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Canadians urge Ukrainians to seek Peace through Dullness

Canadians urge Ukrainians to seek Peace through Dullness

Backed by a majority of Canadians, the Canadian government has passed a resolution urging Ukrainians to stop fighting and to handle their internal conflict by being more boring like the Canadians.

Ukraine is split between ethnic Russians in the eastern part of the country and pro-European, ethnic-Ukrainians in the west. Likewise, Canada is split between Catholic, French-speaking Quebecers, left-wingers in Ontario and British Columbia, and conservatives in the prairies.

But Canadians have learned to settle their disagreements peacefully, by not caring much about them or about anything at all.

“The key to world peace is to be boring,” said Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper. “I mean, dreadfully dull. You want to have a reputation for being so boring that you literally put people to sleep wherever you go.

“In the middle of one of our Parliamentary debates, for example, the politicians stopped talking and we all just fell asleep in our chairs. For the life of me I can’t remember the issues we were debating because they were so tedious and minor league. That’s a sign that Canadians are on the right track, you see. If the microtargeting of our constituents bores even the politicians to tears, if there are no big, interesting issues on our horizon, you can be sure there will be no significant conflict between Canadians.

“Or take my Lego hairstyle, for example. Have you ever seen something blander? I’m signaling to the world how dull and inoffensive I am. My hair looks like it was made in a mold for mass-produced, oversized plastic toys. I’m not going to rock the boat or say anything interesting to get people’s attention. See? Not one hair out of place, not one wayward curl hanging over my forehead.

“My hair is symbolic of how boring Canadians are. But that’s how we get the job done, by golly! There’s hardly any violence in our country. Do you know how that happens? It’s because in the last several decades, we haven’t cared enough about anything to fight for it.

“And that’s what we’re telling the people of Ukraine: stop caring so much about Europe or Russia. Be more boring and you’ll get along just fine.”

Asked whether they plan to take Canada’s advice, a representative sample of both pro-European and pro-Russian Ukrainians said they have no idea what that advice is, because they never pay any attention to Canada—what with Canada being so uninteresting.

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This post was written by

- who has written 38 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Ben Cain is a misanthropic omega male who likes to think that the more you suffer, the funnier you can be, and the more of an alienated loser you are, the more you can withstand coming face to face with the horrors of reality. He dedicated himself to discovering whether suffering has a meaning and so he earned a meaningless Ph.D. in analytic philosophy. He shares his findings by writing philosophical rants on his blog, Rants within the Undead God, and he's published a novel, called God Decays, which is available on Amazon. Also, he's pretentiously written this bio in the third person even though he rarely partakes of such conventional trickery.

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5 Responses to “Canadians urge Ukrainians to seek Peace through Dullness”

  1. Mad Max says:

    Deja Vu all over again or are all Canadians so boring all stories about them sound alike?

  2. Deeptrout says:

    I don’t get it…

  3. Mad Max says:

    Seriously do u even read anybody elses stories on ur own site?

  4. P. Beckert says:

    I can answer that…no, he doesn’t even read his own stories.

  5. Deeptrout says:

    Due to the way comments are set up I’m not sure if some are directed at me or not.

    My comment about not getting it had to do with the article being posted twice with a change of pics.

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