Conservatives and Liberals Still Trying to Convert Each Other

WASHINGTON – A new poll of 1,000 American adults reveals that both conservatives and liberals believe it is possible to “convert” other people to change their political orientation.

The recent Gallmausen poll found that more than 63% of Americans believe that they can convince other people to adopt their position through such rhetorical tactics as shouting at them, incessantly repeating themselves, and vicious name-calling.

One conservative, Joe, 45, commented on the poll: “Yeah, it’s possible that some libtards are redeemable, if you dig deep enough. I mean, I know they’re mostly thick-headed idiots, but even dogs understand things if you repeat it enough times. So there must be hope for these liberal wingnuts, God willing.”

Joe continued: “And personally, I think that they secretly find it funny when we call them libtards. It’s like ‘liberal’ and ‘retard’ combined. Libtard. Hilarious! How can you argue with that?”

An average liberal, Suzie, 34, also reacted to the poll: “Despite their general lack of education, I still hope that if conservatives could just comprehend my message of strident idealism, hipper-than-thou cultural references and utter disdain for their ridiculous religious beliefs, then they would be converted to the progressive cause. They would finally see the light and drop their troglodytic homophobia and 18th century gun fetish.”

While many political pundits lament the appalling decline in American political discourse during the past thirty years, it is reassuring that so many Americans still believe political discussion is worthwhile.

Author: Dan Geddes

Dan Geddes is the author of The Satirist: America's Most Critical Book and the editor of the online journal The Satirist: America's Most Critical Journal (, an astonishing collection of satires, reviews, reviews of imaginary works, fiction, essays, poems, and satirical news. He lives in Amsterdam.

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