GlossyNews.com – Every member of the Tea Party, Tea Party Patriots, National Tea Party Federation, Nationwide Tea Part Coalition and the People’s Front of Judea has disappeared without a trace.
Incidentally, sources in the Horn of Africa have reported the inexplicable appearance of several million loud, extremely irate, mostly diabetic and stark naked white people outside of a small village 80 miles to the west of Mogadishu.
Though, as of yet, no one has been able to contact them (Somalia has only two working telephone lines), one could safely assume they are the same aggregated group of individuals that vanished from across the United States earlier today.
Further conjecture leads to the conclusion that they have been sent to their supposed promised land: a country where the government has completely removed itself from all dealings with business, education, infrastructure, and basic services; Somalia.
A second, completely unexpected turn of events occurred when Representative John Boehner announced two hours ago that the entire Republican establishment would be abandoning the “tiresome” Christian faith.
“Effective immediately,” said the Speaker from the steps of the Capitol Building “The Republican Party leadership will no longer adhere to the tenets of Christianity, not even a little bit.”
When pressed about this sudden religious conversion, Representative Boehner had the following to say:
“God has raptured the Tea Party, a core constituency of the greater Republican Party, with the full knowledge of the negative effects this would have for us in today’s Presidential election. This has led us to the conclusion that the Judeo-Christian God has overt liberal Democrat tendencies. Well, if God is a member of Democrat party, then our partisan sensibilities clearly state that we must find a new God. Maybe one with a better PR department.”
Asked what faith they would be converting to, Boehner added:
“We are moving to a religion that resolutely adheres to Republican principles. One of our own design and persuasion: something like Ronald Reaganism. The mass baptism will take place next Tuesday at 7 pm in the Potomac River. It will be open to the press and televised, and after the baptismal we can find out what the religion is.”