Categorized | Religionism

Catholic Church Finds Innocent Priest, Excommunicates Him

Catholic Church Finds Innocent Priest, Excommunicates Him

CASTRO STREET, San Fransisco, CA (GlossyNews) — The Catholic Church revealed Saturday morning that they had found one priest in Renton, Washington, whom, they say, has never committed any act of abuse or possibly any sin during his tenure as a seminary student, and throughout his preisthood.

Father Quentin O’Daily, 42, originally of Fargo, North Dakota, was paraded in front of the news media as the quintessential new model priest of the 21st Century. His background was verified by Funk and Wagnals as well as Price Waterhouse.

“He is 110 percent pure,” gleefully ejaculated Father Max Packer, Bishop of Duluth.

The perfection however, didn’t last and things rapidly ran aground some time after noon on Saturday. It seems that during all the festivities, Father O’Daily let slip that he is actually an Atheist.

“This sort of thing, really shouldn’t affect how well I do my job,” lamented O’Daily.

Alas the Pope and a couple Archbishops disagreed. O’Daily was excommunicated, vitandus, later Saturday for crimes against the Holy Spirit.

Father Packer explained the situation: “There is no tolerance for any priest or leader in the Catholic Church who does not believe in God and uphold His laws. Failure to believe in God is an unforgivable sin and the Church does not take kindly to Priests or any other officiants who masquerade as holy men but who in fact are perpetrating a crime against humanity and endangering the souls of the faithful as well as the future of the Church.”

When asked about Priests who prey on their parishoners and abuse their relationship with vulnerable adults and children, Father Packer pointed out, “Well, we’re only human, we all make mistakes.”

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@rev_rend Reverend Mike is a contributing editor for Glossy News. He was a Combat Chaplain with the Soviet Red Army in the 1980s. A career which he describes as an 'unappreciated field of endeavor'. He later worked as an Information Officer with the TASS News Agency on assignment in White Sands, NM. The collapse of the Soviet Union left him unemployed and homeless. He survived by selling magazine subscriptions door to door disguised as a college coed. He was later kidnapped and taken to Shanghai where he was sold into a white slavery ring. He lived as a concubine for a Japanese music industry mogul until 2002 when a wardrobe malfunction revealed his true identity. He found himself homeless and unemployed again, with only his collection of Polaroid snap shots. Reverend Mike has since scraped together a meagre living by blackmailing Japanese industrialists. Reverend Mike lives in a small 5 bedroom penthouse flat overlooking Central Park in New York City. His hobbies include exotic motorcycles, supermodels and owning small nations....

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