At a press conference Tuesday held at FBI Headquarters in Quantico, Virginia, lead blonde FBI investigator Agent Olivia Dunham, flanked by Mad Scientist Walternate Bishop and his intelligent and attractive yet curiously unaccomplished son Peter, revealed Malaysia Flight 370 was a government test of inter dimensional travel.
“The test was successful, people can now freely and safely travel between millions of ambiguously similar parallel universes,” said Dunham who continued.
“Anyone who is not satisfied with their job, marriage, families, retirement packages or abortion decisions can now simply move to another universe where their lot in life may be dramatically improved. However, going to another universe will not make you thin. Like me.”
The technology was developed by research giant, Massive Dynamic. CEO Nina Sharp who was present at the press conference added, “We had been testing moving inanimate objects and graduated to single individuals. Our breakthrough came when our brilliant Vulcan Physicist William Bell discovered for the equipment to work on more than one, the group had to share a common feeling of dread, agitation and disgruntlement.”
Sharp continued, “Nothing spells dread and agitation like a couple of hundred people flying in a third world cigar tube at 35,000 feet, piloted by potential jihadists. Our next major test, to make an an even larger number of disgruntled people mysteriously disappear, will take place at the home opener of the Denver Broncos later this year.”