Posted in Biz News Health

Obama Imposes Shopping Cart Safety Measures for Kids

BALTIMORE, Maryland (GlossyNews) — The Obama Administration, in another unprecedented exercise of governmental control, has ordered the Consumer Protection Agency to implement sweeping new safety codes to protect children in shopping carts. The strict new rules will carry the force…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Obama Imposes Shopping Cart Safety Measures for Kids
Posted in Entertainment

Miley Cyrus Posts Topless Photos

HOLLYWOODLAND, California (GlossyNews) — Tween idol Miley Cyrus has once again shocked and baffled her fans and detractors this morning by allowing even more shocking and revealing pictures to be posted to the internet. Some of the pictures are obviously…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Miley Cyrus Posts Topless Photos
Posted in Religionism

Catholic Church Finds Innocent Priest, Excommunicates Him

CASTRO STREET, San Fransisco, CA (GlossyNews) — The Catholic Church revealed Saturday morning that they had found one priest in Renton, Washington, whom, they say, has never committed any act of abuse or possibly any sin during his tenure as…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Catholic Church Finds Innocent Priest, Excommunicates Him
Posted in Serious Commentary

BP Solves the Catastrophe by Creating a Disaster

HOUSTON, Texas (GlossyNews) – 10,000 barrels of crude burning per day. In a move typical of the greed and gluttony of Big Oil, British Petroleum began to burn thousands of barrels of crude oil DAILY captured from the leak in…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! BP Solves the Catastrophe by Creating a Disaster
Posted in Technology Travel

Woman Sues Google After Attempting to Cross Street

Reno, NV (GlossyNews) — A Reno NV woman became the second person to sue Google because of an issue with Google Maps. Similar to an earlier action in Park City, UT, the woman, Eustancia Dumas is suing Google for poor…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Woman Sues Google After Attempting to Cross Street
Posted in Society

Gordon “Gordy” Chastain, Philanthropist, Inventor, Diplomat, Dead at Age 4

Biloxi, MS (GlossyNews) — Gordon P Chastain, better known to the world as “Gordy” Chastain has died before his time, at the age of four, due to complications from malnutrition and insufficient pediatric medical care. The child, who was to…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Gordon “Gordy” Chastain, Philanthropist, Inventor, Diplomat, Dead at Age 4
Posted in Politics

Gov Sanford to Leave GOP; No Longer a ‘Conservative’

Columbia, SC (GlossyNews) — Conservatives, led by newly divorced adulterer, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford (exR), whose marriage ended earlier this year after lying about his whereabouts and cheating on his wife, have lost their patience with the news media…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Gov Sanford to Leave GOP; No Longer a ‘Conservative’
Posted in Politics

Obama Fails to Appoint Deist to Supreme Court

Washington DC (GlossyNews) — President Obama, refusing to yield to the demands of Tea Party agitators, has once again failed to appoint a Deist to the Supreme Court. Obama has announced that he will nominate Elena Kagan to the court,…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Obama Fails to Appoint Deist to Supreme Court
Posted in Making Headlines

US to Observe Cinco De Mayo on May 10th This Year

WTF?! Click now to find out more! US to Observe Cinco De Mayo on May 10th This Year
Posted in News In Your Briefs

Status Update: Brian White Rejected from Harvard

[Ed Note: This story was originally run on Monday April 12, but we inadvertently left out all of the nouns.] Boston, Mass (GlossyNews) In sad and disappointing news this morning, Glossy News publisher Brian White was informed by officials at…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Status Update: Brian White Rejected from Harvard
Posted in Making Headlines

British Petroleum Celebrates Earth Day with Huge Oil Spill

WTF?! Click now to find out more! British Petroleum Celebrates Earth Day with Huge Oil Spill
Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos

Is the iPad Right-Sizing Technology (Again)?

Utah, Behind the Zion Curtain (GlossyNews) — The iPad sucks. Whew, there, I said it, let the games begin. The iPad – single tasking handheld tablet computer that has the ability to enter local area networks and the internet, along…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Is the iPad Right-Sizing Technology (Again)?
Posted in News In Your Briefs

Yoko Ono Admits She Also Broke Up the Partridge Family

San Pueblo, CA (GlossyNews) — In a recent interview with Glossy News, Yoko Ono admitted, finally, that she was responsible for the break up of The Beatles. In an interesting side note, Ono went on to say that she was…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Yoko Ono Admits She Also Broke Up the Partridge Family
Posted in Making Headlines

Jennifer Aniston Carrying David Cassidy’s Love Child

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Jennifer Aniston Carrying David Cassidy’s Love Child
Posted in News In Your Briefs

Charlie Sheen and Tiger Woods Head Back to Work

Charlie Sheen and Tiger Woods, who have been sharing a bachelor pad in Palm Beach, have announced that they are going back to work. Sheen said his main motivation was that he was going “stir crazy” spending 24 hours a…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Charlie Sheen and Tiger Woods Head Back to Work
Posted in War Zone

French Destroyer Surrenders to Somali Pirates

Paris (GlossyNews) — The French Ministry of Defense this morning announced that a French Navy destroyer, the FS Ouragan (Hurricane), surrendered to Somali pirates after a small outboard motor powered speed boat came alongside and fired a pistol towards the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! French Destroyer Surrenders to Somali Pirates
Posted in Society

Sarah Palin Wants to Lead the NAACP

Baltimore, MD (GlossyNews) — The Membership Council of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) announced this morning that they were reviewing an application for membership from Sarah Louise Palin. Only two hours later, Mrs Palin held…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Sarah Palin Wants to Lead the NAACP
Posted in Celebrity Gossip Entertainment

David Cassidy More Popular than Sarah Palin?

