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Hot Out of the Oven – New Donald Trump Memes

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Donald Trump’s Latest Conspiratorial Rant: ‘The Jews Control Israel’ (2/2)

Donald Trump’s Latest Conspiratorial Rant: ‘The Jews Control Israel’ (2/2)

Last time:

TRUMP: The Jews! Incredible. The Jews control Israel. Unbelievable. Believe me, this is yuuuge.

JAKE TAPPER: OK, I’m buying it. But what about some of our more sceptical viewers out there? What’s your message for them?

The story continues:

TRUMP: The Jews control Israel! But you’re not allowed to talk about it! Donald…

Trump…

Is the only

President… Continue Reading

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Donald Trump’s Latest Conspiratorial Rant: ‘The Jews Control Israel’ (1/2)

Donald Trump’s Latest Conspiratorial Rant: ‘The Jews Control Israel’ (1/2)

Rambunctious Orange Lives Matter Civil Activist and Pitiful Nazicon Stooge Donald Trump has recently delivered another hate-ridden tirade. After his edgy pre-election comments on ‘Latino rapists’ and ‘banning Muslims,’ Jake Tapper’s recent interview shows the Donald propagating a bizarre anti-Semitic conspiracy theory.

TAPPER: Mr Trump, do you actually believe the Jews control Israel? Continue Reading

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Mysterious Trot Infestation in Yorkshire

Mysterious Trot Infestation in Yorkshire

Raping in the Name of: Mysterious Trot Infestation in Yorkshire Leaves Potential Sex Offenders Shaking Their Dicks!!!

Not so long ago, I spoke about my not so intimate encounter with the Hyde Park Trots in Leeds, Yorkshire. Continue Reading

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The Paris Tragedies

The Paris Tragedies

Note from Wallace:

This essay from Appleseed Ike appeared very early in the history of the Neocon Surveillance site, and the Peace Criminals Project more generally.

These meditations are particularly poignant in light of further terrorist tragedies and atrocities in recent times, including Berlin.

Thank you, Ike! Continue Reading

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U.S. Establishes Ministry of Truth to Combat Fake News

U.S. Establishes Ministry of Truth to Combat Fake News

WASHINGTON – In response to the growing epidemic of “fake news,” President Obama today announced the creation of a new department of the federal government, the Ministry of Truth.

“As a Constitutional scholar, I can assure you that the Founding Fathers of our nation never intended the sacred First Amendment rights of freedom of speech and freedom of the press to apply to websites peddling ‘fake news’. The Founding Fathers well understood the importance of controlling the political narrative,” stated Obama.

“Let me be clear: ‘fake news’ is an enormous problem. So we need a war on fake news like never before. We will work closely with the more established and reliable media companies, including social media, to stamp out the threat that so many independent voices poses to our democracy.” Continue Reading

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12 Exciting 2017 News Snippets You Definitely Won’t Have Seen Yet: (Or Believed) (2/2)

12 Exciting 2017 News Snippets You Definitely Won’t Have Seen Yet: (Or Believed) (2/2)

Jess Phillips Stabs Jeremy Corbyn in the Front! Like, LITERALLY, duuuuuuuuuude! Phillips Outraged at Subsequent Wildly Disproportionate Twitter Harassment

Moderate Khameine-ite Ayatollah Legitimizes Reverse Chickengirl Position for Some Edgier Farmyard Fun

Alex Jones Joins Washington Post, Furnishes Numerous Useful Insights on Russian Hacking Allegations Continue Reading

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12 Exciting 2017 News Snippets You Definitely Won’t Have Seen Yet: (Or Believed) (1/2)   

12 Exciting 2017 News Snippets You Definitely Won’t Have Seen Yet: (Or Believed) (1/2)  

Cameron, Blagojevich, & Clinton Crime Family to Forge New Career Pathways on ‘Celebrity Corruption Island.’

French Democracy Doomed: Tony Blair ‘Helpfully Advises’ French not to Vote for Marine Le Pen

California Colleges Ban Ice Cream Vans for Triggering Lactose Intolerant Community

North Korean Translation of Libertarian Classic ‘Atlas Shrugged’ is Really Rather More Revisionist than You Might ah Funked it! Continue Reading

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Nasty Politician Memes

Nasty Politician Memes

War in Yemen, William Hague, Dick Cheney, Samantha Power, Obama…

Gotta love these guys! Continue Reading

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Germany Prepares to Prosecute Millions for Insulting Donald Trump in 2017

Germany Prepares to Prosecute Millions for Insulting Donald Trump in 2017

BERLIN – Germany’s law against insulting the leaders of foreign governments will be put to the ultimate test when billionaire Twitter personality Donald Trump is sworn in as President of the United States in January 2017.

Insulting President-Elect Donald Trump has become a favorite pastime and even personal crusade for millions of disillusioned people across the world. Many Germans view Trump’s crass expression of his troglodytic weltanschauung as a new all-time low in the history of Western political discourse.
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When Donald Met Nigel (A Comic Dialogue in Two Annoying Parts)

When Donald Met Nigel (A Comic Dialogue in Two Annoying Parts)

NOTE FROM WALLACE: Welcome Appleseed Ike, of Satirical Industrial Complex! This is Ike’s first piece for Glossy News.

***

When you hear about a meeting between Donald and Nigel you’d stereotypically picture two ageing, dogmatic men. What happens is far worse than a stereotype.

