Windows 10 Introduces Wide Array of Exciting New System Errors

Microsoft is proud to introduce Windows 10, the latest version of our operating system for PCs and tablets.

To help you get to know our new system better, here are answers to some questions you might have.

Why is it called Windows 10 when your last operating system was Windows 8?

Lots of people have asked this question. Some folks think that that because Windows 8 was such an unpopular disaster we wanted to put a little numerical distance between it and our new system. Read more Windows 10 Introduces Wide Array of Exciting New System Errors

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A Low Point for President Jesus

WASHINGTON – It has been a tough couple of months for President Jesus in the wake of the problem-plagued launch of the government’s HumanKindness.gov website and continuing criticism of his efforts to address the issues of unemployment and poverty in the United States.

House and Senate Republicans continued to pound the president over the implementation of his administration’s signature Love Thy Neighbor Act, commonly referred to as Jesuscare. Read more A Low Point for President Jesus

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Satirical News Article Solves U.S. Gun Violence Problem

FAIRFAX, VA – The contentious issue of gun control in the U.S. appears to have been fully resolved today, following the on-line publication of a satirical news article which instantly united advocates on both sides of the issue with its brilliant wit and insight.

The satirical news article, which combined the irreverent humor of The Onion with the sharp comedic incisiveness of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, had gun rights defenders and gun control advocates nodding their heads in laughter and agreement. Read more Satirical News Article Solves U.S. Gun Violence Problem

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CIA Internal Advisory: Secure Communications Guidelines

Dear colleagues,

In light of recent developments, we would like to advise all agency personnel about the use of certain communications channels and processes which may not be sufficiently secure. Please pay attention to the new guidelines below.

1. Don’t use a shared Gmail account’s drafts folder to exchange messages with colleagues, confidential informants, or extramarital partners. Even your teenagers are not that stupid. Instead, if you want to ensure that no one else will see your message, post it on Google Plus+. Read more CIA Internal Advisory: Secure Communications Guidelines

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Republicans Wish Democrats Would Stop Smiling

WASHINGTON – With the 2012 U.S. election now nearly a week old, Republican politicians are beginning to wonder how long it will take for their Democratic rivals to wipe the shit-eating grins off their faces and return to normal.

“It was understandable the first day or two after the election,” said Rep. Joe Barton (R-Tex.), “but now it’s starting to get kind of annoying.”

“Right, okay. We get it already. You’re happy,” noted Rep. Walter Jones (R-N.C.). “Now get over it, and let our Republican Congressional majority start making you miserable again.” Read more Republicans Wish Democrats Would Stop Smiling

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Romney Leads Among Schizophrenics

GlossyNews.com – CLEVELAND – A new Gallup poll released today finds that Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney continues to trail President Obama in popularity among women, African-Americans, Hispanics, Asians, people with cell phones, people aware of the internet, and voters under the age of 30.

However, the poll also found that Mr. Romney has managed to gain strong support among a key demographic here in the battleground state of Ohio: voters with multiple personality disorder (MPD). Read more Romney Leads Among Schizophrenics

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Barack Obama Asks for Your Vote… For Mitt Romney

By President Barack Obama

My fellow Americans,

Next Tuesday, November 6, is Election Day, and this year your vote is more important than ever before. That’s because in this election you have a choice between two very different visions for America.

One of those visions believes that ours is a country where everyone should have a fair shot at success and where everyone should pay their fair share of taxes. Read more Barack Obama Asks for Your Vote… For Mitt Romney

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Romney’s Economic Plan Is Right Direction For America, According to Apple Maps

Cupertino, CA – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s plan for restoring the U.S. economy will lead to a new era of high employment and prosperity for the nation, according to Apple’s new iOS 6 based Maps app.

By entering Mr. Romney’s plans for lowering taxes on the wealthy and eliminating government regulation into their Maps app, users of the new iPhone 5 are able to view America’s future rosy position at the top of the world’s economies. Read more Romney’s Economic Plan Is Right Direction For America, According to Apple Maps

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10 Signs That You’re In a Long-Term Relationship

1. You finish each other’s sentences… because you can’t stand the sound of the other person’s voice.

2. You have wild, passionate sex all night long. Then you wake up.

3. Whenever you miss each other, you just pick up another dish and try again.

4. Those words “until death do us part” sound more and more enticing. Read more 10 Signs That You’re In a Long-Term Relationship

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New Course Offerings for the Idiot Generation

HIS1995 – Life Before the Internet

This history course covers the dark period of mankind’s existence during the late 20th century, prior to the development of the World Wide Web. Students will learn about the primitive techniques utilized by early man for his daily survival and entertainment – including such legendary “lost arts” as standing, walking, communicating face-to-face with others, reading paper-based media, writing by hand, and watching video programming only at times and intervals dictated by broadcast television authorities.

