Tag Archive | "sex"

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy!!! (3/3)

Phew! I’m worn out.

Or maybe just in a vaguely soporific state.

It was all fun and amusing to start with, but I think the novelty’s worn off.

Gets a bit samey after a while.

Still, I always like to honor my purely fleeting, voluntary and radically contingent contractual commitments to the international-satire-misreading-and-red-herring-web-comment-community. Read the full story


Posted in Making Headlines, ReligionismComments (0)

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy!!! (2/3)

OK, the sky hasn’t fallen in….


Just gotta keep going, I suppose.

Cosmic E-Cheek Ass Slicer

OK, this one is a little bit nastier, if also somewhat more fun…

And it’s only for the more experienced, intrepidly kinky fetish types. Read the full story


Posted in Making Headlines, ReligionismComments (0)

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy!!! (1/3)

Oof! Sorry for the mildly sensationalist headline. I never quite got over not getting to be a top reporter for the Galactical Enquirer.

Still, somewhat more crucially, I must inform you of the existential spiritual peril facing you and your family. Read the full story


Posted in Making Headlines, ReligionismComments (0)

Khameini Frustrated: Putin Still Friendzoning Ayatollah (2/2) (NSFW)

Unlike Khomeini-ite Fiqh, TULIP-flavor Calvinism, and other scientific and empirically rigorous political discourses, “nice guy” and “friendzoning” are ideological aberrations that are completely detached from reality.

Still, that didn’t stop Khameini giving it to us one last time:

I mean, there are so many jumpy, rowdy, jerk-off pricks who treat other guys really, really, REALLY badly! And Putin doesn’t mind THEM!

Read the full story


Posted in Politics, ReligionismComments (2)

Perry/Santorum: Top Papal Award, Christian Fakers Annihilated

Oh-so-conspicuously unashamed Christian, Rick Perry, is not actually painfully, embarrassingly, and conspicuously unashamed today; just plain-ol’-vanilla-grindin’ embarrassed.

Pope Francis has accidentally made Perry a Papal Knight, instead of the similarly-monikered Rick Santorum.

But far from being flattered, Perry is distinctly underwhelmed by this high accolade…

Just Google-pedia his (kind of) acceptance speech at the Vatican; the 13 dozen (-trillion-ish?) megahit Youtube postings, and thousands and thousands of thoroughly unamusing and utterly disrespectful and malicious web-parodies™… Read the full story


Posted in Celebrity Gossip, ReligionismComments (0)

Santorum’s Untimely September Crusade Against Wal-Mart

OK, I know the following article seems pretty anachronistic (in more ways than one, maybe).

Still, if politicians make “untimely interventions” in issues that are more safely consigned to a different part of the calendar, it’s not my fault.

Yes, it really isn’t my fault…

I mean, this is the objective media, and holding our hands up and taking responsibility is not really our bag. Read the full story


Posted in Politics, ReligionismComments (0)

New California Law Requires College Student to Have Written Consent Before Sex

A new California law requires that before engaging in any type of sexual encounter, college students must first sign a legal document to authorize the act or acts to take place and must be witnessed by at least one uninvolved party.

Supporters of the new law claim this will cut down or eliminate ‘date rape’ and spurious sexual assault claims. Opponents state that this will stop young people from engaging in sex entirely.

“My girl and I went out a couple of nights ago and we started French kissing”, said USC student Marty Levin. “But when we got back to my dorm room we had to fill out all this paperwork, find a witness then have the guy watch over us! By the time we were done with the paperwork neither of us was horny anymore!”

“There are more important things in life than being horny and having sex and orgasms”, said Santa Barbara Based Antioch University President Dr. Nancy Leper. “Go to college, establish yourselves with a career and find yourself a suitable spouse who you plan to remain with forever. Then, in order to produce offspring, you can think about having orgasms”.

College senior Sharon Stratalucci agrees with the new law. “I like sex but I don’t want to put his penis in my mouth! My agreement will stipulate no fellatio, no funny positions and plenty of breast sucking and cunnilingus. Wow! This makes me feel powerful!”

“I can deal with it”, said graduate student Jake Halper. “I have lots of documents in my car and a witness who will be there at a moments notice!”

UCLA Freshman Rob Rogers summed it up nicely. “This is so fucking stupid!”


Posted in PoliticsComments (0)

Study shows Men secretly Resent Women’s Phatness

Dateline: NEW YORK—Islamic states are infamous in the West for forcing women to wear burqas, since those outer garments obscure the shape of women’s bodies and are thus odious from a feminist standpoint. Defenders of the sexist laws typically resort to theological or moral rationales, none of which is found in the Quran.

But a team of researchers at NYU has published a study explaining the behaviour as the result of men’s surprising annoyance at women for being sexy and beautiful.
Read the full story


Posted in Religionism, ScienceComments (0)

Man Sues Porn Industry for making Sex Boring

Dateline: LOS ANGELES–Eduard Garbanzo, a plumber and avid consumer of internet pornography, is suing several top producers of porn for having made sex commonplace and boring.

“There’s too much nudity on the internet,” he protests. “They’ve saturated the market, those pornographers. I mean, how many times can you look at a naked person and still get aroused? How many giggling breasts and buttocks can you watch before you get tired of it all? Sooner or later, the whole thing just bores you to tears.”

Mr. Garbanzo is 27 and he grew up in an age when business on the internet began to boom, when pornography became no longer rare or hidden, but has been made available even to early teens at the touch of a few buttons. As Mr. Garbanzo says, “It used to be you’d have to sneak into the basement and root around for your father’s hidden stash of nudie magazines. And then you’d have to make do with the model that happened to be featured in those pages and with however she chose to pose herself.
Read the full story


Posted in Human Interest, Internets TubesComments (2)

Hardline Atheists Condemn Sleep and Sex as Irrational

Dateline: SPRINGFIELD, MI—Speaking jointly at a press conference after coming to a unanimous decision at this year’s Skepticon, held at Missouri State University, representatives of the New Atheist movement condemned sleep and sex for being irrational.

