Creation Museum Sets Stupidly Low Bar w/ Non-Floating Ark

Ken Ham, while unclean in name only, continues to vie valiantly for the creation of a modern day Ark to prove once and for all that the book of Genesis was written as a literal and true historical account.

But old man scam-on-the-barbie has missed too many crucial points, reality clearly the biggest among them.

Don’t let his twoingy accent fool you, he’s not sophisticated, just a regular Joe from a country with no more patience for him. But no matter.

The replica Ark is hoped to cost a mere $73 million dollars. This is roughly the same ark that Noah built with his family and alleged but unconfirmed rag-tag team of volunteers… at no cost.

Back then, a handful of unskilled laborers could build a seaworthy craft ready to carry an historically unprecedented cargo of weight, but today, with all of modern technology, it takes $73 million dollars to build a replica.

By the way, the $73 million version can’t survive a pond, much less a puddle.

The Wyoming was another wooden ship built to 450 feet, but it was crafted by skilled shipbuilders, and thousands of years later than the alleged Ark.

The Wyoming “tended to flex in heavy seas, which would cause the long planks to twist and buckle, thereby allowing sea water to intrude into the hold. Wyoming had to use pumps to keep her hold relatively free of water… she foundered in heavy seas and sank with the loss of all hands.”

But I’m sure the Ark would fare far better, by the grace of God.

Ken “slamma-jamma” Ham has never proposed to build a seaworthy ark, but merely a land-locked replica. What manner of Biblical cop out is this? You have God on your side, Senior Ham, make like number two and make it so.

Ken Ham is crazy, sure, but he’s not stupid. He knows building a $73 million dollar ark on land is well and good, but if he tried to build it to fare the seas, even with modern technology, it would sink faster than his approval ratings in a debate with Bill Nye.

In the interest of journalistic neutrality, we’re not going to take a stand on this matter, but we will say that the literal interpretation of Noah’s Ark from the book of Genesis never happened, and that anyone who says otherwise is either brainwashed, brain damaged or simply without a brain. No offense to our mollusk readers intended.

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

8 thoughts on “Creation Museum Sets Stupidly Low Bar w/ Non-Floating Ark

  1. Maybe the ark does in fact not float, but because God is so kool, he helped it float. i mean he did make physics after all, so he can ignore that if he so wished. If God wants an unfloatable object to float, I have faith that he could. :3 just my two cents.

  2. Not going one way or another on this, but it is interesting to not that other cultures also claim that at one time there was a Great Flood as well.

  3. It could have been built literally, if a cubick was 0.25 of a centimeter and Noah and the animals were tiny prototypes before God scaled things up.

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