Tag Archive | "sex"

New California Law Requires College Student to Have Written Consent Before Sex


A new California law requires that before engaging in any type of sexual encounter, college students must first sign a legal document to authorize the act or acts to take place and must be witnessed by at least one uninvolved party.

Supporters of the new law claim this will cut down or eliminate ‘date rape’ and spurious sexual assault claims. Opponents state that this will stop young people from engaging in sex entirely.

“My girl and I went out a couple of nights ago and we started French kissing”, said USC student Marty Levin. “But when we got back to my dorm room we had to fill out all this paperwork, find a witness then have the guy watch over us! By the time we were done with the paperwork neither of us was horny anymore!”

“There are more important things in life than being horny and having sex and orgasms”, said Santa Barbara Based Antioch University President Dr. Nancy Leper. “Go to college, establish yourselves with a career and find yourself a suitable spouse who you plan to remain with forever. Then, in order to produce offspring, you can think about having orgasms”.

College senior Sharon Stratalucci agrees with the new law. “I like sex but I don’t want to put his penis in my mouth! My agreement will stipulate no fellatio, no funny positions and plenty of breast sucking and cunnilingus. Wow! This makes me feel powerful!”

“I can deal with it”, said graduate student Jake Halper. “I have lots of documents in my car and a witness who will be there at a moments notice!”

UCLA Freshman Rob Rogers summed it up nicely. “This is so fucking stupid!”

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Study shows Men secretly Resent Women’s Phatness


Dateline: NEW YORK—Islamic states are infamous in the West for forcing women to wear burqas, since those outer garments obscure the shape of women’s bodies and are thus odious from a feminist standpoint. Defenders of the sexist laws typically resort to theological or moral rationales, none of which is found in the Quran.

But a team of researchers at NYU has published a study explaining the behaviour as the result of men’s surprising annoyance at women for being sexy and beautiful.
Read the full story

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Posted in Religionism, ScienceComments (0)

Man Sues Porn Industry for making Sex Boring


Dateline: LOS ANGELES–Eduard Garbanzo, a plumber and avid consumer of internet pornography, is suing several top producers of porn for having made sex commonplace and boring.

“There’s too much nudity on the internet,” he protests. “They’ve saturated the market, those pornographers. I mean, how many times can you look at a naked person and still get aroused? How many giggling breasts and buttocks can you watch before you get tired of it all? Sooner or later, the whole thing just bores you to tears.”

Mr. Garbanzo is 27 and he grew up in an age when business on the internet began to boom, when pornography became no longer rare or hidden, but has been made available even to early teens at the touch of a few buttons. As Mr. Garbanzo says, “It used to be you’d have to sneak into the basement and root around for your father’s hidden stash of nudie magazines. And then you’d have to make do with the model that happened to be featured in those pages and with however she chose to pose herself.
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Posted in Human Interest, Internets TubesComments (2)

Hardline Atheists Condemn Sleep and Sex as Irrational


Dateline: SPRINGFIELD, MI—Speaking jointly at a press conference after coming to a unanimous decision at this year’s Skepticon, held at Missouri State University, representatives of the New Atheist movement condemned sleep and sex for being irrational.

“Religious faith is clearly unreasonable,” said author Sam Harris, “but so are your unconscious dreams and so is your sex life. If we’re going to survive the coming technological advances, we’ve got to smarten up and cut all ties to our primitive ancestry. We’ve got to become posthuman.” Read the full story

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Bradley Manning To Be Transferred to All-Female Prison


Convicted military whistle-blower Bradley Manning, now known as Chelsea E. Manning, will be reprimanded to the all-female Federal Prison Camp in Alderson, WV to serve out his 35 year prison sentence, according to sentencing officials.

“Now that Manning claims he’s a woman we have no choice but to remand him to a prison that only houses women”, said Military Judge Richard “Dick” Koslowski.

Military officials said Manning will start receiving hormone treatments right away though it may be several years before he has his penis removed. Therefore, he will be living at the prison for a time as a woman trapped in a man’s body.

“I feel sorry for the guy”, said US General Joseph Dunford. “I couldn’t imagine what he must be going through!”

