Roman Polanski, acclaimed film director, holocaust survivor, and unfortunate lover of an underage girl was granted international amnesty by the United Nations Friday morning. Decades of brilliant films once religated to languish the waste-lands of B-movie europe can once again be bastardized by the big budgets of the very big screen.
Roman Polanski earned director acclaim in the 60s with his classics Repulsion (1965) and Rosemary’s Baby (1968) but became a wanted man in the United States after pleading guilty to sexual misconduct with a minor in 1977. Since then his career has faltered heavily, but not heavily enough to keep masterpieces such as Bitter Moon, The Ninth Gate, and The Pianist from becoming reality.
His life of peppered tragedy has been punctuated with the loss of his mother in the Auschwitz death camp, the murder of four friends and his pregnant wife, Sharon Tate, in his home to the hands of the Manson tribe. Those responsible for the murder of his friends, wife and unborn child became eligible for parole effective in 1972, yet he was left to fugitive status.
When the ruling facade known as the United Nations accepted the motion to grant amnesty towards Polanski, representatives from France, Germany, the Netherlands and all other nations except for the US and Vatican City welcomed the idea. Nation representatives commented, “What’s the big deal?”, “That’s not illegal here”, “She’s not even that young” and, “Hasn’t he already been through enough between the holocaust and a 25-year exile? He’s only wanted in California anyway.”
The Vatican’s representative offered only that “Premarital sex should always be punished with jail time,” while the US representative stated, “We already charged him with the crime. Just because no one else in the 80-member UN will let us extradite him doesn’t mean he’s not a filthy, dirty, immoral, amoral debaucherist.” The representative (who wished to remain nameless) further added that “regardless of the worldwide amnesty he’s still be a hunted criminal in the US, even in Utah.”
While the events that transpired are sad what is more sad is that this article is a total fabrication…Well, except for the part about the Vatican being in the UN, that would be just about the only thing that would make them less credible.
This article originally ran on GlossyNews on June 19th, 2004