Prerequisite: HIS1979 – Life Before Cell Phones

LIT1284 – English Literature Twitter Feed

This course introduces students to the some of the greatest works of English literature through a series of easily digestible tweets of 140 characters or less. Texts are enriched with emoticons to ease comprehension: “It was the best of times 🙂 It was the worst of times :-(“. The use of numerals, letters, symbols and abbreviations in place of words helps speed the reader along: “2B/2B? TITQ”.

Prerequisite: LIT241 – Famous Dramatic Soliloquies as Facebook Status Updates

GEO2012 – The World According to GPS

This course replaces all of our former geography courses, now that the ability to read a map is no longer a required skill in contemporary civilization. Students will practice a range of basic GPS-based driving skills – such as the ability to clearly say the name of their destination while having a mouthful of food, understanding the difference between “turn right” and “turn left”, and how to avoid panic when the GPS system says “recalculating”.

Prerequisite: GEO2011 – A World Outside of Your Home: Reality or Myth?

MAT1234 – Those Number Buttons on the Right Side of Your Keyboard

What would you do if your voice-activated accounting software failed? This course introduces students to the mysterious numerical keypad located on their computer keyboard and shows how it can actually be used to do basic mathematical calculations – such as addition, subtraction, multiplication and…well, we don’t want to give the whole course away now, do we?

Prerequisite: MAT123 – Counting on Your Fingers and Toes

COM1221 – Rewriting Wikipedia Entries

This composition course guides students through the process of rewriting information found on Wikipedia to seem like an original text based on the student’s own research.

Take the following Wikipedia entry, for example: “William I, usually known as William the Conqueror and sometimes as William the Bastard, was the first Norman King of England, reigning from 1066 until his death in 1087.”

This could easily be rewritten as follows: “William I was king of England from 1066 to 1087. The reason he decided to stop being king was that he died. Most people called him William the Conqueror because that was a really cool nickname. Some people called him William the Bastard, but probably not to his face. What ‘s weird is that his real name was Norman.”

CKG1000 – 1,000 Instant Noodle Recipes

This cooking workshop prepares students for surviving their college years through the preparation of a vast array of Ramen noodle-based meals. Practical tips include using dorm room leftovers – pizza crusts, nacho crumbs, Subway shredded lettuce – to give added flavor and bulk to noodle concoctions.

Prerequisite: CKG212 – Fundamentals of Boiling Water

SOC500 – Making the Most of Your 500th Job Interview

This social studies practicum helps prepare students for making their 500th job interview the one that finally gets them the job they’ve been desperately seeking for the past 20+ years since their graduation from college. Read more New Course Offerings for the Idiot Generation

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Unemployed Former Aerospace Engineer Says: “Stop calling me that”

CAPE CANAVERAL – Identifying labels apparently matter, at least to unemployed former aerospace engineer Fred Hackford, who is among the thousands of NASA workers being laid off by the space agency following its retirement of the space shuttle and its announced plans to cancel the development of new rockets and spacecraft.

“Hey, wait a minute,” Mr. Hackford objected. “Why did you just write that I’m an unemployed former aerospace engineer? I’m still an aerospace engineer, for God’s sake. It’s just that I lost my job.”

When asked whether “unemployed former aerospace industry worker” would be acceptable to him as an identifying label, Mr. Hackford replied, “Well, yeah, I guess that’s at least correct. But why do you have to keep using that word ‘former’? It sounds like my career is over. Why can’t you just call me an ‘unemployed aerospace engineer’? Besides, calling me a ‘former aerospace industry worker’ makes it sound as if I could have been just an equipment operator or a janitor.”

Unemployed former NASA janitor Neil Williams took issue with Mr. Hackford’s view, asking, “What do you mean that it sounds like you ‘could have been’ just a janitor, Fred? Shouldn’t you say that it sounds like you ‘could be’ just a janitor? I mean, okay, if you think that you’re still an aerospace engineer even though you lost your job, I’m cool with that. But doesn’t that mean that I’m still a janitor even though I lost mine?”