Others were not quite so sympathetic with Manning’s plight. Staff sergeant Bill Nichols said “This whole thing sounds screwy to me. I think the whole reason he wants to be a woman is so he can go to a woman’s prison and get laid by hot babes! Could you imagine being the only guy among 3000 horny women? Lock me up!”

The Alderson Prison Camp became a household name when TV personality Martha Stewart was housed there for five months in 2004. In addition to being the only male, Manning will enjoy swimming in the Olympic size pool, and participate in talent and game shows. He will also enjoy volleyball, tennis, basketball, racquetball, softball and go roller skating with the other female inmates.

Manning stated that, in addition to being female, he also wants to be a lesbian.

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Area Grandma Thinks Googling is Sex Act


A local grandmother has become convinced that “the Google” is an amorous maneuver performed during the sexual act of “Googling.”

After watching a local news segment that profiled young couples who Googled each other after the first date, 74-year-old Gail Howerchuk became confident that to be “Googled” is to have had “the Google” performed on you by a “Googler,” and that the term she keeps hearing “thrown around by the youngins” refers to something having to do with “knick-knack patty-whack.” Read the full story

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Strange PeopleComments (0)

School District Hires Adult Film Stars to Teach Sex Ed Classes


(Corry, PA) – In what will be known as one of the most progressive decisions in academic history, the members of the Corry Area School District of Erie County Pennsylvania have voted to allow adult film stars, Raven Gavina and Brock Lancer, to join their faculty and teach their sex education classes. Read the full story

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Dear Nick: The Practical Advice Column


I’ve grown disheartened with standard advice columns such as “Dear Abby” and “Ask Amy”. We are all long overdue for a practical advice column with some real-life answers. Here are a few questions and home-spun practical advice from the advice-master NickFun:

Dear Nick,

Our 12-year-old is invited to a school friend’s birthday sleepover. I’ve always had an uneasy feeling the parents don’t supervise their kids very well, and a mom I trust agrees I shouldn’t let my son attend. What do you suggest? And if I say no, how should I explain my decision to him? Sign, Concerned Parent.

Dear Concerned Parent,

The kid’s twelve! He’s not in diapers anymore! Maybe you supervise the kid too much! It’d be good for him to have some fun with his friends without his snoopy parents peeking in his room all the time. Sure, he might have a couple beers or smoke a dube but that’s part of growing up! Stop training him to be a wimp and let him have some fun!

Dear Nick,

My name is Tim and I am 16 years old. My girlfriend is also 16 and she’s trying to pressure me into having sex. I want to wait until I am married. What should I do? Signed Tim.

Dear Tim,

What are you? A homo? Take a look at those two gorgeous jugs! Don’t you want to have your hands on them? Stop jerking off and give her what she wants!

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Posted in Opinion/Editorial, SocietyComments (0)

Men Admit the Number One Thing They Love in Women (comic)


We’ve all been there, maybe not quite this explicitly, but the sentiments still remain. The vast majority of men love women, all women, in ways they can’t describe… at least, not out loud.

Guys, we can pretend to be gentlemen all we want, but when the rubber meets the road, or whatever place it is that one’s rubber might meet, you have to learn that sometimes it’s okay to shut your damn pie hole. Read the full story

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Feds to Renew Hunt For Jimmy Hoffa


After failing to find his body in a field in Oakland Township, MI, federal authorities announced today that they have found several other locations throughout the United States that may be hiding the body of former Teamsters Boss Jimmy Hoffa.

“We have had leads from a number of psychics, mob leaders and average citizens”, said former FBI agent John Anthony. “And we will leave no stone unturned until we find him!”

Anthony says he and his team will be searching a vacant lot in Ojai, CA, a cornfield in Iowa, a series of caves in New Brunswick and an apple orchard in New Hampshire.

“He’s probably not in the orchard but we’re going to check it anyway”, Anthony stated. “And if none of these places check out we do have a few more”.

Federal authorities and private citizens have spent $132 million looking for Hoffa’s body since 1975 to no avail. Much of the money has been spent on bribing mobsters, digging up fields and lawns, tearing down homes and interviewing possible witnesses. The remainder of the money is being used to keep FBI agents employed.

