Obama Imposes Shopping Cart Safety Measures for Kids

BALTIMORE, Maryland (GlossyNews) — The Obama Administration, in another unprecedented exercise of governmental control, has ordered the Consumer Protection Agency to implement sweeping new safety codes to protect children in shopping carts. The strict new rules will carry the force of law across America, but they are implemented by the Consumer Protection Agency – a body of appointed, not elected, officials who answer directly to the President and his cabinet.

The laws, which go into effect November 1, 2010, are designed to protect children and are based on a recent study which showed that over 24000 children are admitted to hospitals each year from accidents resulting from shopping cart incidents. While the reforms are meant to protect children, they severely hinder the rights and responsibilities of parents to control and monitor their own children’s behavior. Read more Obama Imposes Shopping Cart Safety Measures for Kids

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Miley Cyrus Posts Topless Photos

HOLLYWOODLAND, California (GlossyNews) — Tween idol Miley Cyrus has once again shocked and baffled her fans and detractors this morning by allowing even more shocking and revealing pictures to be posted to the internet. Some of the pictures are obviously candid shots while others demonstrate her choice of inappropriate and revealing costumes used in her act.

The most shocking are candid photos revealing the singer topless, which we at Glossy News feel obliged to release unedited for their news value. Read more Miley Cyrus Posts Topless Photos

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Catholic Church Finds Innocent Priest, Excommunicates Him

CASTRO STREET, San Fransisco, CA (GlossyNews) — The Catholic Church revealed Saturday morning that they had found one priest in Renton, Washington, whom, they say, has never committed any act of abuse or possibly any sin during his tenure as a seminary student, and throughout his preisthood.

Father Quentin O’Daily, 42, originally of Fargo, North Dakota, was paraded in front of the news media as the quintessential new model priest of the 21st Century. His background was verified by Funk and Wagnals as well as Price Waterhouse.

“He is 110 percent pure,” gleefully ejaculated Father Max Packer, Bishop of Duluth. Read more Catholic Church Finds Innocent Priest, Excommunicates Him

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BP Solves the Catastrophe by Creating a Disaster

HOUSTON, Texas (GlossyNews) – 10,000 barrels of crude burning per day. In a move typical of the greed and gluttony of Big Oil, British Petroleum began to burn thousands of barrels of crude oil DAILY captured from the leak in the Gulf which they caused on Earth Day.

BP which caused one of the biggest man made ecological disasters in the history of the planet, in their rush to make billions of dollars, will solve that partially by burning 10,000 barrels of crude a DAY. Read more BP Solves the Catastrophe by Creating a Disaster

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Woman Sues Google After Attempting to Cross Street

Reno, NV (GlossyNews) — A Reno NV woman became the second person to sue Google because of an issue with Google Maps. Similar to an earlier action in Park City, UT, the woman, Eustancia Dumas is suing Google for poor directions related to the walking instructions Google offered. The woman claims that Google did not go into enough detail about how to cross the street.

Ms Dumas, who recently moved to Reno, consulted Google Maps to find a route to the local Piggly Wiggly. Dumas, who doesn’t drive and usually has others deliver her groceries, decided that the store was close enough for her to walk. She consulted Google Maps to offer her a walking route to the store, which was 3/4 of a mile down the sidewalk on the same street. Read more Woman Sues Google After Attempting to Cross Street

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Gordon “Gordy” Chastain, Philanthropist, Inventor, Diplomat, Dead at Age 4

Biloxi, MS (GlossyNews) — Gordon P Chastain, better known to the world as “Gordy” Chastain has died before his time, at the age of four, due to complications from malnutrition and insufficient pediatric medical care.

The child, who was to become one of the world’s most powerful men, died in the arms of a social worker because the programs which kept him alive through to adolescence had been slashed or never funded. Read more Gordon “Gordy” Chastain, Philanthropist, Inventor, Diplomat, Dead at Age 4

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Gov Sanford to Leave GOP; No Longer a ‘Conservative’

Columbia, SC (GlossyNews) — Conservatives, led by newly divorced adulterer, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford (exR), whose marriage ended earlier this year after lying about his whereabouts and cheating on his wife, have lost their patience with the news media that continues to pry into their every indiscretion.

Sanford, who recently spent a vacation in Florida renewing his passion with his foreign girlfriend, became irate when journalists showed more interest in his lack of integrity and morals than in his feeble attempts to actually govern. Read more Gov Sanford to Leave GOP; No Longer a ‘Conservative’

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Obama Fails to Appoint Deist to Supreme Court

Washington DC (GlossyNews) — President Obama, refusing to yield to the demands of Tea Party agitators, has once again failed to appoint a Deist to the Supreme Court.

Obama has announced that he will nominate Elena Kagan to the court, choosing a Jewish woman to preside over the legacy of the white, Deist, Founding Fathers. Read more Obama Fails to Appoint Deist to Supreme Court

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Is the iPad Right-Sizing Technology (Again)?

Utah, Behind the Zion Curtain (GlossyNews) — The iPad sucks. Whew, there, I said it, let the games begin. The iPad – single tasking handheld tablet computer that has the ability to enter local area networks and the internet, along with the inability to process at least one of the most popular multimedia data formats on the network — even though it has exceptional graphics. It does not offer stylus or pen computing or any handwriting capability (although, that may be a plus).

maXiPad? So what is it? It isn’t new, that’s for sure. Read more Is the iPad Right-Sizing Technology (Again)?

