Top Glossy News February Stories Announced… Doozies Included

Well, it’s been a crazy month, and traffic has been higher than it has in at least a year, so here are the winners… and yes, there are some surprises in the mix.

The first surprise is that reigning champ, P. Beckert, opted out of the contest for February, leaving her very well read shoes to be filled and rewarded to other writers… Sure, those metaphors are overly mixed, but it doesn’t change the facts.


The three articles about Stephanie from Lazytown were once again the top three stories on the site, but strangely, despite their age (or hers) this month they made up an unusually high percentage of overall traffic.

There are more stories like this out there. We just have to find out what they are and tap into them. Yours could be the next perennial to blossom endlessly. We had Olsen Twins stories that ranked in the top-5 for years until they finally grew sufficiently haggard.

February winners, please post your acceptance speeches below.

Top Articles of February, 2014

#5 Strange Hieroglyphics Found on Russian Meteorite by P. Beckert. She has opted-out of the contest for the month to allow room for other writers, so our congratulations and thanks to P. Beckert.

#4 Michael Jackson, Whitney Housten, Reportedly Still Dead by Bee. This was actually a top-ranked story from last month, but despite running over a month ago, it had the staying power. No prize for fourth, but please know that your story is fun and appreciated.

#3 Duck Dynasty’s Uncle Si Fires Assistant Over Clean Tea Cup by P. Beckert. P-Beck strikes again. Good thing she opted out of the contest, because this would be an easy Judge’s Choice award.

#2 Pirates Found With Dead Navy Seals on Maersk Alabama by DeepTrout. Coming in a close second is DeepTrout, and well done.

But the undisputed winner of the month, with nothing but a few archive stories out-ranking her, is one of the longest running authors on the site…

#1 Pope Francis Objects to Notre Dame Stadium Overhaul by Jenny Corvette. Congrats to Jenny Corvette, and your cash prize will be along shortly.

Stories Ranked 6th through 9th

Special thanks to the next handful of stories:

#6 – In Duel With The NRA And LaPierre Obama Loses by rfreed.

#7 – Judge Rejects 17-Year-Old Drunk Driver Affluenza Defense by NickFun.

#8 – Creation Museum Sets Stupidly Low Bar w/ Non-Floating Ark by Brian K. White.

Who are the winners?

Top prize goes to Jenny Corvette. No two ways about it. None of the excluded authors (Brian K. White, Dexter Sinistri or P. Beckert) beat her story, despite valiant efforts.

But there remains the matter of $100 in Judge’s Choice awards.

$40 to DeepTrout for regular, great stories, and ample comments to keep the conversation going. Much appreciated.

$35 to Benjamin Cain, though not the most frequent contributor, what you submit is good and your comments are likewise enjoyed.

$25 to NickFun, who is likewise no stranger to Glossy News victory. Solid stories.

The contest begins again

So seriously, let’s do this.


6 comments on “Top Glossy News February Stories Announced… Doozies Included

  1. Appreciated Brian. I would like to donate present and future awards to the Alzheimer’s Association if that is possible.

  2. Thanks very much for the prize, Brian. I’ve had to cut back a bit on my satire, because I’m making YouTube videos. But the absurdity of the US Republican reaction to the Ukraine conflict has re-inspired me. Too bad satirists need the world to be screwed up to inspire their best comedy.

  3. I'd like to thank my audience, those millions of readers whose clicks have bestowed upon me this magnificent honor. I'd also like to thank God, not only for creating me but also for instilling in me a stylized wit and sharp pen to go with my stunning personality and limitless humility. I'd also like to thank Michelob Lite. Without it, I might have never been conceived in the back of a '71 Eldorado on a hot Michigan summer night many years ago.

    And last but not least, I'd like to thank the University of Notre Dame, whose hypocrisy in religion and national politics makes them the easy butt of so many jokes. Go Irish!

    Oh, and I'd also like to thank Red Lobster. only because I really like Red Lobster.

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