Yob Fined for Getting Cat Stoned on Ganja

A teenage yob who was filmed on a mobile phone forcing a neighbour’s terrified tomcat to inhale cannabis while captive in a clear plastic laundry bag – before swinging it round his head like a Gaucho’s bolas – was slapped with an Asbo to stay away from animals for 10 years today.

The unemployed 17-year old Ghengis McScrunt – a career welfare benefits scrounger currently studying for his NVQ1 in Social Stupidity – was further handed a £10 fine and a three month jail sentence, suspended for two years, for supplying a Class B drug to a domestic pet by the Smegmadale-on-Sea Magistrates Court.

The forced ganja inhalation – described by the prosecution as “not a very nice thing to do to Tiddles” – was carried out in his Mum’s Scumborough Council Estate home’s back garden and filmed on his mobile phone – then later uncovered by police investigating another matter concerning McScrunt’s involvement in getting a sheep stoned on crack prior to a perverted zoophilia dogging session with the zonked-out ovine woolyback by a gang of his pissed-up mates following an Old Headbanger lager boozing session.

On the short video clip McScrunt’s voice could be heard, in between bellows of raucous laughter, shouting: “The moggie’s stoned outa its effin’ head!”

The spaced-out cat was then pulled out of the bag and deliberately tossed over the hedge into a bordering garden where a savage and rabid Pit Bull terrier was on the prowl.

The mobile phone footage shows the cat looking cross-eyed at the dog then launching itself into attack mode and ripping out the startled canine’s throat before exiting stage left through the hedgerows at a speed normally only achieved by guided missiles.

Fellatia van der Gobble, prosecuting for the RSPCA, told the court “Putting poor Tiddles in a draw-string plastic laundry bag and then blowing cannabis smoke into it is very naughty – however this is not a first offence for young Mister McScrunt.”

“He has a past history of Timothy Leary type experiments with animals and narcotic drugs starting with doping up his sister’s pet goldfish by putting their mother’s Valium in the bowl’s water.”

“This was quite a minor offence compared to adding marijuana seeds to his Granny’s pet parrot’s food – since which the poor bird has been suffering acute attacks of paranoia and shouting “I ain’t see Shergar!”

Ms. van der Gobble continued : “Last year McScrunt was given a police caution after he fed his father’s Viagra tablets to a male pygmy goat at the local kiddie’s petting zoo – after which the animal went into a drug-fired sexual frenzy and buggered a pot-bellied pig, a pair of Alpacas and a flock of geese – which traumatised several of the younger visitors who were heard exclaoimg ‘Mummy Mummy – what’s Billy the Goat doing to Goosey Gander?”

Speaking to a reporter from Stoned magazine, police Inspector Jack Fuctifino confided that McScrunt had boasted to his mates of an ambition to reach the lofty criminal heights of Public Enemy Number One but had so far only achieved the rank of Public Nuisance Number Seven on the police files and – while being a total twat – was still a long way off claiming the title of local Anti-Christ.

Would you like to be stuck in a plastic bag and forced to smoke ganja? (of course – wouldn’t we all) Have you seen any sign of poor Tiddles recently? Who actually let the cat out of the bag? Do you get sexually aroused when visiting petting zoos?

Send us your comments using the online form below and we’ll send you a link to the YouTube phone footage of Tiddles snuffing the Pit Bull terrier.

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via TheSatireStall.Blogspot.com