Windows 10 Introduces Wide Array of Exciting New System Errors

Microsoft is proud to introduce Windows 10, the latest version of our operating system for PCs and tablets.

To help you get to know our new system better, here are answers to some questions you might have.

Why is it called Windows 10 when your last operating system was Windows 8?

Lots of people have asked this question. Some folks think that that because Windows 8 was such an unpopular disaster we wanted to put a little numerical distance between it and our new system. Read more Windows 10 Introduces Wide Array of Exciting New System Errors

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A Low Point for President Jesus

WASHINGTON – It has been a tough couple of months for President Jesus in the wake of the problem-plagued launch of the government’s HumanKindness.gov website and continuing criticism of his efforts to address the issues of unemployment and poverty in the United States.

House and Senate Republicans continued to pound the president over the implementation of his administration’s signature Love Thy Neighbor Act, commonly referred to as Jesuscare. Read more A Low Point for President Jesus

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Satirical News Article Solves U.S. Gun Violence Problem

FAIRFAX, VA – The contentious issue of gun control in the U.S. appears to have been fully resolved today, following the on-line publication of a satirical news article which instantly united advocates on both sides of the issue with its brilliant wit and insight.

The satirical news article, which combined the irreverent humor of The Onion with the sharp comedic incisiveness of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, had gun rights defenders and gun control advocates nodding their heads in laughter and agreement. Read more Satirical News Article Solves U.S. Gun Violence Problem

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CIA Internal Advisory: Secure Communications Guidelines

Dear colleagues,

In light of recent developments, we would like to advise all agency personnel about the use of certain communications channels and processes which may not be sufficiently secure. Please pay attention to the new guidelines below.

1. Don’t use a shared Gmail account’s drafts folder to exchange messages with colleagues, confidential informants, or extramarital partners. Even your teenagers are not that stupid. Instead, if you want to ensure that no one else will see your message, post it on Google Plus+. Read more CIA Internal Advisory: Secure Communications Guidelines

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Republicans Wish Democrats Would Stop Smiling

WASHINGTON – With the 2012 U.S. election now nearly a week old, Republican politicians are beginning to wonder how long it will take for their Democratic rivals to wipe the shit-eating grins off their faces and return to normal.

“It was understandable the first day or two after the election,” said Rep. Joe Barton (R-Tex.), “but now it’s starting to get kind of annoying.”

“Right, okay. We get it already. You’re happy,” noted Rep. Walter Jones (R-N.C.). “Now get over it, and let our Republican Congressional majority start making you miserable again.” Read more Republicans Wish Democrats Would Stop Smiling

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Romney Leads Among Schizophrenics

GlossyNews.com – CLEVELAND – A new Gallup poll released today finds that Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney continues to trail President Obama in popularity among women, African-Americans, Hispanics, Asians, people with cell phones, people aware of the internet, and voters under the age of 30.

However, the poll also found that Mr. Romney has managed to gain strong support among a key demographic here in the battleground state of Ohio: voters with multiple personality disorder (MPD). Read more Romney Leads Among Schizophrenics

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