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Have You Ever Thought About Joining ISIS?

Have You Ever Thought About Joining ISIS?

NOTE FROM WALLACE RUNNYMEDE:

We rarely republish pieces at Glossy News, even though the ‘Glossy News Classics’ occasional series will feature some great work from our back catalogue. But this recent piece was so hilarious, we are publishing it again! And a couple of minutes, my humble follow-up will appear here at Glossy News. I am afraid it cannot measure up to Kilroy’s great story here: but hopefully both pieces will be very enjoyable…

And thought-provoking!

Now, what on earth did I mean by that…

!

***

Greetings and salutations dysfunctional Western youth. God is great and so are you! We are ISIS and we are looking for a few good martyrs! Are you that special person who is destined to do great things for a great cause? Then we’re looking for you. Yes you! No, not you, the guy behind you. You there. You!

You didn’t stumble upon this website by accident. You were led here by a greater power. Isn’t that great? But enough polite western salutations and fragile ego stroking of weak infidels soon to die! Did we say that out loud? Sorry. Please allow us to to sing you a subliminal siren’s song about ten great reasons to join ISIS, with a Metallica sound track and nanosecond edited grotesque imagery at regular intervals.

1. Great Tax Breaks—As a member of ISIS you will no longer be required to pay taxes to the imperialist, godless devils of the United States of America. However we do require you make an occasional modest donation to the Martyr’s Fund, which we will use for hookers and booze right after you blow yourself up. Of course we realize such behavior makes us impure but we are willing to take one for the team. After all there is only so much room in Paradise.

2. Great Retirement Plan—Instead of the uncertainty that accompanies the economy you are currently enslaved to, ISIS provides a generous retirement plan for both you and your 72 virgins. Forget that pipe dream of ever owning an IRA and bingo on Wednesday nights… Tell McDonald’s to shove it and retire in the Gardens of Paradise with all of your friends. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News1 Comment

Morsi’s Democracy (Song Parody)

Morsi’s Democracy (Song Parody)

This parody of ‘Chinese Democracy’ by Guns ‘n’ Roses is dedicated to everyone who has ever stood up to political Islamists. 

If the theocrats really do believe hellfire exists, then every moment of their life should be one of the utmost terror and foreboding.

Hellfire awaits the Jihadi

Gonna find out for yourself

Endless torment, Jihadi

You’re gonna leave this world,

Cast down forever below the earth

 

Rotten pigfucking missionary

Crack-smoking Dawahmongering visionary

Hatin’ on them pesky gays ‘n’ Jews

Hellfire is for those who lose

I know that you’re a worthless prick

An enchanting story-peddling dick

Blame it on the Coptic guys

You will meet your end and greet the flames of hell now

 

Yeah subhuman vermin shit like you

Gonna win your virgins by raping?

But even with a little dried-up dick

All you got left is masturbation

I’m gonna gas the rats, is it really really such a crime?

 

Your bullshit don’t really matter

You’ll discover hellfire for yourself

No you don’t really matter

So you can hear your judgment from

Somebody else

 

Cause it would take longer than eternity

To consummate your vile damnation

Even with your tearful eyes

Satan smirks at your masturbation but all you got is

Damnation for all time

 

Your bullshit don’t really matter

You’ll discover hellfire for yourself

No you don’t really matter

So you can hear your judgment from

Somebody else

 

Keep your broke-ass lil fuck puppet locked up inside

Beat her, choke her, rape her, hear your children cry

She’ll come and haunt you in your prison cell

And she’ll choke you! Blazing barbed wire in hell

Nothing can ever make you stop

Hell’s torments, he screams, your eyes will pop

No more hypocrite’s repentance

Cos you’re forever out of time!

