Month: June 2012
Heart Torn From Him While Living; Undead Won’t Rest Until Cheney Returns It
There are levels of Hell that even Dante did not know. (Image courtesy of outletradio.com) Hells that are not bright and hot but with an icy cold that freezes thought itself. Hells of place, of emotion, of mind, of other…
5-Bed Neo-Classical for Sale, Prime Penn. Ave Location
Determined to put a dent in the national debt, the House of Representatives has voted to sell the White House. The Senate quickly jumped on debt reduction bandwagon but held out for the less radical idea of simply mortgaging the…
Parker Bros Updates ‘Monopoly’ To Reflect Current Economics
Because of recent world economic changes, the Parker Brothers game company has announced that it is going to update its world famous game ‘Monopoly’ to better reflect the true financial times we live in. The following changes will be made…
Train Obliterates Texting Driver; Darwin Unsurprised
Paranormal investigators have recently reported unprecedented EMF activity, with some saying it’s like Stephen King got struck by lightning. Those off the dial readings are attributed to a curious event in the life of Theresa Caputo, star of TLC’s “Long…
Father of 30 Requests, Gets, Break on Child Support
A 33 year old Knoxville, Tennessee man has asked a judge there to ‘give him a break’ in paying his alimony to 11 women with whom he has fathered 30 children (This is true). Desmond Hatchett, who works a minimum…
Military to Balance Budget via Naming Rights
Because of severe military budget reductions, the MetLife Defense Department has begun selling naming rights to major military weapons systems and installations. The AT&T Pentagon, contacted by a senior military correspondent yesterday, said they expect to make millions from corporations…
Santorum Endorses Mitt Romney… For Profit
PITTSBURG, PA –GlossyNews Rick Santorum finally threw his support behind presumptive GOPTea™ nominee Mitt Romney, saying to his supporters, “I strongly encouraged Mitt to add me as the Team Conservative Leader, and I am pleased to say that I will…
Obama Defeats Romney in Hollywood Version of 2012 Presidential Election
LOS ANGELES – In a classic Hollywood ending that left audiences cheering and wiping tears from their eyes, President Obama triumphed over his Republican rival Mitt Romney in the 2012 U.S. presidential election, after staging a stunning come-from-behind upset that…
Trump to Host Romney Bacon-Wrapped Foie Gras Dinner Fundraiser
TRUMP TOWER, NYC —GlossyNews The final logistics for “Trump’s Huge Gourmet Dinner to Fund Gov. Romney” have been released. The Donald announced that “on landing at Kennedy the fortunate attendees – the chosen folk – will receive free post-flight ground…
Liquor at Supermarkets – Here Comes the Hangover
This morning at the crack of midnight Washington State supermarkets like Metropolitan Market in downtown Seattle began selling hard liquor. It took years of struggle, three state-level initiatives and more than $22 million from Costco, but is it worth it?…