CHALMETTE, Louisiana (GlossyNews) — Add abysmal stock prices to the $20 billion escrow fund and BP’s existing $2.35 billion clean up tab, and you begin to realize how quickly deep pockets grow shallow. The Deep Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has destroyed the petroleum giant’s forecasted $14 billion profit margin. And with 2.5 million gallons of crude spewing from the well daily, it becomes a daunting, if not impossible, task to calculate the financial hardships BP may be facing in the very near future. To further complicate matters, various pension fund managers have announced plans to sue BP for heavy investment losses.
New York’s Common Retirement Fund owned 19 million shares in company stock when the Deep Horizon rig exploded back in April. They claim dramatic decreases in value as a result. Florida is also taking legal action against BP. Its pension system covers one million retirees and active workers. Pension fund managers there cite unrealized losses of $65 million and $21 million of realized losses. With BP shares now trading at a 14-year low, the company must find other revenue sources if it hopes to remain in business.
But to every cloud, they say, is a silver lining. Contextually speaking, it would also be fair to say that for every oil slick there is a silvery, albeit greasy, sheen. BP executives say they have found their salvation by employing wildly out-of-the-box thinking. The strategy is both ingenious and alarming. British Petroleum is creating a new culinary division tentatively titled “British Potluck,” which replaces the initial brand name “Beyond Provisions” suggested by Marketing last week.
“By exploiting the newly discovered resources available through our clean up efforts,” said Andy Inglis, the executive who oversees Exploration and Production, “we can take BP to the next level while giving back to the people whose shores we’ve sullied. We’re going to begin distributing rare delicacies long sought after in this region of the United States. And, at discounted prices.”
The fancy feast? Turtle meat, to be precise. Southern epicureans have historically cherished dishes like turtle soup. In New Orleans, for example, turtle soup has been a specialty of several neighborhood and classic Creole restaurants, such as Commander’s Palace, Brennan’s and Galatoire’s. Turtle soup was also U.S. President William Howard Taft’s favorite food. He brought a special chef into the White House for the specific purpose of preparing this dish. But turtle flesh has traditionally proven to be both expensive and difficult to procure. BP says procurement is no longer an obstacle.
During the controlled burns BP used to control the spread of the oil, workers discovered that a rare and endangered species of sea turtle was being burned alive around the Gulf of Mexico.
Mike Ellis, a boat captain involved in a three-week effort to rescue the sea turtles, said BP shut down the operation by preventing boats from coming out to save the turtles.
“They ran us out of there and then they shut us down, they would not let us get back in there,” Ellis told authorities.
BP spokesperson Lydia Traffalt contested Ellis’ claim. “People like Mike Ellis aren’t out there trying to save marine life,” she said. “They’re out there trying to harvest the meat for themselves. We’ve spent billions trying to fix this mess. The way we see it, that meat is ours.”
Controlled burns are an integral component to BP’s clean up efforts. Fire-resistant booms are used to contain a patch of oil. This area is then lit on fire, burning off the oil and whatever marine life may have been inside.
Restaurants are already recruiting special chefs and altering menus. One elated New Orleans resident said, “Ever since my shrimping business went under, I haven’t been able to afford turtle soup. It’s a fancy dish round here. Now I understand they’ll be selling turtle meat in bulk, at fast food prices. It almost makes the environmental damage worth the trouble.”