 

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Posted in Music, World News0 Comments

Trump’s Very First Speech as President: Exclusive to Glossy News

Trump’s Very First Speech as President: Exclusive to Glossy News

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Would you just LOOOOOOOOOK at… Continue Reading

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Posted in World News0 Comments

One Act Tumblr Play: Obama Gets Friendzoned

One Act Tumblr Play: Obama Gets Friendzoned

It’s always fun to write a One Act Tumblr Play; that particular social media site is perfect for this kind of writing! Here’s one of mine:

Obama: Hey, I really like that country, but I’m not gonna do the running. Let her come to me first.

Heh heh… I’m just such a smart guy! I am just one DAMN SMART COOKIE! Well, it’s not up to me to chase her. I’m gonna let her see how much she needs me first.

WAITS

WAITS

WAITS

WAITS

[Tittering and snickering in the background]

Obama: … Oh. Shit. Well. What a prissy, stuck-up bitch! Guess she just doesn’t know what she’s missing.

Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, World News0 Comments

America Still Greatest Democracy in the World – CNN Poll

America Still Greatest Democracy in the World – CNN Poll

ATLANTA – A recent CNN poll of American citizens found that a solid majority (92%) believes that “the United States of America is still the greatest democracy in the world.”

Most poll respondents were clearly favorable toward American democracy. Their comments included:

“We’re definitely number 1.”

“We are the greatest country on earth. No question about it.”

“America is the greatest country I’ve ever seen.”

“Other countries just suck. Except Israel.”

“Even if other countries are better, we are still the greatest.”

“You mean: there are other countries?”

“America can kick the shit out of any other countries’ democracies. They’re just losers.”

“USA! USA!”

Most would agree. However, a few marginal critics of American democracy, such as Michael Moore, believe that exit poll deviations from official results prove that American elections are sometimes fraudulent. Moore has even called for UN supervision of US elections.

Yet the CNN poll showed that 66.6% also agreed with the statement: “Exit polls are an insult to American democracy and a total waste of time.”

American Exceptionalism Explained

So just how did America come to create a better democracy than in all other countries on the planet? Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Top Stories, World News0 Comments

Mother with Son ‘Bit Rough Around the Edges’ Endorses Hillary

Mother with Son ‘Bit Rough Around the Edges’ Endorses Hillary

Some are saying that the choice between Clinton and Trump really is an impossible one. An orange hued racist demagogue versus a blonde haired, blue eyed creepy Aryan interventionist. However, proud Mum Cabernet-Sauvignon Baxter of Brixton, London has just done the woman thaeng, and graciously defended the honour of future Nobel Peace Prize mass media photoshoot heroin heroine Hillary Rodham Clinton: Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, World News0 Comments

How Nude Betting Helped Make Asia a Billion Dollar Gambling Hub

How Nude Betting Helped Make Asia a Billion Dollar Gambling Hub

A 2015 report on Forbes.com suggested that the eyes of the gambling world have shifted over the last decade. While hungry eyes used to look towards Las Vegas and its smorgasbord of gambling delights, today it seems that Asia is where many high rollers get their fill.

Of course, Las Vegas is by no means a lame duck. Indeed, back in 2015, the gambling hub in the middle of the Nevada desert welcomed 42,312,216 tourists, and casinos on the strip alone generated $6.3 billion in revenue. However, when you compare those numbers to Macau’s spreadsheet they look extremely tame.
Despite a recent dip in gambling activity, Macau’s network of casinos generated $28.9 billion in 2015, as high rollers from around the world flocked to iconic venues such as The Venetian Macao to play everything from slots to roulette. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, World News0 Comments

Uncritical Pro AND Anti Immigration Stances? Sentiment, not Reality

Uncritical Pro AND Anti Immigration Stances? Sentiment, not Reality

Just have a look at my comment below, for an article on the site of the publisher Verso Books:

http://www.versobooks.com/blogs/2679-the-hegemonic-powers-of-the-eu-have-gone-one-step-too-far-on-governing-borders-and-the-right-to-move

Immigration is nothing to do with the question of deserving or not deserving this or that. Immigration is an entitlement, a legal provision; to confuse entitlements with desert is to confound a legal category with a morally charged ethical notion.

