Santorum Endorses Mitt Romney… For Profit

PITTSBURG, PA –GlossyNews Rick Santorum finally threw his support behind presumptive GOPTea™ nominee Mitt Romney, saying to his supporters, “I strongly encouraged Mitt to add me as the Team Conservative Leader, and I am pleased to say that I will now be an integral, and salaried, partner of his team.”

After a little cough, he closed his statement with, “I must say that I dropped out of the GOPTea™ primary back in early April, because of the massive money and God-like power of Romney’s well-oiled machine.”

The endorsement comes after the two sat down for what was termed Santorum’s job interview in Pittsburgh last week. We’ve discovered that in order to get the interview, Santorum signed a contract agreeing to say publicly and expressly, “I dropped out of the GOPTea™ primary back in early April, because of the massive money and God-like power of Romney’s well-oiled machine.”

What we’re now posting is the top-secret Romney, Inc. staff’s “Interview Pointers” memo to Santorum before last week’s job interview – printed below.

Dear Mr. Santorum:

Per your request, we’ve assembled what we feel are the pointers that will help you in your upcoming interview for a position at Romney, Inc. Please note that these are not to be disclosed to anyone. Ever. If they do surface in the press, Mr. Romney will quietly, but effectively, assure that you won’t work in Washington DC again. You will be, as he famously likes to put it, toast.

Also please find enclosed, a Romney, Inc. check to retire your failed campaign’s debts in full. Again, as you requested. Please pay close note that the check is unsigned. Mr. Romney agrees he will personally sign the check at a time, probably within the coming month, when he feels assured that nothing pertaining to this meeting or memo has been leaked to the press.

Now, Our Pointers:
1) Wear photo-op clothes, one of your sweater vests is nice if you have any left. Nothing with your name on it. This is only about Mitt now.

2) Smile and show “enthuseiam” for the job. This is so important. It’s a deal breaker for Mitt if you can’t paste a smile on your face and keep it there no matter what. He likes to use the word “enthuseiam” – it is not misspelled. He made the word up while he worked at Staples. Enthuse I Am. Words he felt should be merged as one. Keep this under your hat, as Mitt is sensitive about what was refudiated to happen to Sarah with her attempt at made-up words.

3) Mitt never asks for a personal resume. Don’t bring one. He’s comfortable with the the phone number from your high school and the name of a teacher whose class you did well in and still knows you. If your favorite teacher for some reason has passed from this world to The Kingdom, then Mitt will be happy to have him/her baptized as a Mormon in Salt Lake City. There’s no charge to the family for this service. Consider it a free gift from The Members.

4) No birth certificate is required either. Mitt considers himself an equal opportunity employer who trusts you. He also believes that where you were born is your private information, none of his business. This, he says, he learned early on at his father’s knee on vacations visiting family in Mexico.

5) Forget whatever you have heard about making eye contact with your interviewer. Mitt will never look you in the eye, so don’t you be looking at him when you speak either. Big Time Deal Breaker. Please note: this is not written down anywhere, so you didn’t hear it from me. It’s for real – not a prank.

6) Mitt will try to grill you about your “strengths and weaknesses”. Don’t fall for it, this is a trick question. He likes to pull these pranks on everyone. Try to think of a strength that could be used as a weakness, such as “I think I’m too nice sometimes.” Believe me, you never want to expose any weaknesses to him, you’ll never ever live it down. Don’t get me started.

7) If Mitt asks you anything you feel is too personal, such as where do you go to church? — you must answer the question by saying, “that’s a good question but I don’t see how it pertains to the interview.” He loves to hear that answer, as it’s the one he uses whenever his religion comes up. This is one of his favorite pranks, so be ready for “Where do you go to church” any time, as he asks everyone that question. Now that you know the answer, don’t forget it.

8) Stay on top of things. Be upbeat. Don’t be all gloomy and muggy. And above all, don’t lie. That’s the worst thing a job seeker can do is lie to Mitt. If you feel you have to lie about something, the pasted-on smile hides a lot of lies. Think of a different word in your mind, like rubbish, rot or fib, and just try to be upbeat about it. Mitt uses the word “malarkey” when he is lying. You will notice that he says “malarkey” with a big smile at the end of almost every sentence he speaks. You will get used to it. Just don’t lie about it. Keep smiling.

9) Always tell Mitt exactly what he needs to hear. These are some of the words that he loves to hear: “Organization”, “hard work”, “determination”, “be upbeat, my friend”, “motivated”. You will get extra points for using the phrases: “company debt to benefit the company” and “corporations are people, my friend”. Big warning: never use the word “bain” for what it really means. Bain means only Mitt’s greatest success in life. Nothing else.

10) Biggest Warning: Don’t ever use the words “dog”, “car” and “road trip” in the same sentence. That is the Ultimate Deal Breaker. Our staff calls that “Gaol Baiting”. Gaol is Irish for jail. But we are referring here to Gail Collins — it is Mitt’s dark, personal humor about a bitchy, female NYTimes editor. Mitt has made any use of “dog” completely off limits.

Good luck!
—The Romney, Inc. Staff.
cc: GLOSSYNEWS

Author: BobZaguy

Gender: Male Astrological Sign: Scorpio Zodiac Year: Horse Occupation: Graphic Design Location: Chicago : IL : United States Wine and graphic design… inseparable. Interests Barflies & Lemonade Favorite Movies Anything with Paul Newman; sauce, lemonade, sex; not in that order. Favorite Music Classical Second Favorite Jazz Favorite Books Underworld–Don DeLillo Favorite Movies "I ain't got no favorite movies, well maybe just that Bambi"

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