Day: November 6, 2012
Tea Party Raptured, Republican Leadership Abandons Christianity
GlossyNews.com – Every member of the Tea Party, Tea Party Patriots, National Tea Party Federation, Nationwide Tea Part Coalition and the People’s Front of Judea has disappeared without a trace. Incidentally, sources in the Horn of Africa have reported the…
Obama WILL Win Today, and Here’s Why
GlossyNews.com – Now while I’m no prognosticator in any official sense, what I am is supremely confident. Confident in an Obama victory, and a sound one at that, and here’s why… I’m risking my reputation and going on the record…
November Surprise: Bush Hysterically Backs Barack
GlossyNews.com – In a surprise move, George W. Bush has endorsed Barack Obama in today’s election. “I know you all must think I’ve been drunking crazy-water,” said Mr. Bush. “But the more I looked at that Barry fellows record, the…
3/5ths of Southern Blacks Vote for Obama
GlossyNews.com – With exit polls in and precincts already reporting in Georgia, Mississippi and South Carolina, one thing is holding true; blacks are voting 3/5ths for incumbent president Barack Hussein Obama. We talked with Jerry Green, a double-amputee and 3/5ths…
Romney Ahead 99 Pts Among Those Who Think Twinkies are Vegetables
GlossyNews.com – CINCINNATI – The latest exit polls are showing Mitt Romney is leading President Obama by an estimated 99 points among voters who think Twinkies are a vegetable. The results would have actually been 100% but when one Romney…
Fundi Preachers Scream “Liberal East Coasters” Caused Hurricane Sandy
GlossyNews.com – Fundamentalist preachers have been crowing about how the fury of hurricane Sandy’s was leveled at the upper East Coast because of its sins and its liberal bias regarding the Presidential election. “The wages of sin is death” was…
Candidates Politicize God’s Subtle Climate Change “Reminder”
GlossyNews.com – “Look, I tried,” God grumbled, “Picked the most populated part of the country, some of the most contentious states in the election and altered both of their campaign routes, but did they listen? Noooo.” In a last, desperate…
Florida Voting Hampered for/by Blacks, Tape
GlossyNews.com – What started off as a smooth election day in Florida turned ugly in the second hour of voting. Machine failures were reported across all counties and voters were forced to wait for hours in the hot sun for…
Local Man Doesn’t Know Candidates, Votes Anyway
GlossyNews.com – Dayton, OH – Bill Jameon, local accountant and political apathetic, cast his vote today without knowing who the candidates were or what they stood for. “I really just went by the sounds of their names,” Jameon admitted with…
“Well-Hung Chad” Having Banner Day at Florida Poleing Station
GlossyNews.com – Well Hung Chad Boehner is a tall, beefy male escort in St. Petersberg, Florida. And by his estimation, he’s set to have the best day of his career. “I [started] advertising on BackPage.com under the name “Well-Hung Chad”…