Boris Johnson Promises Brexit Boom: “We’ll Corner the Cocaine Industry!”


Compulsive Onanist and quasi-photogenic Eton fop Alexander Boris De Pfeffel Johnson has finally managed to allay fears of a Brexit slump by investing in local industry, providing some helpful tax cuts to rich and poor alike, and looking out for the most marginalised people in society…

Mainly drug dealers!

Coffee versus heroin

Now, I hear a lot of chaps out there seem, for some entirely explicable reason, to think we are some kind of ‘Nasty Party.’ It would appear then, wouldn’t it, that the best way to dispel this myth is not to become a sexual deviant like certain past PMs we could mention, or some kind of entitled, narcissistic career criminal, but instead to, y’know, try and give a bit of a hand UP to those who are suffering most in society, rather than a hand-OUT.

Now, I gather that the Lib Dems and Labour have been saying for quite some time that the smackhead community are an oppressed minority. Of course, as we all know and agree, this is just silly lefty virtue signalling, and unlike me and my boys, these other lads and lasses simply cannot be trusted! And yet, there’s a small kernel of truth in the argument. So, in order to enhance our already simply stunning social justice credentials, we’re now considering legalising all class A and class B drugs, in order to create a more coherent and lawful One Nation Britain, and so that our police forces aren’t tangled up in all this, y’ know, this pointless lefty red tape nonsense. We need to be fighting REAL criminals like… Er, never mind! Let’s save that one for later, chaps!

Oh and by the way, this also gives us a chance for some nice tax cuts to benefit our most innovative, edgy, high risk enterpreneurs. That even means the ones in Barnsley and Doncaster, and Halifax and Leeds, who have done simply superbly by creating huge businesses from a very small baseline of investment, amid what I can only consider to be the utmost in cutting-edge, cut-throat, Darwinian competition! Now personally, I think it looks absolutely ridiculous for someone to go flouncing around with an eroded nose and what you could be forgiven for thinking was a terrible Adderall overdose of some kind: but I perfectly endorse their right to do so if they so wish, I endorse this in the most meaningful sense possible, just as I did the human letterboxes of a while ago.

Unconfirmed rumors from our anonymous sources in the zoophiliac community say Bojo’s revolution in values is about to take an interesting turn…

cocaine conservatism
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Author: Wallace Runnymede

Wallace is the editor of Brian K. White's epic website, Glossy News! Email him with your content at (Should be @, not #!) Or if you'd like me to help you tease out some ideas that you can't quite put into concrete form, I'd love to have some dialogue with you! Catch me on Patreon too, or better still, help out our great writers on the official Glossy News Patreon (see the bottom of the homepage!) Don't forget to favourite Glossy News in your browser, and like us on Facebook too! And last but VERY MUCH not the least of all... Share, share, SHARE! Thanks so much for taking the time to check out our awesome site!