Posted in Religionism

Mix-up in Hell Has Satan Sending More than One Anti-Christ to Earth

HOLLISTER, California (GLossyNews) — Satan is said to be madder than hell at his minions this week after he learned that more than one, and possibly as many as eight Anti-Christs have been unleashed upon the Earth during the past…

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Posted in Politics

Sen. Byrd’s Death Ruled Bizarre Act of Self Mutilation

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — West Virginia Sen. Robert Carlyle Byrd, the longest-serving member of Congress and the self-educated son of a coal miner, died Monday at age 92. Byrd was born Cornelius Calvin Sale Jr. on November 20, 1917, in…

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Posted in Crime

Tragedy Blamed on Mistaken Identity

TORONTO, Ontario (GlossyNews) RCMP District Superintendent Dudley Pemberton spoke to reporters today in the wake of what’s being called ‘the Toronto atrocity.’ “First, I want to say we tried to do right. All of you who snidely imply otherwise, you…

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Posted in Politics

Palin Stops Short of Referring to Self as Martyr (Barely)

TURLOCK, Calif. (GlossyNews) — In yet another controversial appearance of Sarah Palin, this time at the California State University, Stanislaus campus, Sarah complained of how her message is being met with the same controversy over and over–that she is undeserving…

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos

Angry Customer returns I-Phone

CORNUCOPIA, California (GlossyNews) — Tech stocks are expected to open sharply lower tomorrow in reaction to the disturbing news from England. While it initially seemed Apple’s latest version of the I-phone was another unqualified triumph, hopes are now quickly fading….

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Posted in Entertainment

Miley Cyrus Posts Topless Photos

HOLLYWOODLAND, California (GlossyNews) — Tween idol Miley Cyrus has once again shocked and baffled her fans and detractors this morning by allowing even more shocking and revealing pictures to be posted to the internet. Some of the pictures are obviously…

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Posted in Biz News Environment

BP Creates Culinary Division to Sell Turtle Meat

CHALMETTE, Louisiana (GlossyNews) — Add abysmal stock prices to the $20 billion escrow fund and BP’s existing $2.35 billion clean up tab, and you begin to realize how quickly deep pockets grow shallow. The Deep Horizon oil spill in the…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Miley Cyrus Keynote Speaker at Exhibitionists’ Convention

SAN FRANCISCO, Kalifornia (GlossyNews) — Underage puddy cat queen, Miley Cyrus, who stunned her ‘tween fans by climbing out of a convertible in front of hundreds of paparazzi wearing a skin-tight mini dress with no underwear, is keynote speaker at…

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Posted in Religionism

Catholic Church Finds Innocent Priest, Excommunicates Him

CASTRO STREET, San Fransisco, CA (GlossyNews) — The Catholic Church revealed Saturday morning that they had found one priest in Renton, Washington, whom, they say, has never committed any act of abuse or possibly any sin during his tenure as…

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Posted in Top Stories

Teenager Asked for ID to Buy Whipped Cream

ATLANTA, Ga. (GlossyNews) — When a new product comes to market, it doesn’t take long for the younger crowd to scope it out and try to scoop it up, especially when that new product contains alcohol. Such is the case…

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Posted in News In Your Briefs

Former VP Cheney Enters Hospital, Claims 8 Souls

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Posted in Environment

Cuban Refugee Dredged from Oil Slick, Cleaned, Deported

GRAND ISLE, La.-A team of marine biologists recovered 120 specimens from the rapidly spreading oil spill off the coast of Louisiana Wednesday.

The team, comprised of staff and students from several Gulf Coast universities, volunteered to assist clean-up efforts while studying environmental impacts. While cleaning feathers and fur with dish detergent, Anne Fullerton, a student at Southern University in Baton Rouge, discovered what turned out to be a Mexican attempting to enter the U.S. illegally.

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Posted in Making Headlines

Aspiring Reality Stars Accuse Gore of Sexual impropriety en Masse

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Miley Cyrus: My Vagina Now More Popular than Jesus

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (GlossyNews) — After blowing the top off the entertainment world by exposing her bottom, a la Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus has come up with another stunner to draw media attention to herself, a la John Lennon: she claims…

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Posted in Environment Politics

Dick Cheney to Form GOP Apology Task Force

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — Texas Representative Joe Barton’s strange apology to BP CEO Tony Hayward for the government imposed $20 billion escrow account to repay damages caused by the Deep Horizon oil spill continues to spark controversy. The ill-fated gaffe…

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Posted in Human Interest

Satan is Suing His Insurance Company

Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez. This guy claiming to be the Devil phones and asks that we interview him. Turns out Satan doesn’t look a bit like I imagined. He’s kinda hot really. He looks…

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Posted in Sports

Four North Korean Soccer Players Missing, More to Follow

DURBAN, South Africa (GlossyNews) — Four players on the North Korean Soccer Team have gone missing. They were unaccounted for on Friday when they failed to show up for practice. Rumors are swirling that the missing team members have defected…

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Posted in World News

US Declares Entire Gulf of Mexico a US Oil Reserve

WASHINGTON D.C. (GlossyNews) — The U.S. today decreed the Gulf of Mexico should be made into the Southern National Petroleum Reserve and should fall under the jurisdiction of the U.S. Military. Much like the little known National Petroleum Reserve that…

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Posted in Entertainment

CBS Announces New Reality Show Will ‘Buy American’

LOS ANGELES, California (GlossyNews) The producer of TV’s popular “Amazing Race” today revealed expansion plans for the profitable franchise. Speaking from Malibu’s exclusive ‘Psst, You can smoke in here’ Bistro, Lane Fontana wowed reporters. His remarks were also well received…

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Posted in News In Your Briefs

Monkeys Replace Humans as Referees for World Cup 2010

Durban, South Africa – After many complaints about the poor calls being made by the referees hired to service the World Cup 2010 soccer matches, FIFA officials have decided to hire trained monkeys to referee the remaining games. Said one…

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