NFL Footballers Sue Their Sugar Daddy For Head Injuries – Woosies, Wimps

Former professional football players have just announced that they are seeking millions of dollars in damages due to injuries that have resulted from head concussions that have occurred from playing the game.

The NFL stands to pay out 765 MILLION (!) for medical costs to ALL players claiming to still suffer from chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE).

The lawyers say that this staggering sum is just a drop in the bucket to the NFL (what a surprise that lawyers would see it this way!).

What this means is that is is the chance for all of us who were never athletically inclined, never had the chance to learn football, were always tormented by jocks in high school, didn’t have the physical ability for sports, or were socially condemned to being social lessers in the social structures of high school now have our chance to give the big boys some of their own abuse back.

Did you suffer from wedgies, Dutchman rubs, insults, putdowns, punches, neck locks etc. from the Oh-So-Holy jocks in your community? Did the school administration teachers and other students actually support or turn a blind eye to this sort of behavior?

If so, then here is our chance to turn the tables and rub their noses in their own excrement for a change.

Let’s let them have it! We have waited for this so long and they deserve it so much. Here we go:

LOSERS! WOOSIES! WIMPS! HOMOS!
CAN’T TAKE A LITTLE HEAD POUNDING?!

Aren’t you supposed to be the tough guys who can do anything? Now you’re crying because your brain don’t work right any more! Since when did you ever use that part of your anatomy anyway?

Weren’t you the guys who always said to shut up and not to whine? Why, this whole law suit sounds like a continuous whine siren! Why are you babies all howling for your pacifiers? Weren’t you the ones living it up in your glory days and enjoying the best of everything; the money, the women, the fast cars, the gift wrapped cocaine?

Now you expect everyone else to pay for your broken down carcass? Weren’t you guys the first ones to yell about individualism and do-it-yourselfism? Now you are like those guys waiting at stop lights with signs saying you are homeless and can you spare a buck.

Do you think I would give you a buck? Sure I would! A buck in the rear knocking you into the gutter!

What happened to all that money you made when your guys were the top Alpha Males of the whole country? Spent it all on steroids, do-anything anywhere prostitutes and booze bashes?

Don’t have a dime of it left? Ahhh, poor babies! We’re still schmucks who couldn’t kick a field goal if we were offered a free night with Sophia Vergara, but at least we still got thinking mechanisms that function. And we ain’t cryin’ to our sugar daddy cause we fell and hurt our knee. Or that we have a hurt brain and need some of Daddy’s money to fix it!

So, go on your merry ways and go back to whatever maid diddling or bar hopping you guys do in your retirement (who else gets to retire at 35?). You are getting the NFL to play the patsy and you are cleaning them out for $765 million and getting away with it.

You yourselves know half the guys are making claims are faking it. Attorneys in every pro bowl city are swimming in circles salivating at this. Did you all hire your lawyers from those that have their ads on daytime TV saying they’ll help you hook and land a rich SOB, clean him out and gut him for all you can? I thought so!

There. That was enough for now.

Don’t you all feel better now? I sure do!

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Soccer Quickly Becoming America’s Like 4th or 5th Favorite Sport

A recent poll taken by randomly selected sports fans from around the nation indicated that the game of soccer, where you try and kick a ball into a goal, is drawing near to being among some of America’s most popular sports.

“It’s definitely up there,” said one Chicago sports nut. “I mean, football is way better, and so is baseball, basketball, NASCAR, hockey, tennis, wrestling, and motocross, but after that, it’s probably a pretty close tie between soccer and golf. Read more Soccer Quickly Becoming America’s Like 4th or 5th Favorite Sport

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Why was the boxer so funny? (comic)

Kids love to tell jokes in only two varieties; dumb and inappropriate. The one sadly falls into the “dumb” category, but hopefully redeems itself in the fourth act.

This is a fine example of why we shouldn’t leave jokes to children. Sure, they come up with the odd, random chuckle, but in the end, they really don’t know what they’re talking about.