“We won’t stop until we’ve torn apart this entire country!” Anthony declared.

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If you love her, put a threesome ring on it (comic)


Quick note before we get started… as sexy as these things may seem on the surface, they’re terribly disappointing, horribly divisive, and generally the end of your relationship.

Some guys haven’t learned that yet, which is the basis of today’s cartoon, so consume it accordingly. Read the full story

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Justin Bieber May Soon Start Using Heroin, Meth According to Experts


Experts examining a recent photo of Justin Bieber smoking marijuana fear that the youthful pop star may soon graduate to harder drugs such as heroin and methamphetamines.

“Pot is a gateway drug to harder substances”, said Los Angeles youth counselor Sister Mary Francis Hardon. “And it will make him want to have sex! Can you imagine that young man having sex with all those disgusting, youthful girls who shove their breasts and vaginas into his face! It’s appalling!” Read the full story

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, EntertainmentComments (4)

Supreme Court Nullifies First Amendment


The United States Supreme Court unanimously declared today that the First Amendment to the Bill of Rights is to be nullified as it no longer has any meaning in today’s society.

The First Amendment reads: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Glover Roberts, Jr stated, “the first amendment was relevant for 200 years but today with technology and terrorism it needs to be laid aside”.

Roberts stated that The United States is a Christian country and from now on other religions and philosophies will no longer be tolerated.

“You can still have freedom of religion so long as it’s a Christian religion”, Roberts stated.

“Freedom of speech is fine so long as you don’t say anything un-American or anything that will upset anyone or piss anyone off”, he continued.

Roberts pointed out that the press and media publications took too much advantage of their freedom and they will now have to be stifled. “We now have reporters who hide their sources, slanderous articles written about our government and military, celebrities who show off their breasts and vaginal areas and a host of things being printed in the name of ‘free speech’ that have no place in a free country. And you must reveal your sources. Otherwise we will send you to prison!”.

“As far as peacefully assembling, forget it,” Roberts determined. “Police will now ask people to move along or go to jail!”

Roberts said ‘petitioning’ is no longer needed. “We don’t need people putting things on the ballot. That’s why we have a legislature. And I’m sick of petitioners at grocery stores asking me to sign to legalize marijuana or legalize public urination or some other silly thing!”

Roberts said petitioners will still be allowed to petition but will no longer be allowed to do so in public places, on federal or state land or in private. Some universities, such as Los Angeles Pierce College, have established small ‘free speech zones’ though the new ruling will even shut those down.

The justices will decide which of the remaining 9 amendments to the Bill of Rights will also be nullified.

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10 Signs That You’re In a Long-Term Relationship


1. You finish each other’s sentences… because you can’t stand the sound of the other person’s voice.

2. You have wild, passionate sex all night long. Then you wake up.

3. Whenever you miss each other, you just pick up another dish and try again.

4. Those words “until death do us part” sound more and more enticing. Read the full story

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Posted in Human InterestComments (1)

Obama Finally Apologizes For Recent Secret Service Hooker Scandal


Washington, DC – (SatireWorld.com)

After apologizing for just about everything else, President Obama took a few minutes to address the lingering concerns over an apparent lapse in the secret service security detail that ended his recent Columbia trip in a prostitute scandal.

Adressing an invited group of the mainstream media to the press room at the White House Obama was in the middle of his lenghty explanation when he was interrupted by none other then former president Bill Clinton who heard about the apology and hoped his support would help the beleagured president. Read the full story

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Formicophilia on the Rise as a Rush of Immigrants Flood the UK


London – (SatireWorld.com)

Moogoto Obottu says he doesn’t miss Uganda any longer, especially the daily threats of violence and a life filled with occasional chaos. Today, Obuttu gets up every morning and drives his new S-series Mercedes Benz to his custodial job at the Entomology Center at Norwich Pharmaceuitical Company in NW London, where he cleans laboratories and keeps the floors highly waxed. Read the full story

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Posted in SocietyComments (1)

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