Others disagree with both men’s assessments, however, including unemployed former shop assistant Deborah Myers, whose retail position was among the 14,000 jobs at hotels, restaurants, stores and other Florida businesses impacted by NASA’s cuts.

“I don’t care whether you’re a rocket scientist or the guy who emptied the space shuttle’s toilets,” Ms. Myers said. “If you’re not doing it now, then you’re a ‘former’ whatever it was that you were doing.”

“Actually, you’re a former whoever it is that does whatever it was that you were doing,” said Rick Massey, Ms. Myers’ unemployed former boss.

“Sorry, but I have to disagree with that,” said unemployed former newspaper editor turned part-time freelance dog walker Andy Nelson. “I mean, there’s no way that I could still call myself an ‘editor’ now, even though it’s a very specialized profession that requires a lot of training. But a doctor is still a doctor, even if he or she loses a job in a hospital. That’s the same in Fred’s case, I think, as an aerospace engineer.”

“Thanks, Andy,” said Mr. Hackford. “Hey, which one of us is walking the Dobermans this week?”

Finally, also weighing in on the discussion was disgraced former New York governor and failed CNN host Eliot Spitzer, who commented, “Jeez. What is these people’s problem?”

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American Expatriates At a Loss What to Threaten To Do If Romney Is Elected

PRAGUE – As the 2012 U.S. presidential election approaches, the possibility of a win by Republican Mitt Romney is a cause for fear and concern among many liberal Americans across the country.

Among those most worried, however, are U.S. citizens who have already left the country to live abroad and thus now find them-selves at a loss as to what they can threaten to do in the event of a Romney victory.

“I would definitely say that I’m leaving the country if Romney is elected,” said Neil Woodward, 41, an American working as an English teacher here in the Czech capital. “But, unfortunately, I already did that after the Supreme Court unjustly handed the election to Bush in 2000.” Read more American Expatriates At a Loss What to Threaten To Do If Romney Is Elected

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150,000 Feared Dead Following Typical Day

EARTH – An estimated 150,000 people are presumed to have died yesterday in the wake of what experts described as “a fairly typical day” on the planet.

If confirmed, the expected number of fatalities during the latest in a string of typical days would raise the death toll since the dawn of human existence to approximately 108 billion.

Experts also noted that the typical day’s lethality was relatively normal, unmarked by any major life-extinguishing events such as earthquakes, hurricanes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions, or airplane crashes. Read more 150,000 Feared Dead Following Typical Day

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Budget Cuts Threaten U.S. Readiness for Unlikely War

Pentagon worried about ability to defend nation against improbable attack by indeterminate enemy.

WASHINGTON – Facing potential budget cuts of $1 trillion over ten years as a result of the U.S. Congress’s failure to agree on a deficit reduction plan, the Pentagon is voicing its concerns about the dangers such a reduction in defense spending poses to national security in an era of growing improbable military threats. Read more Budget Cuts Threaten U.S. Readiness for Unlikely War

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YouTube Sensation Checks Into Rehab… Meow

Celebrity seeks help after trashing hotel room in catnip-fueled rampage

LOS ANGELES – The pressures of fame appear to have claimed yet another celebrity victim today, as one of the Internet’s most beloved stars checked in for treatment at Hollywood’s exclusive Laurel Canyon Recovery Center.

Buster, the adorable cat who rocketed to nationwide fame in a series of viral YouTube videos, was admitted to the posh rehab facility this morning after Read more YouTube Sensation Checks Into Rehab… Meow

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U.S. Raises Gaffe Threat Level to Orange, As Romney Returns From Abroad

WASHINGTON – The U.S. Federal Election Commission today warned Americans of what it termed “an increased possibility of a major verbal gaffe taking place on U.S. soil within the coming days.”

The F.E.C. issued its warning after its analysts detected signals indicating that former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney had entered U.S. airspace and was apparently headed directly for the country. Read more U.S. Raises Gaffe Threat Level to Orange, As Romney Returns From Abroad

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Historic Accord Reached in Siblings’ Bitter Territorial Dispute

In major concessions by both sides, boy agrees to stop touching sister’s stuff in exchange for her ceasing to refer to him as “Snot Face.” 

SPOKANE, WA – Negotiators are expressing hopes for a new era of reconciliation and peaceful coexistence between eight-year-old Timmy Martin and his seven-year-old sister Lisa following a landmark agreement that resolved contentious issues of privacy and naming rights which had long divided the strife-torn siblings. Read more Historic Accord Reached in Siblings’ Bitter Territorial Dispute

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