ST. LOUIS – In a statement released today by St. Louis Rams Head Coach Jeff Fischer, defensive end Michael Sam did not make the latest round of roster cuts because of his apparent lack of homosexual tendencies.
“Honestly, as a team, we wanted to show the world that the National Football League was ready for an openly gay player,” said Fischer.
There is a perfectly innocent (well, more-or-less innocent) explanation. Here’s what Rick has to say about the latest development in the War Against Reagan.
Yes, it’s true. You’ve heard it. I’m the anti-Reagan. I do declare it. What does this mean? Well, Reagan began as a film star and then became more famous as a politician. But my career trajectory has gone in the opposite direction; I am a politician whose entire fame and fortune is founded on one short video from my election campaign. THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.
Sorry about that, it does that every couple minutes. Yes, one great video. How many Democrats can say that about their careers? Or even Republicans? How about you, Rand Paul? Huh? You may think you are a bit special, a cut above, a bit different from the rest of us in the GOP, but how many viral videos with countless parodies have you made? THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.
Wow, that’s really annoying, sorry about that. Where was I? Oh yeah. Hell, even Arnie; who is he? How many people watch Jingle all the Way, except when their kids get sick on the couch in December and you’re too drunk on Christmas spirits to care? But my media creation has stood the test of time. It doesn’t take a whole studio to make a video, it takes just one talented individual. THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.
Not sure if I’m being Punk’d or something. Texas has a ‘tough on crime’ governor, unless you elect some soft liberal after I’m gone. It really is pretty annoying and I’m sorry how this interview must be THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.
Okay, again, how many Democrats or Republicans have ever achieved what I have achieved in the cinematic world? My video from that elections campaign, it’s got me, it’s got everything, an entire glorious technicolor universe of just about everything the heart could desire or contemplate: gays, the military, gays in the military, militant gays, educational issues, religion, politics, religious politics and the politics of religion; and did I mention gays in the military? Phew! Wow!
Oh, and militant gays too! I mean, it’s like the whole damn universe condensed into about three short minutes! Forget about Hollywood, have you ever seen a Hollywood film that is so vast and encyclopedic in its scope, yet lasts a shorter time than it takes to microwave a sandwich? Well? THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.
I guess this means that Rick Perry always has something to fall back on. Well, if they ever make a film of Ronald Reagan, they will have to pick someone else, as it sounds like Perry is more into artsy-fartsy tableau miniatures, not mainstream stuff to be shown in standard cine-plexes.
With his talent for such an elevated form of cinematic production, he might even be able to continue his cinematic career in France, “le pays de la culture,” although I guess we’d better not tell him that.
At the Russian/Ukrainian border the so-called ‘humanitarian aid’ convoy sent by Putin stops to do a final check on what supplies they will be delivering to the Ukrainians on the other side. Two Russian majors exit the first two vehicles carrying clipboards and meet at the back of the first truck.
Some Republicans view Rand Paul as a potentially divisive figure (i.e. one who will take some of their support away in critical demographics), but some of his opponents are actually impressed how he has built bridges with Democrats at cross-party meetings.
“You know,” says Rand’s agenda-driven new ally, Barney Frank, “I wasn’t all that sure about our good pal Senator Rand Paul at first, but I’m really impressed at his cooperative spirit. We sit around a table, decide who’s gonna do what, agree about it, and we get down to work.”
Paul even said this division of labor reminded him of that chapter in Adam Smith. Frank agreed with him: “You are so right, Rand!”