UK’s Oldest Student Activist Hails ‘Stunning Victory’ in Westminster Campus Debating Contest

Labour Party

Obsessive marrow pickler and underrated one-man Arthur Steptoe tribute act Jeremy ‘Jihadi Jez’ Corbyn wants the entire UK (and world!) to know that he won, you lost, and you’d better bloody well suck it up, arite?!
At his usual preferred soapbox outside the Islington Pret a Manger, Jezza directly addressed his core demographic of hard-working Southern graduates and non-neoliberal hedge fund managers as follows:

We may not have won any votes, but at least we won the debate! Because purity is all that matters, isn’t it???

The howling of the dainty fops reached a crescendo as a seemingly unhinged Corbyn screamed:

No matter what the mainstream neoliberal BIAS MURDOCH PRESS says, we know there can only have been one winner this election! One right man with an opinion is a majority! And one man with a correct opinion is a more powerful electoral force in parliament than 649 other ones who only have interests! Unfortunately, however, the MSM are going a little bit James Bond, and comparing me to some cranky supervillain! But we all know that bourgeois mathematics is a neoliberal plot, and that the class standpoint in mathematics is the only thing that matters!

Genial crackhead and highly closeted pig fancier Boris Spaffer Johnson responds:

You see, this is exactly the kind of self-indulgent, self-obsessed, self-referential, narcissistic nonsense we need to get away from in this country. Thank God the British electorate saw sense and went for someone with a bit more humility! Now at last we can see the damage all these silly materialistic, dogmatic, reactionary ideologies can do to all of us, let’s go ahead and Make Britain Victorian Again!

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Author: Wallace Runnymede

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