Bad Times: Cory’s Curse Kicks in Big Time

Former Republic of the Philistines leader Cory Aquino, Asia’s first female president, died a couple of weeks ago at the age of 176.

Aquino had been afflicted with a chronic case of ‘holier-than-thou’ syndrome for decades and been further suffering from galloping bowel rot for more than a year – then recently refused further treatment, declaring to the media she was putting faith and trust in a Divine Power and leaving her fate to God – following which she promptly died.

However just after a priest administered last rites she made, with her dying breath, a totally out of character pronouncement that – to quote “I may be going to meet my Maker but first I lay a curse all those Marcos scumbags who were involved in Ninoy’s murder – fuck the lot of them and may they all burn in Hell” – then promptly popped her clogs and went off to join the Choir Invisible.

Ninoy was Cory Aquino’s politician husband, imprisoned by the Marcos dictatorship following the declaration of martial law in 1972.

He was eventually released and allowed to travel to the US for heart surgery, where he lived in exile until 1983 when he decided, in a moment of asinine obstinacy, to stick his neck out and return to the Philippines to run as a presidential candidate in the forthcoming elections.

Ninoy was gunned down by Marcos’ Avsecom henchmen while being escorted from his incoming flight at Manila Airport and the murder blamed on a Communist NPA patsy named Lee Harvey Galman – whose previously-snuffed inert body was then tossed out of the back of a Ryder truck onto the tarmac and peppered with automatic gunfire.

His wife Cory, a political novice, sought justice for her husband but the actual perpetrators were initially acquitted by the Marcos-controlled – hence corrupted – investigative Agrava Commission.

Nevertheless Cory soldiered on, becoming known to Laban party political supporters as the Lady in Yellow – and conversely to Marcos loyalists as that ‘Do-gooder cunt Cory’ – then stood in opposition against Marcos for the Presidency in the tumultuous snap elections of 1986 – and – against all odds to the contrary – won the day – regardless of ballot box thefts, vote-rigging and government attempts to implement massive Comelec vote-counting fraud.

She eventually teamed up with the Monty Pythonesque-named Manila Catholic prelate ‘Cardinal Sin’, who between them mustered the forces of light on to Edsa to defend the rebel military RAM boys and defy the dictatorial rule of evil emperor Fred Marcos and his bloated kleptomaniac wife Imelda – and forced them to flee the country in what became known as the People’s Power Edsa Revolution.

However Cory only remained in office for a single term due widespread comparative criticisms between her administration and that of the previous Marcos dynasty which stated quite candidly “Ali Baba might have fled to Hawaii but the Forty Thieves were still around.”

This was a direct reference to her personal Cojuangco and Aquino families’ corrupt political practices and influence peddling.

Nevertheless, once invested as President of the Republic in 1986 Aquino ordered a retrial of her husband’s assassins, with the actual murderers finally being convicted of their crime and sentenced to ‘reclusion perpetua’ in 1990 while the ‘masterminds’ – if such an elitist term may be applied to so bungling a schoolboy plot and the clots who organised it – got off Scot free – until now.

Since Cory’s passing and her dying curse becoming public knowledge, speculation is rife that the little Widow in Yellow now sits at the right hand of God – or on the left if He’s busy eating lunch or signing edicts and Holy decrees – and points her fickle finger of vengeful retribution at the parties guilty of planning to snuff Ninoy – and too their progeny.

In a nation force-fed Catholic dogma and fanciful superstitions since the mid-1500’s, rumours naturally abound that Cory’s curse has kick started a sequence of celestial extra-judicial events to equal the storyline plot of the Final Destination horror movie series – with the usual suspects falling foul of the Grim Reaper in domino fashion.

On the day of Cory’s funeral career refitist Imelda Marcos was squashed and actually burst when the shelving in one of her walk-in closets displaying several thousand pairs of her designer size 44 shoes collapsed on top of her.

That night Marcos son Gerald MacBoing-Boing was burned to ashes in what arson investigators claim might be a case of spontaneous combustion after his wallet caught fire.

Eldest Marcos daughter Imee dropped dead the next day during a bout of sneezing which caused her diminutive brain to exit her nostrils like a swathe of watery fectal snot – and thus proved her nickname of ‘shit-for-brains’ was accurate.

Marcos crony and dodgy ex-Defence Minister Juan Ponce Enrile yesterday defied the known and established laws of physics by disappearing up – or down – his own arsehole while taking a crap.

Aquino’s estranged cousin – and main suspect behind Ninoy’s murder – arch-scumbag Danding Cojuangco this morning choked to death on a communion wafer while attending Mass.

So, as the day’s tick by, are the surviving members of Marcos’ Rolex 12 clique and the Avsecom murder gang – and other guilty parties known only to both Divine and Demonic powers – looking over their shoulders with tremulous apprehension – waiting for Cory’s ‘Drag me to Hell’ curse to kick in? We hope so.

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via