Yob Fined for Getting Cat Stoned on Ganja
A teenage yob who was filmed on a mobile phone forcing a neighbour’s terrified tomcat to inhale cannabis while captive in a clear plastic laundry bag – before swinging it round his head like a Gaucho’s bolas – was slapped…
Yob Artificial Brain Prototype Test OK
A detailed functional artificial human brain will be available on the National Health Service within the next year – if we don’t all die of Sneezy Pig virus this autumn – or the effects of the toxic anti-flu vaccine –…
Garbage Men: (Cost) Effective Substitute for Teachers
Thousands of untrained staff – including night club bouncers, postmen, driving instructors and even binmen – are being used as “cheap labour” to cover for absent teachers according to a report leaked by disaffected snitches at the Ministry of Education.
Killer Biscuits Banned in EU Coffee Shops
The latest piece of asinine legislature to emerge from the EU’s Ministry for Wasting Time and Money in Brussels involves HSE risk assessments for every possible human function and endeavour – from brewing a cup of tea or coffee to…
Bad Times: Cory’s Curse Kicks in Big Time
Former Republic of the Philistines leader Cory Aquino, Asia’s first female president, died a couple of weeks ago at the age of 176. Aquino had been afflicted with a chronic case of ‘holier-than-thou’ syndrome for decades and been further suffering…
Study Finds Courier Pigeon Out-Performs BT Broadband
BT’s wholly exaggerated 8 Mb/s broadband service promised to unite the world with super-fast data delivery – but across Britain it seems their web connection speed is markedly slower than a humble carrier pigeon.
Pensioner Crushed Under Pile of Old Tat
The body of an elderly shopaholic was found underneath piles of cut price car boot sales tat, chrome-plated bric-a-brac and other similar cheap materialistic crap and bling items – which crushed her to death, an inquest heard today at a…
Palin to Cook eBay Auction $63.5K Fundraiser Dinner
WASILLA, ALASKA — A woman defense contractor in Huntsville, Ala., won the “Dangerous” Dining with Sarah Palin eBay auction — her bid was $63,500. Auction details only allow the winning bidder to bring three friends to the dinner. Palin’s spokeswoman…
Ask Hank: Best Man Blues
Dear Hank, I just got snubbed for the “Best Man” spot in my best friend’s wedding. He promised it to me years ago, and then when he got engaged I reminded him I had the job. He laughed it off,…
Roman Polanski Granted Amnesty for Genius, Survival
Roman Polanski, acclaimed film director, holocaust survivor, and unfortunate lover of an underage girl was granted international amnesty by the United Nations Friday morning. Decades of brilliant films once religated to languish the waste-lands of B-movie europe can once again…