The wonder mellower-outer cannabis, always said to have a positive, tranquilizing affect on its users, has unfortunately not had such an effect on the normally ego-centered Coloradoans who recently legalized use of it.
“Criminy,” said Jim Bames, over the road trucker who delivers freight from Kansas to Colorado regularly “I thought that stuff was supposed to mellow you out! Why them guys now are worse than ever. They was plain old jerks before. Now that they’s smoked up they’s is now super jerks!”
“I used to take them in stuff and they’d make fun of my accent in little ways. Now theys puts on a full theatrical production. Only problem is, the play is all in their heads.”
Charlotte Spoonwether, high school teacher in Boulder, says her juniors and seniors are worse than ever. “I used to try to teach them something about sex education. Now they try to teach me something about sex education! And I mean personally!”
Rip-off store and restaurant owners who used to gloat over how much they could get away with charging the well off populous they serve in Boulder now boast about how much they can weasel out of the increasing number of people who come through their doors ‘in an altered state of consciousness’. (The proprietors are just smart enough to save their imbibing for after work.)
“We used to have a problem with street people who were high all the time and being obnoxious.” stated Metro Denver Police Chief Daniel Snarkleburger. “Now we have a problem with professors and business owners and city employees and scientists who are high and obnoxious all the time.”
Major parts of Colorado has always been known for having a population that is basically hedonistic, self-interested, vain and condescending. They are often specialists in being rude and elitist. Comedian Bill Cosby once asked after being told by someone that snorting cocaine enhances your personality- “But what if you are an a**hole?”. Could the same could be said of Colorado and its all-so-precious pot? Are we creating a race of super-dicks out there by letting them get away with it?
In Denver, jerk central for all concerned, introducing pot might lead to something the opposite of ‘mellowing out’. Remember, this metro area is the scene of the first of a spate of high school violence- Columbine. And need I mention the Batman movie in the same area with the self-appointed Joker attending ‘with heez leetle friend’? Denverites are already hard wired to be mean to each other; must it be enhanced?
In Boulder it might have yet another effect. The people there are space cadets already. (Remember Mork?) A cannabis cloud above their heads might send them off into the Twilight Zone permanently. And the already professional a**holes there (there used to be a band there, honest to God, too stupid to be punks even, called the ‘Dancing A**holes) would be come even more so, although that hardly seems possible.
Even as this is being read, smarmy, rich sociopathic, half stoned rich U. of C. students are looking at it too and clapping each other on the back saying “Cool man! Look, we’re in print! We’re real bad asses now!”