And if this joke is any indication, they also have no command of a punch line.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

Brian is on temporary personal leave but has left us with an innumerous backlog of comics to share until his return. Check back for daily updates.

36-funny-boxer

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Obnoxious American Gives Snide Opinions on Euro Football, Gets Booted From EU

It is time to take the opportunity to take you folks in England (and you in Scotland and Ireland too for that matter) to task on this thing you call ‘European Football’ God only knows somebody needs to, so I’ll take this heavy responsibility on my shoulders.

The main gripe I have is this silliness that you dare to call football (you undoubtedly stole this name from our proud game). What a load of balderdash (I learned this word from watching British comedies). A bunch of guys running around in skivvies (this word too) in the middle of winter! It’s no wonder someone in your countries had to invent Fisherman’s Friend just to keep the poor boys going! Read more Obnoxious American Gives Snide Opinions on Euro Football, Gets Booted From EU

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Packer Backer Quackers

A few months before the start of the Super Bowl game a few years back I returned to the part of the country I am from and made the irritating discovery that everyone there had gone nuts.

Normally Wisconsinites are the most normal people you can get, excepting of course people from Madison who many suspect escaped from the space ship that crashed at Roswell. Wisconsinites are so normal that Norman Rockwell could have painted a whole series of works on them alone. Read more Packer Backer Quackers

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Despite Inexperience, Local Narcissist Ready For Debut MMA Fight

Donnie Dimaggio, a 27 year old Las Vegas bartender, has decided that despite having virtually no experience in the realm of combat sports, he’s totally ready for his first Mixed Martial Arts fight, which is scheduled for early next year.

Going into the 5-round bout, Donnie’s confidence level seems excessively high given his athletic background, which mainly consists of a season of J.V. high school football (which ended abruptly due to his poor academic performance) and several games of intramural ultimate-frisbee during his freshman year of community college.

Donnie has been visiting the gym off and on for the last 10 years, however his training has focused primarily on high repetitions of biceps curls, triceps extensions and a lot of standing around. Still, Donnie remains confident and has made it clear to many of his female co-workers that he’s “pumped” for his “shot at the title.” The fight he’s scheduled for is a non-ranking amateur bout and in no way involves a title of any kind.

I’m ready to grab the bull by the horns and skull fuck it into filet-mignon,” said Dimaggio, from the tanning bed he frequents year round, apparently unaware that his native Las Vegas is a subtropical cloudless desert.

Although Donnie lacks any formal fight training, sources (his bros) say that last Friday night he came very close to “brawling” with some “pussy ass faggot bitch” who “accidentally” shoulder-checked Donnie at a crowded casino nightclub bar. Apparently the PAFB then totally backed down once Donnie, egged on by his girlfriend, got all up in his face about it.

The PAFB reportedly offered to buy Donnie and his girlfriend a drink as a gesture of apology but Donnie continued to drunkenly berate the PAFB until bouncers forcibly escorted him and his girlfriend from the nightclub. Though the one-sided verbal altercation never escalated into a physical confrontation, it appears to have been quite a confidence booster for Donnie. And the next morning, still drunk, he signed up for his first sanctioned MMA fight.

In preparation, Donnie has recently been hitting a heavy bag in his parents’ garage for at least 20 minutes a day while chugging energy drinks and blaring dubstep on the custom speakers of his lifted F-350.

“You either have it or you don’t,” Donnie said, apparently not referring to the skills one acquires after many years preparing the body physically and mastering the submission techniques required to compete in MMA, instead, citing some personal, nebulous idea about what makes a fighter successful.

Donnie’s family members, although supportive, are somewhat skeptical of his recent enthusiasm for competition in MMA. It was reported that Donnie once received a gift certificate for a free month of Brazilian Jujitsu as a birthday present from his parents after he mentioned he was interested in learning a martial art.

His parents immediately encouraged their son to do something, anything, that involved any kind of long-term commitment or required any kind of self-discipline. However the gift certificate was never put to use and expired a year later.

