Billy Beane in attempted trade for Trout: “F*** it”

ANAHEIM – This morning, general manager Billy Beane of the Oakland Athletics attempted the trade of a lifetime.

Jerry Dipoto, GM of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, tells source that Beane contacted him in the early hours of the morning with an offer he “couldn’t refuse.”

Beane called the Dipoto home around 4am and told the former pitcher “F*** it. I’m ready.” He then allegedly tried to offer up the entire 2014 Oakland Athletics roster in exchange for Angels marquee player, Mike Trout. Read more Billy Beane in attempted trade for Trout: “F*** it”

Share

Sports Channel Scrapes Bottom, Covers Mini Golf

There’s nothing elegant about a three-year-old putting madly at a ball he can’t seem to square up on, but it seems one channel has gone the extra mile by making him an internet sensation.

The golfer in question is a young man named Max, and apparently it’s short for Maximum Putt Swings, because this kid is a hacker on the highest order, and his swing isn’t merely unrefined, but refreshingly wild. Read more Sports Channel Scrapes Bottom, Covers Mini Golf

Share

First Nations Emboldened, Demand Red Sox Change Their Name

With the hurricane centered squarely upon the Washington Red Skins, some native American tribes have seen fit to target the Red Sox, declaring them a hate-group in thier own right.

“I’ve watched the Red Sox play for years,” said Margery Margnar of Lower-Upper Boston-Adjacent. “But I never realized what a bunch of racist jerks they are.” Read more First Nations Emboldened, Demand Red Sox Change Their Name

Share

Tiger Woods Unable To Play In Masters After Successful Penisectomy

Tiger Woods announced Tuesday that he has undergone a successful penisectomy for a vestigial weiner that has been haunting him for several years.

The surgery was performed Monday in Park City, Utah, by neurosurgeon Dr. Charles Ima Richer. The procedure was successful, but Woods will be unable to chip them in from green side bunkers for the foreseeable future. Read more Tiger Woods Unable To Play In Masters After Successful Penisectomy

Share

Avid Golfer Furious Over Woman Buying 9 Iron as Weapon

SUN CITY, Florida – George ‘Mac’ McGruder, 69, has been golfing ever since he was old enough to hold a golf club. Wednesdays have always been his golf days, even when he was a physician and ran his own practice.

“The girls in the office knew not to bother me on Wednesdays,” said Mac, “unless, of course, someone was dying,” he added.

So when Mac overheard a woman at his favorite golf pro shop ask the clerk what the heaviest club in the set was, he assumed she wanted to know which club would drive the ball the farthest. What he heard next though came about as close to heresy as he could imagine. Read more Avid Golfer Furious Over Woman Buying 9 Iron as Weapon

Share

49ers PR Office Readies for Mass Suicide Sunday Night

The San Francisco 49ers had a terrible 12-4 season, but this Sunday they face the Seattle Seahawks with a stunning 13-3 regular season record. Facing certain defeat, 49ers fans are widely expected to commit mass, ritual suicide.

The Seahawks have the best defense in the league, and have been favored over the 49ers by 3-9 points/game this regular and post-season, but even losing inside the spread is unlikely to sate the bloodlust for sacrifice to make for a better team next season. Read more 49ers PR Office Readies for Mass Suicide Sunday Night

Share

Dennis Rodman Fails to Arrive at Kim Jong Un Palace

Pyongyang, N. Korea – Dennis Rodman reportedly sent a look-alike imposter in his place to supreme leader, Kim Jong Un’s palace Thursday. The leader of N. Korea is said to be hopping mad and may be readying the execution squad yet another time this month.

“He promise he come back see me, bring many, many good basketball player. He no show up,” Jong Un was quoted as saying after throwing a lavish party consisting of the one chicken left in the state larders, along with two cucumbers and a spaghetti squash left over from the summer harvest. Read more Dennis Rodman Fails to Arrive at Kim Jong Un Palace

Share

Dennis Rodman Missing After Jang Song Thaek’s Execution

Although the mainstream media is reporting that Dennis Rodman is still planning on traveling to North Korea next week to begin training North Korea’s basketball team, no one close to Rodman has seen him since the execution of Kim Jong Un’s uncle, Jang Song Thaek Friday.

Friends close to Rodman claim that he has not been heard from since early Friday morning, and his own personal trainer says he did not show up at the gym as usual Friday afternoon. Read more Dennis Rodman Missing After Jang Song Thaek’s Execution

Share

Thanksgiving Holiday Raises Age-Old Family Question: What is Football?

Aunt Marjorie is still at the table, Uncle Dave is in the den screaming about God knows what, and all the kids are jacked up on pumpkin pie. Yes, it’s football/Thanksgiving season once again.

But what is football? Some Americans call it “footy” but they are all promptly ridiculed and beaten by those who love them most. They want them to understand yardage, NFL Lines and why there are so many commercials. Read more Thanksgiving Holiday Raises Age-Old Family Question: What is Football?

Share

The Changes to European Club Rugby – Americans Indifferent

There are massive changes afoot in the world of Rugby Union. While there has been some agreement recently as to the future of the sport, there are still many obstacles to overcome.