I further add: Continue Reading

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Posted in Serious Commentary, World News2 Comments

30 Good Excuses for Tony Blair After Chilcot

30 Good Excuses for Tony Blair After Chilcot

1. It was all John Major’s fault.

2. It was all Saddam Hussein’s fault.

3. Divine intervention (more or less the right kind). Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

The Night Before Chilcot (A Poem for the Children)

The Night Before Chilcot (A Poem for the Children)

Twas the night before Chilcot, when all through the nation
The people were pondering the Iraq abomination
Our hopes were all pinned to a gallows in London
Our desire was that Chilcot would damn, with abundance! Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

Blair/Corbyn Pre-Chilcot ‘Worthy Fluff’ War Bores Living Shite out of UK

Blair/Corbyn Pre-Chilcot ‘Worthy Fluff’ War Bores Living Shite out of UK

Notable public figure and achingly dynamic charisma-dripper Anthony ‘Phony Tony’ Blair has recently take the time and effort to patiently educate his arrogant, bigoted, pleb scum enemies where they are going wrong…

Why, I just have no idea why these stuck up, racist, nationalist, isolationist bigots worry about thousands or dead Iraqis when Tony Blair actually had REALLY, REALLY GOOD INTENTIONS! Continue Reading

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Posted in Top Stories, World News0 Comments

The Remain & Leave Campaigns Have Been Vile. Let’s Move Forward & Get Down to Business

The Remain & Leave Campaigns Have Been Vile. Let’s Move Forward & Get Down to Business

The referendum result has already been known for a while in the UK. The economy has taken a hit, for now.

Both sides have behaved appallingly. Continue Reading

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Posted in Serious Commentary, World News0 Comments

Red Ken Is Actually Trans-Jewish (2/2)

Red Ken Is Actually Trans-Jewish (2/2)

So, is Red Ken actually trans-Jewish after all? Let’s see what me old China has to say.

Eh! Tell yer what lad, that’s well nice!

Eh! Ah think Ah could actually be a trans-Jewish meself, cos, yer know, know what Ah mean, me ‘as ad a nice WELL GOOD bagel the other day in the Islington EcoVedanta Smoothie Cafe, it went down a fahcking treat, did that! Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, World News0 Comments

Red Ken Is Actually Trans-Jewish (1/2)

Red Ken Is Actually Trans-Jewish (1/2)

Good ol’ Red Ken recently lost his shit here at Glossy News over media accusations of antisemitism.

He has also said ‘Technically lad, I might be a Jew meself, eh? Know what Ah mean, mate?!’ Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, World News0 Comments

The UK Will Never Leave Europe: But Will We Have the Courage to Leave the EU?

The UK Will Never Leave Europe: But Will We Have the Courage to Leave the EU?

Behind the distortions and exaggerations of both sides, one fact remains unshakable:

Europe is not the EU.

A ‘stay’ vote in tomorrow’s referendum is not a vote to remain in Europe.

A ‘leave’ vote in tomorrow’s referendum is not a vote to leave Europe. Continue Reading

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Posted in Serious Commentary, World News0 Comments

Ken ‘Red Ken’ Livingstone Loses His Shit over ‘Jewish Media’ Lies

Ken ‘Red Ken’ Livingstone Loses His Shit over ‘Jewish Media’ Lies

Genial wheeler-dealer, establishment radical politico wide boy/white boy and notable non-racist not-quite-Marxist-but-kinda-getting-there-a-little-bit-vulgar-Corbynite-tankie-lad Ken Livingstone…

Is currently being interrogated by Labour for his recent antisemitic comments.

http://blogs.spectator.co.uk/2016/06/ken-livingstone-faces-music-home-affairs-select-committee/

Here’s Ken ‘Cheeky Chappie’ Livingstone’s latest Del-Boyishly-winsome Youtube rant:

OY! Listen ‘ere, yer FAHCKING MAHPPET! Ah ain’t got no time for this here sneaky Tory bollocks, innit! Continue Reading

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Posted in Top Stories, World News0 Comments

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