Chicago, IL (GlossyNews) — The Republican National Committee (RNC), in a move that now appears to have backfired, recently conducted a number of related polls designed to demonstrate the popularity of Sarah Palin. The RNC refuses to release the data…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! David Cassidy More Popular than Sarah Palin?
Posted in Sports Scandals Sportsfolk

Tiger Woods Converts to Mormonism, Declares 2nd Wife – Seeking More?

Salt Lake City, UT – Thurl Bailey step aside, the LDS Church will soon have a new spokesmodel. In a bizarre turn of events yesterday morning, LDS Church elders in Salt Lake City announced that Tiger Woods has decided to…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Tiger Woods Converts to Mormonism, Declares 2nd Wife – Seeking More?
Posted in Politics Strange People

Sarah Palin Proudly Earns GED — And Real, Not Honorary

Sandpoint, ID (GlossyNews) — Sarah Palin may not be smarter than an inner-city or deep-south fifth grader, but on Friday, she’ll earned something few 5th graders have — a high school diploma; well, a high school equivalency certificate, at any…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Sarah Palin Proudly Earns GED — And Real, Not Honorary
Posted in Science & Technologizzy

World’s First Pregnant Man Opts for Abortion

Berlin (GlossyNews) — The first man to be able to successfully conceive, carry and naturally deliver a child, announced today that he will have an abortion, four months in to his pregnancy. Abel Boustard, 27, from the small town of…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! World’s First Pregnant Man Opts for Abortion
Posted in Strange People

Thurmond Tried to Swap MLK Day for Stonewall Jackson Day

Legendary confederate statesman Strom Thurmond one time tried to trade away a holiday to celebrate the life of Civil Rights leader Dr. Martin Luther King Jr in exchange for a national day honoring Confederate General Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson, who was…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Thurmond Tried to Swap MLK Day for Stonewall Jackson Day
Posted in Politics

Gov Sanford Takes Leave After SC House Censure

Columbia, SC (GlossyNews) — Governor Mark Sanford was censured Wednesday for his inappropriate behavior and th disgrace, shame and dishonor he has brought to the Office of Governor of South Carolina during his sordid affair with an Argentine woman. Sanford…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Gov Sanford Takes Leave After SC House Censure
Posted in World News

European Union Won’t Honor Christmas Starting 2010

Brussells (GlossyNews) — According to a new policy mandated by an internal commission of the European Union, Christmas 2010, and every Christmas thereafter, will just be ‘another day’ on the calendar. A spokesperson for the Regional Policy Commission of the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! European Union Won’t Honor Christmas Starting 2010
Posted in Biz News

Branson, Virgin to Build Ski Resort in Florida

London (GlossyNews) — A spokesman for Richard Branson today announced the entrepreneur’s plans to build a world class ski resort in Florida to take advantage of the changing climate. Stanley Kidd, in a press conference in London laid out Branson’s…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Branson, Virgin to Build Ski Resort in Florida
Posted in Society

TSA Takes “Security” Out of Name

Washington DC (GlossyNews) — The US Transportation Security Administration today announced effective February 1, 2010, the Administration will take the word “Security” out of its title, becoming simply the US Transportation Administration. The official spokesman for the Administration, Roger ‘…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! TSA Takes “Security” Out of Name
Posted in Biz News

Congress Accidentally Gives South Dakota Back to Sioux

Washington DC (GlossyNews) — On Friday, in a late business wrap up, the US Congress gave back the state of South Dakota to the Oglala Sioux Tribe. Reports have surfaced that an obscure bill, which was suppose to cede a…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Congress Accidentally Gives South Dakota Back to Sioux
Posted in War Zone

It’s War: Tiny Countries Move Against the US

Meneng, Nauru, Micronesia (GlossyNews) — In breaking news this morning, the government of the sleepy Micronesian island nation of Nauru has joined with the tiny nations of Monaco and Vatican City in declaring a preemptive war on the United States….

WTF?! Click now to find out more! It’s War: Tiny Countries Move Against the US
Posted in World News

Gore Collects Internet Royalties to Stop Global Warming

Geneva, Switzerland (GlossyNews) — Albert A Gore, Nobel Prize Winner and one of the pioneers of the internet and the modern World Wide Web, announced today that as of March 1, 2010, he will begin to collect royalties for commercial…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Gore Collects Internet Royalties to Stop Global Warming
Posted in World News

Limbaugh Rushed to Hospital Drugs Not Mentioned

Honolulu, HI (GlossyNews) — Acerbic Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh was rushed to a Honolulu hospital this morning for what doctors say is an overload of ‘bile’. Limbaugh’s press spokesman Carson Cobain said he had little information. “Rush usually…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Limbaugh Rushed to Hospital Drugs Not Mentioned