Study Finds Courier Pigeon Out-Performs BT Broadband

BT’s wholly exaggerated 8 Mb/s broadband service promised to unite the world with super-fast data delivery – but across Britain it seems their web connection speed is markedly slower than a humble carrier pigeon.

A Smegmadale IT company pitted an 11-month-old homing pigeon with a 4 gigabyte memory stick taped to its leg against the pathetic broadband service from the country’s biggest internet supplier and their boasted ‘up to 8Mb/s’ download speed.

Polly the pigeon took three hours to carry the data 200-plus miles from London to manky Manchester – in the same time BT’s absurd Broadband service had sent 14% of the data.

The idea for the race came when a wag at the London-based Scumtech Innovations IT company plant complained about the speed of data transmission on BT’s Broadband – which promises up to 8 megabytes per second internet connection speed but provides – at best – less than 25% of what it not only boasts but also charges for.

The wag in question – Jacko McTwat – claimed it would be faster transmitting the data by carrier pigeon.

However BT informed a reporter from the Ripoffs Gazette that it was not responsible for the firm’s slow internet speeds – stating the promised 8 Mb/s only worked if you were in ‘range’ of a local telephone exchange – which critics claim translates as being next door – if then.

Scumtech’s McTwat told Fux News “We pride ourselves on being innovative here in all aspects of the communications industry, so decided to test my mocking statement in a real time demonstration.”

Scumtech set up a Polly the Pigeon website to publicize and monitor the race and brought in Ofcom adjudicators to ensure there were strict rules in place to ensure Polly – or BT – had no unfair advantage – with tens of thousands of techies and nerds following the run-up to the race on the Twitter and Facebook social networking sites.

The week prior to the race the UK’s High Street Shit-or-Bust bookies were giving 20-1 odds against BT even completing the race within the allotted four hour timespan – never mind actually winning the challenge.

On the ‘crack’ of the Ofcom umpire’s starting pistol Polly was released from one of Scumtech’s top floor windows and took to the wing – heading for their Manchester offices with a memory stick loaded with 4 gigabytes of data – while at the same instant Jacko McTwat hit the send button on his pc to transmit a 4 Gb cache of identical data to an Ofcom rep’ sat at a reciprocal pc in their Manchester offices.

While Polly had been screened for 24 hours prior to the race to be certain she wasn’t fed any amphetamine-laced ‘performance-enhancing seeds’ so too was BT’s broadband monitored by ‘Speedcheck’ from the start of the race to make sure it wasn’t artificially ‘boosted’ above its normal 0.35 Mb/s

The official Ofcom record shows that Polly took two hours and forty-eight minutes to fly between the London and Manchester offices – plus an added ten minutes to coax her inside and retrieve the memory stick due her being harassed by a prowling ginger minger tomcat – which unfortunately plummeted fifteen floors onto the pavement below after being twatted with a telephone directory.

Total time for Scumtech’s pigeon post e-data delivery onto hard drive : just under three hours – while BT Broadband had only managed to deliver 14% of the identical data package in the same time period.

University students across the UK who consider themselves cheated by BT’s dodgy 8 Mb/s Duckegg-band deal now plan to further humiliate the BT monopoly with similar contests by fielding a tortoise with a data stick taped to its shell – and a wheelchair-bound disabled pensioner carrying a CD of data in the cleft of a forked stick – against the BT service.

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via