Roman Polanski Granted Amnesty for Genius, Survival

Roman Polanski, acclaimed film director, holocaust survivor, and unfortunate lover of an underage girl was granted international amnesty by the United Nations Friday morning. Decades of brilliant films once religated to languish the waste-lands of B-movie europe can once again be bastardized by the big budgets of the very big screen.

Roman Polanski earned director acclaim in the 60s with his classics Repulsion (1965) and Rosemary’s Baby (1968) but became a wanted man in the United States after pleading guilty to sexual misconduct with a minor in 1977. Since then his career has faltered heavily, but not heavily enough to keep masterpieces such as Bitter Moon, The Ninth Gate, and The Pianist from becoming reality.

His life of peppered tragedy has been punctuated with the loss of his mother in the Auschwitz death camp, the murder of four friends and his pregnant wife, Sharon Tate, in his home to the hands of the Manson tribe. Those responsible for the murder of his friends, wife and unborn child became eligible for parole effective in 1972, yet he was left to fugitive status.

When the ruling facade known as the United Nations accepted the motion to grant amnesty towards Polanski, representatives from France, Germany, the Netherlands and all other nations except for the US and Vatican City welcomed the idea. Nation representatives commented, “What’s the big deal?”, “That’s not illegal here”, “She’s not even that young” and, “Hasn’t he already been through enough between the holocaust and a 25-year exile? He’s only wanted in California anyway.”

The Vatican’s representative offered only that “Premarital sex should always be punished with jail time,” while the US representative stated, “We already charged him with the crime. Just because no one else in the 80-member UN will let us extradite him doesn’t mean he’s not a filthy, dirty, immoral, amoral debaucherist.” The representative (who wished to remain nameless) further added that “regardless of the worldwide amnesty he’s still be a hunted criminal in the US, even in Utah.”

While the events that transpired are sad what is more sad is that this article is a total fabrication…Well, except for the part about the Vatican being in the UN, that would be just about the only thing that would make them less credible.

This article originally ran on GlossyNews on June 19th, 2004

Author: Brian K. White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

1 thought on “Roman Polanski Granted Amnesty for Genius, Survival

  1. Manson follower Susan Atkins who had killed Roman Polanski’s wife, Sharon Tate died a couple of days ago and now this announced arrest of Roman Polanski.

    What I can’t understand is, how did Polanski manage to evade the law all these years with the so called technology of cameras and GPS, etc. There is just NO way that one can hide from the law with all of technology that is out there.

    Something is just screwy here. I think the authorities DID know where he was hiding all these years. And one has to question as to why did they decide to arrest him NOW and not arrest him from years ago? Not to mention that this is going to cost taxpayers money for a trial that will drag on for years.

    This is another example of how there is no such thing as “justice” in the justice system in the USA. Criminals go free while the innocent and victims get sent to prison.

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