds pretty cool, right?

And when the Qurans burn away like ordinary paper, the world will exhale, because the United States Armed Forces are busy protecting Jones so he can burn a stupid Quran. And they will continue to do so. So relax, watch Preacher Terry Jones, the spawn of Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin, obliterate Geraldo’s death-like grip on the title of THE WORLD’S BIGGEST DORK.

Saving Grace: Jones commits suicide. Or it rains.

Ed note: Don’t forget it’s called “International Burn-a-Koran Day!“ according to Dove World Marketing Literature. Yippeeeeee!

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10 comments on “Preacher Terry Jones to Replace Geraldo as World’s Hugest DongGobbler

  1. This guy went on TV saying that moderate Muslims should support the burning, since the goal is to root out extreme Muslims… um, what? That’s like saying my sister should support me burning the Bible because it roots out Terry Jones.

    Sure, he didn’t end up burning any books, but he still pissed off the entire Muslim world, and I must say, the Muslim radicals are way scarier than the Christian radicals. Christian radicals are just as stupid, but much too fat and old to really wage much in the way of a holy war.

  2. Well, I have a Muslim neighbor. We take him cookies or doughnuts every Christmas morning. Ran into him this afternoon, and asked him not to judge Jesus by the threats of some lunatic who claims to act in the name of Christ.

    I know I’m a weirdo in Glossy News; wherever I am, I’m the weirdo. I just ask all non-believers to see Jones, or that Phelps idiot as I do, and most Christians do. I’ve been a hospice volunteer, and I’ve done prison ministry with a 19yo death row kid. Am not bragging; is my privilege to serve Jesus, and His love for all people.

    Sure, this website is about sarcastic smartass stuff, and I really enjoy it. But I beg all non-believers? Please don’t take some tiny Florida congregation, and their media whore pastor as the face of Christianity? Most of we Christians aren’t like that at all.

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