Author: deeptrout
Danish Zoo Defends Killing Of Employees
A Danish zoo on Wednesday defended its decision to kill four employees citing age factors, the risk of inbreeding and the arrival of a new, younger male hire. This week’s executions have put the Copenhagen Zoo on the defensive again,…
Carnival Corporation Posts Onboard Cruise Crime Data
In a voluntary effort to be more accountable to the public, Carnival Cruise Lines has released data about 576,727 alleged crimes reported on board their ships during the previous year. Included in the release were 18967 incidents of public drunkenness,…
France Finds Missing Flight 370
After waiting more than ten days to jump into the search for Flight 370, France declared it has found the ill fated airliner off the coast of Italy. “We were delayed due to union repairs on our sole high imaging…
Redskins Owner Dan Snyder To Open Chain of Reservation Liquor Stores
Responding to claims of racial insensitivity over the team name, NFL Redskins owner Dan Snyder embarked on a month long voyage of discovery to dozens of Native American Reservations. In a widely distributed press release issued on Monday, Snyder said…
Lady Gaga Responds To Criticism Over Head Defecation Stunt
The Internet exploded with criticism Friday after a performance by Lady Gaga at the NSFW Music Festival in Winslow, Arizona, in which a homeless man wet defecated on her head. Gaga was premiering the title track to her new album…
Satirists To Decide Comedic Value of Breadsticks
WILLOW GROVE, PENN. Satirists are gathering at a conference titled “This Article Is An Inside Joke” in Willow Grove this weekend to decide if breadsticks are inherently funny or only so when mentioned in the same sentence as “Olive Garden”….
Flight 370 – Submitted, For Your Approval
You are about to enter another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land of imagination. There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is…
US Defense Department Claims MH370 Attacked By Cylons
In a strange press release distributed by the US Department of Defense on Wednesday, US Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel says Malaysia Flight 370 was attacked by time traveling Cylons and was forced to jump to hyperspace. “The Boeing 777 has…
Obama Announces Sanctions on Lyudmila Putin
During a White House Rose Garden press conference Thursday, President Barack Obama, in an effort to drive Russian forces from the Crimean Peninsula, announced far reaching sanctions against Vladimar Putin’s wife, Lyudmila. “We have frozen funds in her Citicorp and…
FBI Fringe Division MH370 Test Successful, Parallel Universe Travel Safe
At a press conference Tuesday held at FBI Headquarters in Quantico, Virginia, lead blonde FBI investigator Agent Olivia Dunham, flanked by Mad Scientist Walternate Bishop and his intelligent and attractive yet curiously unaccomplished son Peter, revealed Malaysia Flight 370 was…