“I couldn’t start Jujitsu because I was getting hella-ink done that year,” said Donnie, referring to the dragons that adorn each of his semi-muscular biceps. “But those pussy ass faggot bitches at that gym were lucky I didn’t walk in there and tap-out each one of them.”

The MMA fight, which is set for February 7th, near the dumpsters behind Mandalay Bay, will be Donnie’s first fight since a domestic dispute with his ex-fiancee. Donnie is hoping the fight will end in a knockout and not 300 hours of court-mandated community service.

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Peyton Manning Didn’t Vote: Too Busy Feigning Modesty About Status as Best F’ng Quarterback Ever

Denver, CO—Denver Broncos’ Quarterback, Peyton Manning, revealed to reporters this evening that he didn’t have time to visit the polls today because he was too busy faking modest responses to numerous claims that he is the greatest QB of all time. Read more Peyton Manning Didn’t Vote: Too Busy Feigning Modesty About Status as Best F’ng Quarterback Ever

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OJ Simpson Claims ‘Prison More Fun Since Jerry Sandusky Arrived’

Pennsylvania Penal System – (SatireWorld.com) Convict number 183996, also known as OJ Simpson, has confided to friends through his letters and censored emails that prison is now a lot more fun!

In an article in Prison Life Magazine, the ex-football player, opens his soul over the daily fun and excitement he finds while sitting in a small cell with four other prisoners. Read more OJ Simpson Claims ‘Prison More Fun Since Jerry Sandusky Arrived’

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Prison Medical Request Denied by Sandusky Judge During Sentencing

Harrisburg, PA – (SatireWorld.com)

Judge Marvin Hayes denied an anal plug request for recently convicted child molester Jerry Sandusky submitted by his defense team upon sentencing this week.

Sandusky’s recent conviction of 45 counts of serial child molestation and subsequent sentencing requires him to spend the rest of his life behind bars in a maxiumum security prison. Read more Prison Medical Request Denied by Sandusky Judge During Sentencing

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Andrew Luck Relishing Challenge of Outgrowing the Colts

INDIANAPOLIS – Speaking ahead of Sunday’s game against the Jacksonville Jaguars, prospective new quarterback Andrew Luck insisted he is really enjoying the challenge of following in the footsteps of Peyton Manning and to one day outgrow The Indianapolis Colts.

Saying that he hopes to “fully develop his game” under coach Chuck Pagano so that he can make a big-money move away to “someone like the New York Giants” later on down the road, Luck invited NFL scouts to “come and see me play.” Read more Andrew Luck Relishing Challenge of Outgrowing the Colts

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Replacement Refs Replace Rules of Football

NEW YORK- Replacement referees, locked out referees, and team owners sat down on Monday to discuss disagreements that have arose over the first three weeks of the season. Sunday’s schedule was an outstanding example of just how creative the liberties were taken by the game officials.

The original referees are locked out after disputes over retirement plans and increased pay, the NFL has replaced them with less experienced referees, whom may have never seen a football before being employed by the NFL.

NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, explained in a press conference, “I like the out-of-the-box thinking used by some of our new officials. They also came at a good price.” Read more Replacement Refs Replace Rules of Football

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New Lakers Stars Learn How to Pass the Ball to Kobe

Los Angeles, California- As the Olympic hype dies down and the Lakers’ newest acquisitions begin training for the upcoming season, all players seem to be eager to learn how to pass the ball to Kobe.

The two biggest new comers to the roster are Steve Nash and Dwight Howard, who are the most energetic about giving Kobe the ball.

Speculation rose after the retirement of Head Coach Phil Jackson, whose decorated NBA coaching career stemmed from his ability to get the ball in the most talented player’s hands.

RIGHT: A photo. I really don’t follow basketball. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

He successfully won six titles for Chicago by making sure Michael Jordan received the ball, and another five in Los Angeles by getting other members on the team to get the ball to Kobe Bryant.