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French Destroyer Surrenders to Somali Pirates

Paris (GlossyNews) — The French Ministry of Defense this morning announced that a French Navy destroyer, the FS Ouragan (Hurricane), surrendered to Somali pirates after a small outboard motor powered speed boat came alongside and fired a pistol towards the command bridge.

FS Ouragan, a Horizon class destroyer, carries 8 Exocet anti-ship missles, two Otobreda 76mm super rapid guns and two 20mm cannons, in addition to anti-missle missles. Read more French Destroyer Surrenders to Somali Pirates

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Sarah Palin Wants to Lead the NAACP

Baltimore, MD (GlossyNews) — The Membership Council of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) announced this morning that they were reviewing an application for membership from Sarah Louise Palin.

Only two hours later, Mrs Palin held a press conference where she reportedly expressed her desire to become chairman of the NAACP.

During a rare question and answer session after the press conference, where Mrs Palin answered questions herself, one reporter asked, “How can you be a member of the NAACP when you aren’t black?” Read more Sarah Palin Wants to Lead the NAACP

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David Cassidy More Popular than Sarah Palin?

Chicago, IL (GlossyNews) — The Republican National Committee (RNC), in a move that now appears to have backfired, recently conducted a number of related polls designed to demonstrate the popularity of Sarah Palin. The RNC refuses to release the data officially, but sources within the RNC’s central council have revealed that Americans chose aging pop star David Cassidy nearly 2 to 1 over the fading politician. Read more David Cassidy More Popular than Sarah Palin?

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Tiger Woods Converts to Mormonism, Declares 2nd Wife – Seeking More?

Salt Lake City, UT – Thurl Bailey step aside, the LDS Church will soon have a new spokesmodel. In a bizarre turn of events yesterday morning, LDS Church elders in Salt Lake City announced that Tiger Woods has decided to join the Mormon Church.

Woods, who has been searching for meaning to his life like a bum searching for change, stumbled upon two Mormon missionaries over the Christmas holidays and has embraced the faith. Read more Tiger Woods Converts to Mormonism, Declares 2nd Wife – Seeking More?

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Sarah Palin Proudly Earns GED — And Real, Not Honorary

Sandpoint, ID (GlossyNews) — Sarah Palin may not be smarter than an inner-city or deep-south fifth grader, but on Friday, she’ll earned something few 5th graders have — a high school diploma; well, a high school equivalency certificate, at any rate.

After months of intensive study at a secret compound in Idaho, former gubernatorial quitter Palin has successfully completed the requirements for her GED, including the “trying” written test. Her success comes well ahead of the 1 -year deadline she backdated for herself in hindsight. Read more Sarah Palin Proudly Earns GED — And Real, Not Honorary

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World’s First Pregnant Man Opts for Abortion

Berlin (GlossyNews) — The first man to be able to successfully conceive, carry and naturally deliver a child, announced today that he will have an abortion, four months in to his pregnancy. Abel Boustard, 27, from the small town of Arad in western Romania said he realized that he was not prepared for the demands of fatherhood.

“It all seemed so cool in the beginning,” Read more World’s First Pregnant Man Opts for Abortion

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Thurmond Tried to Swap MLK Day for Stonewall Jackson Day

Legendary confederate statesman Strom Thurmond one time tried to trade away a holiday to celebrate the life of Civil Rights leader Dr. Martin Luther King Jr in exchange for a national day honoring Confederate General Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson, who was born on January 21, 1824.

Thurmond’s behind the scenes efforts late in his life were revealed this morning in personal papers only recently released to the public. Read more Thurmond Tried to Swap MLK Day for Stonewall Jackson Day

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Gov Sanford Takes Leave After SC House Censure

Columbia, SC (GlossyNews) — Governor Mark Sanford was censured Wednesday for his inappropriate behavior and th disgrace, shame and dishonor he has brought to the Office of Governor of South Carolina during his sordid affair with an Argentine woman. Sanford lied to his staff and the public as to his whereabouts, left the state and the country without notifying his staff, and possibly compromised US security with liaisons with a foreign person — an action that has led to the loss of security clearances and jobs to regular workers and military personnel. The house censure said Sanford should “hang his head in shame and disgrace and be thankful that we didn’t live in a time when men could have their johnsons amputated for such actions.” Read more Gov Sanford Takes Leave After SC House Censure

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European Union Won’t Honor Christmas Starting 2010

Brussells (GlossyNews) — According to a new policy mandated by an internal commission of the European Union, Christmas 2010, and every Christmas thereafter, will just be ‘another day’ on the calendar. A spokesperson for the Regional Policy Commission of the European Union announced that the Commission officially decided late Tuesday not to recognize Christmans and other religious holidays effective February 1, 2010. Phillipe Hartmann, media spokesman for the office of Commissioner Johannes Hahn, stated that the Commission decided that the emphasis on religious holidays had become too focused on Western, Judeo-Christian observances such as Christmas, at the expense of lesser known religious festivals and feasts in other religions such as Islam and Hinduism. Read more European Union Won’t Honor Christmas Starting 2010

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