Mix-up in Hell Has Satan Sending More than One Anti-Christ to Earth

HOLLISTER, California (GLossyNews) — Satan is said to be madder than hell at his minions this week after he learned that more than one, and possibly as many as eight Anti-Christs have been unleashed upon the Earth during the past century.

Harry Scarem, a demonologist from California was able to ascertain this after a particularly grueling satanic ritual over the weekend wherein Satan personally appeared for a few moments to explain the error. Said Satan, “I would have sent one of my minions, but they are all idiots.” Read more Mix-up in Hell Has Satan Sending More than One Anti-Christ to Earth

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Sen. Byrd’s Death Ruled Bizarre Act of Self Mutilation

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — West Virginia Sen. Robert Carlyle Byrd, the longest-serving member of Congress and the self-educated son of a coal miner, died Monday at age 92.

Byrd was born Cornelius Calvin Sale Jr. on November 20, 1917, in North Carolina. His mother died when he was a year old. His aunt and uncle, Titus and Vlurma Byrd, legally adopted him. A nine-term Democrat, Byrd was known as a master of the chamber’s often-arcane rules and as the self-proclaimed “champion of the Constitution,” a jealous guardian of congressional power. Read more Sen. Byrd’s Death Ruled Bizarre Act of Self Mutilation

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Tragedy Blamed on Mistaken Identity

TORONTO, Ontario (GlossyNews) RCMP District Superintendent Dudley Pemberton spoke to reporters today in the wake of what’s being called ‘the Toronto atrocity.’

“First, I want to say we tried to do right. All of you who snidely imply otherwise, you don’t have your facts straight. These G20 summits, it’s horrible. Young environmentalists flying in from all over the world to chant ‘no blood for oil’ and they’re spoiling for confrontation.” Read more Tragedy Blamed on Mistaken Identity

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Palin Stops Short of Referring to Self as Martyr (Barely)

TURLOCK, Calif. (GlossyNews) — In yet another controversial appearance of Sarah Palin, this time at the California State University, Stanislaus campus, Sarah complained of how her message is being met with the same controversy over and over–that she is undeserving of the large sums of money she commands for her appearance fees. Read more Palin Stops Short of Referring to Self as Martyr (Barely)

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Angry Customer returns I-Phone

CORNUCOPIA, California (GlossyNews) — Tech stocks are expected to open sharply lower tomorrow in reaction to the disturbing news from England. While it initially seemed Apple’s latest version of the I-phone was another unqualified triumph, hopes are now quickly fading.

Market watchers are taking a bearish ‘too soon to say’ attitude on Apple stock. Said Gordon Gecko of investment bank Guildenstern & Rosencrantz, “This could be Steve Jobs’ Katrina, no kidding.” Read more Angry Customer returns I-Phone

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Miley Cyrus Posts Topless Photos

HOLLYWOODLAND, California (GlossyNews) — Tween idol Miley Cyrus has once again shocked and baffled her fans and detractors this morning by allowing even more shocking and revealing pictures to be posted to the internet. Some of the pictures are obviously candid shots while others demonstrate her choice of inappropriate and revealing costumes used in her act.

The most shocking are candid photos revealing the singer topless, which we at Glossy News feel obliged to release unedited for their news value. Read more Miley Cyrus Posts Topless Photos

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BP Creates Culinary Division to Sell Turtle Meat

CHALMETTE, Louisiana (GlossyNews) — Add abysmal stock prices to the $20 billion escrow fund and BP’s existing $2.35 billion clean up tab, and you begin to realize how quickly deep pockets grow shallow. The Deep Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has destroyed the petroleum giant’s forecasted $14 billion profit margin. And with 2.5 million gallons of crude spewing from the well daily, it becomes a daunting, if not impossible, task to calculate the financial hardships BP may be facing in the very near future. To further complicate matters, various pension fund managers have announced plans to sue BP for heavy investment losses. Read more BP Creates Culinary Division to Sell Turtle Meat

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