Posted in Science

Study: Looking at Spider Images Dramatically Increases Likelihood of Spider Encounter

ATLANTA, GA—Researchers at Georgia State University have found conclusive evidence that each time an individual looks at any image depicting a spider, the odds of one being nearby and currently approaching them “just skyrocket.”

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Posted in Top Stories

Here are the Biggest Lies About Seatac Prop-One

This isn’t my fight. I’m new here, but I read up on it and I can’t even believe it’s up for debate. SeaTac should raise wages for airport workers for too many reasons to count, but what’s more, the reasons…

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Posted in Strange People

Specialty Themed Haunted Houses

In the latest craze to hit the Halloween crowd horror fans are creating Haunted Houses for very specific groups. Each is tailor made to scare the bone marrow out of their target audience. Democratic Party Horror House- Horrors of a…

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos Society

Elderly Woman Sends Text Message

INDIANAPOLIS – An elderly woman became the talk of her family today after miraculously turning on a cellular phone and successfully typing, and then sending, a 23-word text message to her 18-year-old grandson. Maureen Hamilton, 84, is believed to have…

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Posted in Sports Events Sportsfolk

The Changes to European Club Rugby – Americans Indifferent

There are massive changes afoot in the world of Rugby Union. While there has been some agreement recently as to the future of the sport, there are still many obstacles to overcome. Following an 18-month impasse, the six unions involved…

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Posted in Politics

Entire Population of Indiana Tired of This Sh*t

INDIANAPOLIS – Citing various factors, ranging from the lack of viable job opportunities to the general malaise of winter, the entire population of Indiana announced Saturday that it is so goddamn tired of this shit, adding: “really?”. Holy effing shart,…

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Posted in Politics

Drunken Governor Sells Indiana Back to Native Americans

INDIANAPOLIS – Calling it the most regrettable legislative decision of his career, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels – apparently under the influence of alcohol – agreed to sell the entire state of Indiana back to the Native Americans Saturday. According to…

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Posted in Biz News Politics

Blowback from Koch Story from (Un)likely A-Hole

We recently ran a story about the infamous Koch brothers’ wealth. Their wealth has increased $33 billion since the horrible Obama took office, but apparently that’s not enough of a story for some random jackass from the internet. So let’s…

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Posted in Health

Woman’s Weight Spirals Worryingly Under Control

YORKTOWN – During the post-Christmas period, friends and relatives of local woman Angela Hartman today noted how, in the last year, the 38-year-old’s weight has spiraled worryingly under control. Insisting that Miss Hartman “looks as if she hasn’t eaten in…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip Television

Mega-Millionaire Ricky Gervais Sells Out Stephen Merchant

Ricky Gervais blessed the sitcom world with the creation of “The Office” and numerous other brilliant shows. But it seems he’s forgotten what made him great as he threw his longtime friend and comedy partner Stephen Merchant under the bus….

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip Entertainment

Since Breakup From Orlando Bloom, Many Men Now Fantasizing About Miranda Kerr

After reports surfaced that former Victoria’s Secrets model Miranda Kerr has split from her husband Orlando Bloom, millions of men admit to having fantasies about dating or having sex with her. “Goddamn she’s single now!” exclaimed Nebraska construction worker Gerald…

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Posted in Religionism Talky Pictures

God Getting Worryingly Into Disaster Movies

HEAVEN – In what proved a serious concern for the International Community Saturday, unconfirmed sources described how His Lordship Almighty God has “really been getting into the disaster movie genre recently,” adding: “He’s watched Twister, like, 8 times in the…

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Posted in Health Society

All Time Most Horrific Haunted House; The House of Women w/ PMDD

A new haunted house has been set up in Boulder Colorado that seems set to rank as the most frightening of all time- the House Of Women With PMDD. Halloween spook houses are all the rage here on the Front…

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Posted in Politics

Non-Partisan Partisan Groups Terrorizing Republicans, Democrats Alike

Sick of the constant bickering between the two major political parties in America and the endless difficulties if makes for the common man, small groups of non-partisan partisan groups have taken to hiding in the woods and in the cellars…

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Posted in Biz News Gadgets & Gizmos

Nine Nasty Reasons to Never Shop at Best Buy

It would be too easy to go into the daily fraud perpetrated by suckering trusting customers into buying gold-plated HDMI cables. Sure, they sell cables at 5,000% markup on the odd hour, but that aside, they’re terrible, incompetent and wholly…

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Posted in Politics

Emergency Rooms Filled with Victims of Thumb Amputations

Hospitals and 911 phone banks were overwhelmed Saturday night when 16% of the nation lost its thumbs. “It was mass chaos,” said Doctor Anne Fulbright at Dallas General Hospital. “All of sudden all these thumbless white people showed up spurting…

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Posted in Strange People Television

MTV Promises to Literally Double Gross by 2015

MTV, long known as the first choice in late-night music and regular hours infomercials and reality porn-fer-tainment has set an ambitious goal; to double their gross by 2015, and they’re committed to scraping the gross bottom of the barrel to…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip Television

Power Outage Pulls Plug on South Park Episode

Los Angeles: In these uncertain and unstable times there is still one thing the people of America believed they could rely on. Now, all hope is lost and even when the government shutdown ends (which if Cartman has anything to…

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Posted in Politics

Michele Bachmann Introduces Revelation Act

Today Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-MN) introduced a bill to “hasten the coming of Christ and the Revelation.” At a press conference she stated, “It seems to me as good Christians we should be doing something about the Second Coming. This…

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Posted in Crime Society

Fashion Police Accused of Disproportionately Targeting Blacks

LOS ANGELES, CA – An investigation has begun into allegations that members of the fashion police have deliberately set out to target blacks during routine fashion exposes and before-and-after shots. The announcement comes after 2,000,000 eye-witnesses reported seeing singer Beyonce…

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