Mike Brown, whose career depended on getting LeBron James the ball in Cleavland, was thought to have been the answer L.A. Was looking for, but after poor performance in the 2011 post-season, doubts remained.

“We just needed some more pieces to the puzzle. Some solid NBA stars that I know can triumphantly get Kobe the ball, and I think we found the right people for the job,” says Mike Brown at a recent press conference.

When asked about the training, Steve Nash explained, “this is the system I have been looking for. I’m a play maker and pretty sweet at soccer. I know a thing or two about passing.” He added, “I’m just glad to take all the shooting pressure off me. I’ve been promised so many times that I could just set up plays for a star scorer and collect a check, and now I can finally just be along for the ride.”

“I feel confident in Mike Brown’s system,” said newly acquired center Dwight Howard. “I feel like he can carry the Lakers torch like all of the other great Lakers coaches. It is a legacy that began with people passing the ball to Magic Johnson. Phil [Jackson] made sure Kobe got the ball, and now Mike Brown is using his patented “King James” offense, but instead, passing the ball to Kobe Bryant. I feel like this will be a good fit.”

Former coach Phil Jackson wrote in a press conference that the key to his success was making sure he had the right people in place to get the ball to Bryant. He expressed his approval for Mike Browns proven coaching methods and believes Brown has gotten a roster that can adequately get Bryant the ball.

Sports journalists all over the country have set the Internet ablaze with scathing criticisms of various organizations in the NBA for hoarding star players instead of focusing on one star player.

Most of the complaints center around lament of a bygone era where one dominant player rules the court. With various teams around the league stacking star players, it leaves some sports fans skeptical of weather or not the new Lakers’ set-up will be able to get Kobe Bryant the ball.

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As Olympics Open Michael Phelps Tests Positive for Performance-Enhancing Arms

BALTIMORE, MD – The world of athletics was left stunned Tuesday after the announcement that 14-time Olympic gold medalist swimmer Michael Phelps has tested positive for performance-enhancing arms.

The world renowned swimmer, who won eight gold medals at the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing, was found to have an arm span measuring 6 feet 7 inches – some 12 inches longer than the average swimmer. Read more As Olympics Open Michael Phelps Tests Positive for Performance-Enhancing Arms

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Elway-Manning for America 2012

Area man Peyton Manning had just gotten laid off from work. Within 48 hours, he knew what he had to do. He hopped on a plane and headed to Denver. John Elway, Broncos exec, was waiting for him.

“Sorry about your neck, fella,” John commiserated, in his signature Fred Thompson croak. With four surgeries to his neck, Peyton had been seriously laid up for the first time in his working life. The neck stuck him on the sideline with $23 million in workers comp. Now, used goods for the old boss, he was on the street. Read more Elway-Manning for America 2012

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Brett Favre Ready To Retire — Again

GREENBAY, WI (GlossyNews) — In a surprising and unexpected career move, Brett Favre officially announced today that he is retiring from fatherhood.

“Since I have returned to the game I love, my attention will be shifting away from my family and back to football,” Favre told reporters during a mandatory practice earlier today. Read more Brett Favre Ready To Retire — Again

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Steinbrenner Options Satan for Minor Mephistopheles to be Named Later

HELL (GlossyNews) — Word comes via famed psychic John Edwards, that legendary sports icon George Steinbrenner has not gone ‘gentle into that good night.’ Other sources confirm Edwards’ assertions. The former Yankees owner has discharged Satan from any further managerial duties of Hell, LLC. Read more Steinbrenner Options Satan for Minor Mephistopheles to be Named Later

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LeBron Mural Removed, to be Replaced by “Real” Clevelander

CLEVELAND, Ohio (GlossyNews) — The 10-story billboard of LeBron James that dominates Ontario Street in downtown Cleveland is being removed by the Nike company, which had sponsored the huge mural. According to a Nike spokesman, “We are removing the LeBron James Witness mural in downtown Cleveland and expect the process to be completed within a few days.” Read more LeBron Mural Removed, to be Replaced by “Real” Clevelander

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