Ask Hank: Best Man Blues

Dear Hank,
I just got snubbed for the “Best Man” spot in my best friend’s wedding. He promised it to me years ago, and then when he got engaged I reminded him I had the job. He laughed it off, but agreed.

When I sent him an email asking who I should invite to the bachelor party, and how many tranny midgets he wanted, he invited me to his wedding, obviously not wanting to admit he chose someone else as his best man.

I’ll still go to his wedding, you know, so I can hit on the sobbing bride’s maids, but how should I deal with this? Am I not a good enough man? Should I sleep with his fiance to stop the wedding? What should I do?

Baffled in (a) Buffalo

Dear Baffled:

Is that you Tommy? Baffled in Buffalo, my ass. More like, Trashed in Twin Falls…Man, I told you not to drink all that tequila the other night. Buck and I told you why you can’t be the best man. Margie wants her hairdresser to be the best man because he’s the only one who would agree to wear a lavender tuxedo to match the bridesmaids dresses. And even if you agreed to wear the lavender tux, you couldn’t be best man now because Margie found out about the bachelor party plans, and about you dragging Buck to Damien’s Den out on Route 57 last week to find those tranny midgets.

You almost broke up Buck and Margie. And just so you know, sleeping with Margie isn’t all it’s cracked up to be; you’d probably only be hurting yourself. So what should you do? My advice is: sleep with Margie’s mom. She’s way hotter.


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Author: Anderson Pooper

read more of my articles at My talents are also available for birthday parties, camper/RV shows, and Sunday drives. I am an avid Fresh Prince fan but don't agree with Uncle Phil's authoritarian parenting style. My favorite color is orange and my favorite shape is the hexagon.