Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos Internets Tubes

Windows 10 Introduces Wide Array of Exciting New System Errors

Microsoft is proud to introduce Windows 10, the latest version of our operating system for PCs and tablets. To help you get to know our new system better, here are answers to some questions you might have. Why is it…

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Posted in Politics

A Low Point for President Jesus

WASHINGTON – It has been a tough couple of months for President Jesus in the wake of the problem-plagued launch of the government’s HumanKindness.gov website and continuing criticism of his efforts to address the issues of unemployment and poverty in…

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Posted in Society

Satirical News Article Solves U.S. Gun Violence Problem

FAIRFAX, VA – The contentious issue of gun control in the U.S. appears to have been fully resolved today, following the on-line publication of a satirical news article which instantly united advocates on both sides of the issue with its…

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Posted in Internets Tubes

CIA Internal Advisory: Secure Communications Guidelines

Dear colleagues, In light of recent developments, we would like to advise all agency personnel about the use of certain communications channels and processes which may not be sufficiently secure. Please pay attention to the new guidelines below. 1. Don’t…

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Posted in Politics

Republicans Wish Democrats Would Stop Smiling

WASHINGTON – With the 2012 U.S. election now nearly a week old, Republican politicians are beginning to wonder how long it will take for their Democratic rivals to wipe the shit-eating grins off their faces and return to normal. “It…

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Posted in Politics

Romney Leads Among Schizophrenics

GlossyNews.com – CLEVELAND – A new Gallup poll released today finds that Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney continues to trail President Obama in popularity among women, African-Americans, Hispanics, Asians, people with cell phones, people aware of the internet, and voters…

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Posted in Politics

Barack Obama Asks for Your Vote… For Mitt Romney

By President Barack Obama My fellow Americans, Next Tuesday, November 6, is Election Day, and this year your vote is more important than ever before. That’s because in this election you have a choice between two very different visions for…

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Posted in Politics

President Romney’s Inaugural Address

“I think my biggest concern obviously would just be for his mental well-being.” – Ann Romney on her concerns about her husband becoming President of the U.S. My fellow Americans. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Hee, hee, hee, ha, ha,…

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos Politics

Romney’s Economic Plan Is Right Direction For America, According to Apple Maps

Cupertino, CA – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s plan for restoring the U.S. economy will lead to a new era of high employment and prosperity for the nation, according to Apple’s new iOS 6 based Maps app. By entering Mr….

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Posted in Human Interest

10 Signs That You’re In a Long-Term Relationship

1. You finish each other’s sentences… because you can’t stand the sound of the other person’s voice. 2. You have wild, passionate sex all night long. Then you wake up. 3. Whenever you miss each other, you just pick up…

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Posted in Internets Tubes Science & Technologizzy

New Course Offerings for the Idiot Generation

HIS1995 – Life Before the Internet This history course covers the dark period of mankind’s existence during the late 20th century, prior to the development of the World Wide Web. Students will learn about the primitive techniques utilized by early…

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Posted in Human Interest

Unemployed Former Aerospace Engineer Says: “Stop calling me that”

CAPE CANAVERAL – Identifying labels apparently matter, at least to unemployed former aerospace engineer Fred Hackford, who is among the thousands of NASA workers being laid off by the space agency following its retirement of the space shuttle and its…

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Posted in Politics

American Expatriates At a Loss What to Threaten To Do If Romney Is Elected

PRAGUE – As the 2012 U.S. presidential election approaches, the possibility of a win by Republican Mitt Romney is a cause for fear and concern among many liberal Americans across the country. Among those most worried, however, are U.S. citizens…

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Posted in Human Interest

150,000 Feared Dead Following Typical Day

EARTH – An estimated 150,000 people are presumed to have died yesterday in the wake of what experts described as “a fairly typical day” on the planet. If confirmed, the expected number of fatalities during the latest in a string…

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Posted in War Zone

Budget Cuts Threaten U.S. Readiness for Unlikely War

Pentagon worried about ability to defend nation against improbable attack by indeterminate enemy. WASHINGTON – Facing potential budget cuts of $1 trillion over ten years as a result of the U.S. Congress’s failure to agree on a deficit reduction plan,…

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Posted in Internets Tubes

YouTube Sensation Checks Into Rehab… Meow

Celebrity seeks help after trashing hotel room in catnip-fueled rampage LOS ANGELES – The pressures of fame appear to have claimed yet another celebrity victim today, as one of the Internet’s most beloved stars checked in for treatment at Hollywood’s…

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Posted in Politics

U.S. Raises Gaffe Threat Level to Orange, As Romney Returns From Abroad

WASHINGTON – The U.S. Federal Election Commission today warned Americans of what it termed “an increased possibility of a major verbal gaffe taking place on U.S. soil within the coming days.” The F.E.C. issued its warning after its analysts detected…

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Posted in Human Interest Kidz Zone

Historic Accord Reached in Siblings’ Bitter Territorial Dispute

In major concessions by both sides, boy agrees to stop touching sister’s stuff in exchange for her ceasing to refer to him as “Snot Face.”  SPOKANE, WA – Negotiators are expressing hopes for a new era of reconciliation and peaceful…

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Posted in Politics

Obama Apologizes For Time It’s Taken To Clean Up Bush’s Mess

President blames himself for underestimating extent to which his Republican predecessor managed to f*ck everything up.  WASHINGTON – In a conciliatory address to the nation today, President Obama apologized for the amount of time it has taken for him to…

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Posted in Biz News Human Interest

ATM Worried About Job Prospects in Cashless Economy

COLUMBUS, OH – As plastic and electronic methods continue to replace cash as consumers’ preferred means of payment, fears about the long-term impact of this trend are running high among a key segment of the nation’s banking workforce, specifically its…

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