Category: Top Stories
Search for Missing Malaysian Jetliner Extends to Blue Ball, PA
Searchers from 26 countries have now focused their attention on the search for missing Malaysian Airlines flight 370 on the tiny, unincorporated town of Blue Ball, PA. “We had a mysterious radar blip over Blue Ball”, said US Secretary of…
CEO Ben Linus Says Malaysia Flight 370 Swallowed Up By Smoke Monster
On Monday in Tunis, Tunisia, Ben Linus, CEO of The Dharma Initiative International, issued the following press release claiming the ill fated flight was accidentally swallowed up by an intergalactic black hole. “Fifty thousand years ago a consortium of advanced…
Doctor Who Claims Responsibility For Malaysia Flight 370
At a press conference Sunday at BBC headquarters in London, Gallifreyan Time Lord Doctor Who claimed missing Malaysia Flight 370 is with him. “I landed the TARDIS in flight and asked the passengers and flight crew if they would like to…
The Charge Of The Light Brigade Revisited; Russia Invades Ukraine Edition
There is a famous poem written about another famous invasion of Crimea from the 1800’s- the British fighting the Russians on the Crimean Peninsula. It is called ‘The Charge Of The Light Brigade’ by Alfred Lord Tennyson and concerns itself…
Weakest Lincoln: Thinkin’ or Not, Napolitano Craps Out
Fox News contributor Judge Andrew Napolitano appeared on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart this week to strut his contrarian cred and ruffle some feathers. Problem is, he was just… plain… wrong. It was great of him to appear on…
Leaders Celebrate Leadership for the Infantilized Masses
Dateline: WASHINGTON—On this year’s Leadership Day, leaders from around the world in governments and corporations spoke about the meaning of leadership while the millions of followers showed that they understood by sitting cross-legged in circles, holding hands, and defecating in…
Pathetic Résumé Supercharged by Plastic Folder
ANAHEIM, CA—The offices of Walworth and Rhodes were gut-punched with excitement upon seeing that an applicant’s otherwise completely unimpressive résumé had been placed inside a plastic folder. With a work history that made him an unequivocal leper in the job…
Putin Invades Coney Island To Help Russians Living There
Russian President Vladimir Putin has sent Russian troops into Coney Island, a part of Brighton Beach, New York, that has a large immigrant Russian population. Swarming ashore from submarines that covertly approached the beach, they quickly took over all government…
Idaho State Senator Furious Over Virtual Lap Dance Ban
BOISE, Idaho – Sen. Sam Getzless of Pocatello, Idaho is fuming mad about the recent bill passed in his state banning virtual lap dances, otherwise known as “laptop dances.” Getzless claims the ban will affect roughly half the population as…
White House Claims WMDs Found In Crimea
In a stunning announcement at Wednesday mornings press briefing, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced WMDs have been discovered in the Crimean peninsula. “The CIA has determined and it has been confirmed through British Intelligence that convoys of Russian…