TORONTO, Ontario (GlossyNews) RCMP District Superintendent Dudley Pemberton spoke to reporters today in the wake of what’s being called ‘the Toronto atrocity.’
“First, I want to say we tried to do right. All of you who snidely imply otherwise, you don’t have your facts straight. These G20 summits, it’s horrible. Young environmentalists flying in from all over the world to chant ‘no blood for oil’ and they’re spoiling for confrontation.”
Pemberton presented a pie chart representing the demographic of G20 protesters. According to the Superintendent, they’re comprised mostly of anti-capitalists, environmentalists, and anti-globalists. Anarchists and stoners were sharply down in attendance this year, a statistic Pemberton attributed to Phish being on tour currently.
“You can see, this is crazy. G20 is like ‘Burning Man’ for politically active youngsters. Law enforcement professionals who have real responsibility, unlike you drooling scribblers, to us this was an invasion. You people can’t imagine the entire scope of it. All you see is broken windows, rude graffiti and Molotov cocktails. Let me tell you what all went on, eh?”
Pemberton then related a litany of ‘uncivil disobedience’ that took place all over the greater Toronto area. Incidents included dozens of trashed hotel rooms and the unauthorized opening of seventeen fire hydrants. Also, someone defecated in the reflective pool at Windsor Park. A person or persons unknown ‘liberated’ the animals at a local petting zoo.
“That’s what it’s been like. In the fog of war mistakes get made. It’s not the RCMP’s fault this big mess coincided with Gay Pride week. We didn’t do the schedules. Put yourself in our boots? You’re running around after G20 crazies, and here comes this other mass of people down the street. So yeah, we roughed up some peaceful Gay Pride marchers; it was an accident. They should carry signs or something.”
On questioning, Superintendent Pemberton acknowledged the Gay Pride marchers actually did have signs, come to think of it. However, he insisted this is a ‘non-story’ and pointed out the RCMP has already received five ‘thank you’ notes from arrestees, along with contact info.