“Religious faith is clearly unreasonable,” said author Sam Harris, “but so are your unconscious dreams and so is your sex life. If we’re going to survive the coming technological advances, we’ve got to smarten up and cut all ties to our primitive ancestry. We’ve got to become posthuman.” Read the full story


Posted in ReligionismComments (0)

Bradley Manning To Be Transferred to All-Female Prison

Convicted military whistle-blower Bradley Manning, now known as Chelsea E. Manning, will be reprimanded to the all-female Federal Prison Camp in Alderson, WV to serve out his 35 year prison sentence, according to sentencing officials.

“Now that Manning claims he’s a woman we have no choice but to remand him to a prison that only houses women”, said Military Judge Richard “Dick” Koslowski.

Military officials said Manning will start receiving hormone treatments right away though it may be several years before he has his penis removed. Therefore, he will be living at the prison for a time as a woman trapped in a man’s body.

“I feel sorry for the guy”, said US General Joseph Dunford. “I couldn’t imagine what he must be going through!”

Others were not quite so sympathetic with Manning’s plight. Staff sergeant Bill Nichols said “This whole thing sounds screwy to me. I think the whole reason he wants to be a woman is so he can go to a woman’s prison and get laid by hot babes! Could you imagine being the only guy among 3000 horny women? Lock me up!”

The Alderson Prison Camp became a household name when TV personality Martha Stewart was housed there for five months in 2004. In addition to being the only male, Manning will enjoy swimming in the Olympic size pool, and participate in talent and game shows. He will also enjoy volleyball, tennis, basketball, racquetball, softball and go roller skating with the other female inmates.

Manning stated that, in addition to being female, he also wants to be a lesbian.


Posted in Top StoriesComments (0)

Area Grandma Thinks Googling is Sex Act

A local grandmother has become convinced that “the Google” is an amorous maneuver performed during the sexual act of “Googling.”

After watching a local news segment that profiled young couples who Googled each other after the first date, 74-year-old Gail Howerchuk became confident that to be “Googled” is to have had “the Google” performed on you by a “Googler,” and that the term she keeps hearing “thrown around by the youngins” refers to something having to do with “knick-knack patty-whack.” Read the full story


Posted in Internets Tubes, Strange PeopleComments (0)

School District Hires Adult Film Stars to Teach Sex Ed Classes

(Corry, PA) – In what will be known as one of the most progressive decisions in academic history, the members of the Corry Area School District of Erie County Pennsylvania have voted to allow adult film stars, Raven Gavina and Brock Lancer, to join their faculty and teach their sex education classes. Read the full story


Posted in EducationComments (0)

Dear Nick: The Practical Advice Column

I’ve grown disheartened with standard advice columns such as “Dear Abby” and “Ask Amy”. We are all long overdue for a practical advice column with some real-life answers. Here are a few questions and home-spun practical advice from the advice-master NickFun:

Dear Nick,

Our 12-year-old is invited to a school friend’s birthday sleepover. I’ve always had an uneasy feeling the parents don’t supervise their kids very well, and a mom I trust agrees I shouldn’t let my son attend. What do you suggest? And if I say no, how should I explain my decision to him? Sign, Concerned Parent.

Dear Concerned Parent,

The kid’s twelve! He’s not in diapers anymore! Maybe you supervise the kid too much! It’d be good for him to have some fun with his friends without his snoopy parents peeking in his room all the time. Sure, he might have a couple beers or smoke a dube but that’s part of growing up! Stop training him to be a wimp and let him have some fun!

Dear Nick,

My name is Tim and I am 16 years old. My girlfriend is also 16 and she’s trying to pressure me into having sex. I want to wait until I am married. What should I do? Signed Tim.

Dear Tim,

What are you? A homo? Take a look at those two gorgeous jugs! Don’t you want to have your hands on them? Stop jerking off and give her what she wants!


Posted in Opinon/Editorial, SocietyComments (0)

Men Admit the Number One Thing They Love in Women (comic)

We’ve all been there, maybe not quite this explicitly, but the sentiments still remain. The vast majority of men love women, all women, in ways they can’t describe… at least, not out loud.

Guys, we can pretend to be gentlemen all we want, but when the rubber meets the road, or whatever place it is that one’s rubber might meet, you have to learn that sometimes it’s okay to shut your damn pie hole. Read the full story


Posted in ComicsComments (0)

Feds to Renew Hunt For Jimmy Hoffa

After failing to find his body in a field in Oakland Township, MI, federal authorities announced today that they have found several other locations throughout the United States that may be hiding the body of former Teamsters Boss Jimmy Hoffa.

“We have had leads from a number of psychics, mob leaders and average citizens”, said former FBI agent John Anthony. “And we will leave no stone unturned until we find him!”

Anthony says he and his team will be searching a vacant lot in Ojai, CA, a cornfield in Iowa, a series of caves in New Brunswick and an apple orchard in New Hampshire.

“He’s probably not in the orchard but we’re going to check it anyway”, Anthony stated. “And if none of these places check out we do have a few more”.

Federal authorities and private citizens have spent $132 million looking for Hoffa’s body since 1975 to no avail. Much of the money has been spent on bribing mobsters, digging up fields and lawns, tearing down homes and interviewing possible witnesses. The remainder of the money is being used to keep FBI agents employed.

“We won’t stop until we’ve torn apart this entire country!” Anthony declared.


Posted in Crime, SocietyComments (0)

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