D- Hey British guy, why don’t you start by telling me about your crooked plan to get rid of Theresa May… not be very good for Britain. Ha. They can’t imagine it! Sad.

N- Well, it’s quite genius really. First you show some turbulence between the USA and Britain. This will create worry and confusion because of Brexit…

D- I love Brexit. Awesome! They tell me about Brexit. I know Brexit. Nobody does Brexit better than the Donald. Continue Reading

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An ‘Inconvenient’ Parable

An ‘Inconvenient’ Parable

I wish Tony Blair would just go away.

He’s like a clingy one night stand that keeps calling you up every now and then at 3 am, completely out of the blue, in order to tell you who much he loves you and giving you unsolicited advice about how to live your life and manage your affairs! Continue Reading

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Jeremy Corbyn Double Bill (2/2): Jihadi Jez Advocates Screening Out Asylum Seekers

Jeremy Corbyn Double Bill (2/2): Jihadi Jez Advocates Screening Out Asylum Seekers

Asylum seeking is not a matter of mere individual self-interest; rather, it should serve the greater good of society and the economy. So, I think if we’re going to have asylum seekers, we need to ensure that any asylum seekers with covert neoliberal and capitalist sympathies should be purged.

Lily Allen recently did a good job of scouting for any uncongenially bourgeois asylum seekers with iPods, fancy wallets or more than one and a half pair of shoes.

It seems that the genuine, meritoriously poverty-stricken asylum seeker community have already been infiltrated by the malevolent neoliberal bourgeoisie.

We’re going to have to work out what to do with any of the asylum seekers who don’t toe the party line.

I was reading a history book the other day in the Islington Ecovedanta Meta-Vegan Cafe, and I think I’m starting to formulate a cunning, erm, a perfectly dialectically rigorous and scientifically socialist plan to deal with the problem of bourgeois roaders and malevolent neoliberal conspirators among the asylum seeker community.

***
Idea derived from Newsbiscuit discussion:
Check these guys out!

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Jeremy Corbyn Double Bill (1/2): ‘Dirty Bread’ Shocker

Jeremy Corbyn Double Bill (1/2): ‘Dirty Bread’ Shocker

The unelectable Sanders didn’t get the Democratic nomination, the electable HRC didn’t get elected, and the bizarre Donald is now leader.

But what about the allegedly unelectable 80s socialist leader from across the pond, who is now leading the Labour Party? Here’s a bit of a blast from the past.

***

Jeremy Corbyn has been caught red-handed buying discounted bread. Here’s a quote from Johnny Littledick of the Hourly Fail: Continue Reading

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Trump Agrees to Return Alaska to Russia

Trump Agrees to Return Alaska to Russia

In a clever, sage move by president elect Donald Trump, Alaska will be returned to Russia on January 21st, 2017. “We stole these lands and they have to go back to their rightful owners.”

The United States purchased Alask from Russia in 1867 for the staggering sum of $7.2 million. Russia had territorial claim, but no real settlement, so the transfer was seen as a win-win, unaware of the future geo-political implications.

“We don’t even use it,” said Trump. “What’s it for? Sure there’s some oil and penguins up there, but they aren’t like us. Just because you’re Nanook doesn’t mean you live in my north.” Continue Reading

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4 More Reasons Why You Should Join ISIS

4 More Reasons Why You Should Join ISIS

A lot of people were offended by the recent Ten Great Reasons to Join ISIS article by Kilroy.
I found myself at a bit of a loss to write an even edgier article.
However, help is at hand!
Notable Moderate Political Islamist Teddy Ramallah of Cowbridge University has asked me to forward this ISIS recruitment advert to you.
I’m all for tolerance and respecting the sincerely held beliefs of others; diversity is our greatest strength, and as we all share a common humanity, I’m going to respect Teddy Ramallah’s ideological and ethical diversity, just like you ought to respect mine.
We’re all in this together… so, here we go!

#1 License to Kill & Be Killed (Just Like James Bond!)

I mean, I know bitches look down on you and all them white-ass hos don’t give you no pussy. Why don’t you actually get a bit classy so those prissy kafffir girls are actually eating out of your jihadi-bride-whacking fistifcuffs?

#2 No Muh Peer Pressure to Read

I mean, who actually LIKES reading? A lot of jihadists are very intelligent anyway, like Imam Khomeini (peace and blessings of the Dean be upon him), who wrote an entire several-volume book about chicken-fucking and marrying kids. So dump that stupid jaheel college of yours and learn that you actually have something constructive to do in this world. I mean, I can already see you are a better fit here, than there!

 #3 ISIS are anti-imperialists

Iraq and Syria and other apostate countries were carved up from the fall of the Ottoman empire. If you oppose an empire, you are an anti-imperialist! By definition! I mean, how much simpler do I have to say it?

#4 ISIS are Radical Cosmopolitans with a Global Outlook

All we want to do is to abolish all those arbitrary national boundaries that divide and alienate and that capitalists are always taking advantage of in order to oppress and exploit the innocent.
Unlike the racists and nationalists of America, our only desire is to reunited the world and bring about one common humanity and one single global village in peace and universal brotherhood. How many liberal interventionist or neocon infidels have you ever heard saying that?!

***

#HASHTAG

#SORRYIFYOUWEREOFFENDED

#IMEANIHAVEJIHADIFRIENDS

#ONLYACOUPLEMIND

#WELLDEARMEPEOPLEREALLYARESOSENSITIVENOWADAYSARENTTHEY

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