Leaders Celebrate Leadership for the Infantilized Masses

Dateline: WASHINGTON—On this year’s Leadership Day, leaders from around the world in governments and corporations spoke about the meaning of leadership while the millions of followers showed that they understood by sitting cross-legged in circles, holding hands, and defecating in their diapers.

“Americans still believe in an America where everything is possible,” said President Obama. “They just don’t think their leaders do. We have a failure of leadership. Too often leaders pretend they’re taking their followers forward, only to take them backward. I lead from behind so that if we start moving backward I can hold out my arms, block any movement in that dastardly direction, and push us forward instead, forward to freedom.”

The president spoke at length from the Oval Office about his leadership style, while his cabinet members sat on the floor, eating lickerish, drinking from juice boxes, and playing games on their mobile devices.

When the Chief of Staff cried because the Secretary of Defense started pulling her hair, President Obama seized the moment and demonstrated his ability to lead America. Apologizing to his television audience for the outburst, the president explained to the Secretary that it’s not nice to bully and told him to go stand in the corner and think about it. Hanging his head in shame, the Secretary of Defense followed where the president led.

“America is still the leader of the free world,” said Sen. Ted Cruz. “When countries have learned their life lessons and are ready for their freedom to play at recess, they need a Recess Monitor to guide them. America is the beacon shining on the hill in the yard outside the school where leaders lead.”

Not to be outdone, CEOs around the world extolled strong leadership. “Teamwork is essential, but every team needs a leader,” said one captain of industry. “Most people want to be led; they want to follow a charismatic, decisive leader. I lead with my head held high, my chin thrust out, my cape flowing behind me so that my legions of followers will be all like, ‘Whoa, dude! That guy’s like a leader or something.’”

“We don’t choose to lead,” said Mr. Wallace, the head of General Motors. “We’re forced to assume our leadership roles, because without leaders who would tell the masses when playtime is over?”

Wallace spoke at a gymnasium where hundreds of bored automakers were fidgeting in their seats on the shiny floor as Wallace changed his secretary’s diaper. “Leadership is about having a vision of a better tomorrow and showing everyone else the way forward,” he said while holding his secretary’s legs up, removing her soiled diaper, and powdering her behind. “Coochie-coochie-coo!” he added, tickling her belly as she giggled.


13 comments on “Leaders Celebrate Leadership for the Infantilized Masses

  1. Not sure what gadgets or Prozac have to do with the infantilizing talk of leadership, but maybe the target of this particular article isn’t clear enough. Oh well, you win some and you lose some.

  2. No, I don’t think that’s the problem, Deeptrout. I think it might be that the infantilizing aspect of this worship of “leadership” is something that bugs me but not many others. I try to satirize things that piss me off, but sometimes not everyone thinks there’s a problem there. I don’t know how I could make it clearer than this article. I just suspect that you guys don’t see what the fuss is about. The childish idea that we should follow leaders still bugs me, though.

  3. Anyway, let’s open a new door of discussion.

    People get the government they deserve.

    Discuss amongst yourselves.

  4. I’m not an anarchist, no. But it’s true that anarchists like Noam Chomsky don’t like the idea of leadership, either. I understand that some people are better at certain tasks than others, so the superior ones should be put in positions of higher authority. But we don’t have to see that hierarchy of jobs in terms of followers and leaders. It’s dehumanizing to think of less powerful or influential folks as followers.

    Mind you, I think many people just want to keep their head down and follow the rules to get by. And certainly, some very ambitious individuals want to lead others on the battlefield. So here I’m just caricaturing what a society looks like when it’s fetishized leadership.

  5. It’s not so much the whole culture, but there’s a lot of talk in the US about leadership in politics and business. The US is supposed to lead the world in various ways, but that’s a euphemism. The proper places for leadership are in the schoolyard when an adult has to hold a child’s hand to cross a patch of ice or in a military context, when a heroic and experienced commander takes charge on the battlefield and the other soldiers have to follow, because coordination is needed to keep them all alive.

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