Following an 18-month impasse, the six unions involved in the Heineken Cup (England, Ireland, Wales, Scotland, Italy and France) held a two-day summit in Dublin to decide how a European club competition would work next season. The English and French clubs have stated that they intend to form a breakaway competition next season. Read more The Changes to European Club Rugby – Americans Indifferent

Share

Biggest Winners of the 2013 US Open Tennis

The last tennis Grand Slam of the year is over. The US Open at Flushing Meadows was the setting for some of the best tennis action of the summer.

Defending champions fell short, the finals served up No. 1 vs No. 2 showdowns, and there were new arrivals and fond farewells. By way of recap, we take a look at some of the biggest winners of the tournament. Read more Biggest Winners of the 2013 US Open Tennis

Share

NFL Footballers Sue Their Sugar Daddy For Head Injuries – Woosies, Wimps

Former professional football players have just announced that they are seeking millions of dollars in damages due to injuries that have resulted from head concussions that have occurred from playing the game.

The NFL stands to pay out 765 MILLION (!) for medical costs to ALL players claiming to still suffer from chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE).

The lawyers say that this staggering sum is just a drop in the bucket to the NFL (what a surprise that lawyers would see it this way!).

What this means is that is is the chance for all of us who were never athletically inclined, never had the chance to learn football, were always tormented by jocks in high school, didn’t have the physical ability for sports, or were socially condemned to being social lessers in the social structures of high school now have our chance to give the big boys some of their own abuse back.

Did you suffer from wedgies, Dutchman rubs, insults, putdowns, punches, neck locks etc. from the Oh-So-Holy jocks in your community? Did the school administration teachers and other students actually support or turn a blind eye to this sort of behavior?

If so, then here is our chance to turn the tables and rub their noses in their own excrement for a change.

Let’s let them have it! We have waited for this so long and they deserve it so much. Here we go:

LOSERS! WOOSIES! WIMPS! HOMOS!
CAN’T TAKE A LITTLE HEAD POUNDING?!

Aren’t you supposed to be the tough guys who can do anything? Now you’re crying because your brain don’t work right any more! Since when did you ever use that part of your anatomy anyway?

Weren’t you the guys who always said to shut up and not to whine? Why, this whole law suit sounds like a continuous whine siren! Why are you babies all howling for your pacifiers? Weren’t you the ones living it up in your glory days and enjoying the best of everything; the money, the women, the fast cars, the gift wrapped cocaine?

Now you expect everyone else to pay for your broken down carcass? Weren’t you guys the first ones to yell about individualism and do-it-yourselfism? Now you are like those guys waiting at stop lights with signs saying you are homeless and can you spare a buck.

Do you think I would give you a buck? Sure I would! A buck in the rear knocking you into the gutter!

What happened to all that money you made when your guys were the top Alpha Males of the whole country? Spent it all on steroids, do-anything anywhere prostitutes and booze bashes?

Don’t have a dime of it left? Ahhh, poor babies! We’re still schmucks who couldn’t kick a field goal if we were offered a free night with Sophia Vergara, but at least we still got thinking mechanisms that function. And we ain’t cryin’ to our sugar daddy cause we fell and hurt our knee. Or that we have a hurt brain and need some of Daddy’s money to fix it!

So, go on your merry ways and go back to whatever maid diddling or bar hopping you guys do in your retirement (who else gets to retire at 35?). You are getting the NFL to play the patsy and you are cleaning them out for $765 million and getting away with it.

You yourselves know half the guys are making claims are faking it. Attorneys in every pro bowl city are swimming in circles salivating at this. Did you all hire your lawyers from those that have their ads on daytime TV saying they’ll help you hook and land a rich SOB, clean him out and gut him for all you can? I thought so!

There. That was enough for now.

Don’t you all feel better now? I sure do!

Share

Soccer Quickly Becoming America’s Like 4th or 5th Favorite Sport

A recent poll taken by randomly selected sports fans from around the nation indicated that the game of soccer, where you try and kick a ball into a goal, is drawing near to being among some of America’s most popular sports.

“It’s definitely up there,” said one Chicago sports nut. “I mean, football is way better, and so is baseball, basketball, NASCAR, hockey, tennis, wrestling, and motocross, but after that, it’s probably a pretty close tie between soccer and golf. Read more Soccer Quickly Becoming America’s Like 4th or 5th Favorite Sport

Share

Why was the boxer so funny? (comic)

Kids love to tell jokes in only two varieties; dumb and inappropriate. The one sadly falls into the “dumb” category, but hopefully redeems itself in the fourth act.

This is a fine example of why we shouldn’t leave jokes to children. Sure, they come up with the odd, random chuckle, but in the end, they really don’t know what they’re talking about.

And if this joke is any indication, they also have no command of a punch line.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

Brian is on temporary personal leave but has left us with an innumerous backlog of comics to share until his return. Check back for daily updates.

36-funny-boxer

Share

College Basketball Players Still Waiting on Endorsement Deals

College Basketball is great, no two ways about it. It has as much competitive spirit as any sport, athletes who will be in the big time in no time, and everything else you’d want… except compensation. John Calipari, coach at the University of Kentucky, earns a cool $4 million dollar salary. This Wildcat took his team to the final four with his amazing team. The top paid player earned a grand total of $0 between salary and product endorsements, but he made up for it with hustle. Read more College Basketball Players Still Waiting on Endorsement Deals

Share