Weekly Political Wrap Up Includes Syria’s Lack of Legitimacy

On Monday, President Barack Obama called for a big deficit reduction package to go along with raising the debt ceiling, saying to a reluctant Congress that “it’s time to pull off the band-aid. Eat our peas.”  Authorities are investigating why Congress is so battered and malnourished. Read more Weekly Political Wrap Up Includes Syria’s Lack of Legitimacy

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Sweden says Don’t say Boy

Sweden’s Director of Pre-school Schools announced this week a revolutionary new program for Americans to laugh at. Dr. Sven Frrrdegard spoke to reporters at Stockholm’s Ministry for Education.

“As the world’s only industrialized nation not headed for bankruptcy, we Swedes are keenly aware of our leadership responsibilities. We will not shirk our duty when it falls upon us to address humanity’s most pressing problem; gender stereotyping.” Read more Sweden says Don’t say Boy

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Feds Considering Stricter Warnings on Booze Bottles

After 25 years of successful lobbying against warning label reform, Big Tobacco suffered a major defeat this week when the FDA announced that starting in 2012 cigarettes would sport new graphic labels depicting charred lungs and dead bodies warning of the dangers of smoking. The labels would also include written warnings such as “Smoking causes cancer,” “Cigarettes lead to an early death,” and “Using Tobacco products will make you frequently poop.” Read more Feds Considering Stricter Warnings on Booze Bottles

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Geithner Quits in Preparation for Jersey Shore

Under heavy pressure, mainly from the freshman Tea Party Representatives, Timothy Geithner admitted that while his August 2nd deadline for raising the debt ceiling was not arbitrary, it was hardly fiscally driven.

Geithner acknowledged that after August 2nd, his full attention would turn to preparing for the Jersey Shore Season 4 premier and did not want to have to be “doing math and nerdy shit while Pauly D crushes pussy.” Geithner, a known MTV afficionado, has spent the past 2 years developing an elaborate, 48-hour ritual to ready himself for the premier. Luckily he has given us exclusive access of his schedule to. Read more Geithner Quits in Preparation for Jersey Shore

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DSK in Desperate Need of New Housekeeper

Embattled ex-chief of the IMF Dominique Strauss-Kahn continues to defend himself against mounting sexual assault allegations.  While Americans are quick to mark Strauss-Kahn as guilty, his compatriots have not adopted a similar view with 57% of France reporting they believe he was set up by political rivals in a recent opinion poll. Read more DSK in Desperate Need of New Housekeeper

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Bachmann Blasts Wikipedia; Google for Causing Slow Recovery

In a series of speeches the newly announced presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann blasted popular websites such as Google and Wikipedia for causing the slow economic recovery as pawns in President Obama’s grand plan for “turning our country into a nation of slaves.” Read more Bachmann Blasts Wikipedia; Google for Causing Slow Recovery

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