Parker Bros Updates ‘Monopoly’ To Reflect Current Economics

Because of recent world economic changes, the Parker Brothers game company has announced that it is going to update its world famous game ‘Monopoly’ to better reflect the true financial times we live in.

The following changes will be made in the cards, the board and the general playing of the game.

As a player you can now get a federal bail out for your bank. Meanwhile you can still continue to foreclose on the same taxpayers who financed your bailout.

You can now buy up low-income property that is rundown at a cheap price. You may then boot everyone out so that you can tear down their houses and apartments and build luxury apartments. Entire towns can now be bought up and so built up that the poor have nowhere to go.

‘Free Parking’ will no longer be free. There is no room and no heart in a truly capitalistic society for freebies.

When buying electric companies you are allowed to have total monopolies over the entire power grid of your area. Ridiculing alternative energy sources and creating legislature against them is allowed so that they do not become a threat to you.

There will be more ‘Investigation By The IRS’ cards than there have been in the past. And more players will end up in the Jail because of it.

New player token pieces will include a gecko in honor of Micheal Douglas’s role in ‘Wall Street’, a bust of Vladimir Putin in recognition of his taking over Russia’s oil company and throwing the founder in jail, a dyed red hair piece in honor of Donald Trump, a flimsy pyramid to recognize Bernie Madoff, a Chinese yellow star in memory of the fact that the world’s second largest economy still considers itself communist and a piece shaped like Iceland sinking in the ocean in memory of their being an entire country that almost tanked in the recession.

As a property holder you can foreclose on the property, boot the residents out, keep the money they have paid you throughout the years and resell it again and start the whole money leeching process all over again.

There is a special new section in the middle of the board. It is a no mans land occupied by the homeless and poor and former middle class. Everyone crowded in there has to fend for themselves. They will be ignored by all other players throughout the game. This will be the only part of the game board where tents will be allowed to be erected and will occasionally be cleaned out by the police.

The ‘Advance to Reading Railroad’ card- If you draw this card you will be able to rip out all the tracks putting the company out of business because you are an auto manufacturer and don’t want any competition to the selling of your cars.

You can forcibly take over an old lady’s house and land in Atlantic City so that you can build another casino there just like Donald Trump did.

There will be a new ‘Occupy Wall Street’ section added where all the dissidents, hippies, malcontents, and unfortunates will be shuttled into and will have to remain until they ‘adjust their attitude’. Same section will also serve as a second Jail when the first one becomes too over crowded.

If your business runs into financial difficulties, you will have so much clout in Congress that you can finagle a bailout using tax payer funds while still shrieking about the dangers of socialism.

Using the ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ card- The modern version will be presented to you by your most in pocket politician. Only the richest players will be eligible to get it. They will generally be issued the day before the politico leaves office.

If at any time during the game you become property-less you will thereafter be considered a second class citizen and shunned by the other players.

You will be allowed to start Super Pac’s as a way of dominating the game – whoever has the richest Super Pac to sponsor his candidate wins.

‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ card only for richest players – the poorest have to stay in jail for the entire game- and longer.

Poorer players must follow all the rules. Players who become CEO’s of their respective companies don’t have to follow any of the rules and can even make up new ones that the others have to follow.

The low denomination money used for the game will remain the same although it is woefully out of sync with modern prices. This will be to keep the working class players from realizing just how little value what they are earning really has.

Author: rfreed

I was born and I died. Being a disembodied entity makes it very cheap for me to get by. Not having to worry about eating or having a place to live gives me a lot of freedom to squander my time writing occasionally funny articles. See more almost funny stuff at