Dateline: WASHINGTON—On this year’s Leadership Day, leaders from around the world in governments and corporations spoke about the meaning of leadership while the millions of followers showed that they understood by sitting cross-legged in circles, holding hands, and defecating in their diapers.
“Americans still believe in an America where everything is possible,” said President Obama. “They just don’t think their leaders do. We have a failure of leadership. Too often leaders pretend they’re taking their followers forward, only to take them backward. I lead from behind so that if we start moving backward I can hold out my arms, block any movement in that dastardly direction, and push us forward instead, forward to freedom.”
The president spoke at length from the Oval Office about his leadership style, while his cabinet members sat on the floor, eating lickerish, drinking from juice boxes, and playing games on their mobile devices.
When the Chief of Staff cried because the Secretary of Defense started pulling her hair, President Obama seized the moment and demonstrated his ability to lead America. Apologizing to his television audience for the outburst, the president explained to the Secretary that it’s not nice to bully and told him to go stand in the corner and think about it. Hanging his head in shame, the Secretary of Defense followed where the president led.
“America is still the leader of the free world,” said Sen. Ted Cruz. “When countries have learned their life lessons and are ready for their freedom to play at recess, they need a Recess Monitor to guide them. America is the beacon shining on the hill in the yard outside the school where leaders lead.”
Not to be outdone, CEOs around the world extolled strong leadership. “Teamwork is essential, but every team needs a leader,” said one captain of industry. “Most people want to be led; they want to follow a charismatic, decisive leader. I lead with my head held high, my chin thrust out, my cape flowing behind me so that my legions of followers will be all like, ‘Whoa, dude! That guy’s like a leader or something.’”
“We don’t choose to lead,” said Mr. Wallace, the head of General Motors. “We’re forced to assume our leadership roles, because without leaders who would tell the masses when playtime is over?”
Wallace spoke at a gymnasium where hundreds of bored automakers were fidgeting in their seats on the shiny floor as Wallace changed his secretary’s diaper. “Leadership is about having a vision of a better tomorrow and showing everyone else the way forward,” he said while holding his secretary’s legs up, removing her soiled diaper, and powdering her behind. “Coochie-coochie-coo!” he added, tickling her belly as she giggled.