Archive | Strange People

92-Year-Old Pervert Arrested After Metro Bus Grope Fest

92-Year-Old Pervert Arrested After Metro Bus Grope Fest

Branson, MO. – A senior citizen bus trip from the Days End senior home in Louisville, KY to Branson, Mo, a popular tourist spot in SW Missouri, has caused some trouble for the old folks and a serious run in with the law as well.

As the bus entered Missouri, an elderly woman, Bertha Klump, came up to the driver Cal Fischer complaining about being molested by a man while she was seated in the back row. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Strange People0 Comments

Boston Rave “Mystery Pills” Found to be Bathtub Sponge Toys

Boston Rave “Mystery Pills” Found to be Bathtub Sponge Toys

Last Saturday, over a dozen “rave” party-goers were taken to hospital in the Boston suburb of Cambridge. The ostensible culprit was “bad ecstasy”, but the pills, sold for $25 to $35 each, turned out to be nothing more than novelty dinosaur sponge toys in capsule form, which once ingested, immediately inflated to cause serious issues. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Strange People5 Comments

California Goes Green by Harnessing Hatred of Prop 8 Proponents

California Goes Green by Harnessing Hatred of Prop 8 Proponents

HUNTINGTON BEACH, California (GLossyNews) — A California scientist has come up with a novel idea: He has learned to harness the hatred of millions of bigoted Californians to create energy and make minorities rich in the process. Doctor Eli Lafitte, a graduate of Grambling State University, and later of UC Berkeley, says he, “has long known about the energy that permeates a room when an African-American or gay person walks in. It is known as hate by gay people and racism by African-Americans. You can definitely feel it and it makes your hair stand on end, just like static electricity. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Strange People5 Comments

Kagan Birth Certificate Controversy

Kagan Birth Certificate Controversy

ODESSA, Texas Commonwealth (GlossyNews) — While it was initially believed Elena Kagan’s Supreme Court nomination would move ahead with only token opposition, such hopes are fading as Congress begins the summer recess.

Backed by the Tea Party affiliated Citizens for Legal Official Documents, Senator Denton R. Fender (R-TX) announced today he will filibuster the Kagan nomination. At issue are recent rumors that Ms. Kagan wasn’t born in New York, as some documents claim. It appears she may have been born in Kenya. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Strange People5 Comments

Mel Gibson Tortures Wife During Racist Rant while World Looks Away

Mel Gibson Tortures Wife During Racist Rant while World Looks Away

TEXARKANA, Texas (GlossyNews) — Melvin, or Mel, Gibson, a 75-year-old redneck from Rockdale, Texas, stood on the corner of Cameron Ave and Main this morning. He was dressed in the requisite T-shirt and stained khaki work pants and holding a battered and half nude 72-year-old Dorinda, his wife of 50 years, by the hair while he screamed racist comments at the top of his lungs.

As a Sheriff’s Deputy drove by, slowing down for a group of vultures eating a dead something-or-other in the middle of the road, Mel hollered that a pack of wild niggers was going to attack Dorinda for wearing a pink bra. Then he screamed and yelled about how the Jews were taking over the world, followed by something or other about Mexicans, loose women, the Gov’ment then Homos. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Strange People2 Comments

GOP Rakes Obama for Buying 3 ‘Racist’ Kringles

GOP Rakes Obama for Buying 3 ‘Racist’ Kringles

RACINE, Wisconsin (GlossyNews) — On the way into the city of Racine, Wisconsin from the Milwaukee airport, President Obama was googling around on his Blackberry and he found a local pastry shop. From there, everything started to go wrong. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Strange People0 Comments

Wannabe, White, Rapper Jives For Job — Still Unemployed

Wannabe, White, Rapper Jives For Job — Still Unemployed

VENICE BEACH, California (GlossyNews) — Nineteen year old Malibu’s Most Wanted clone, Josh Milton, is feeling good vibes after his first real job interview. He successfully answered each question with, what can only be explained as, a convulsive fit of rhymes and spastic hand gestures. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Strange People1 Comment

Far Right Kicks Off ‘Cheney For Dictator’ Campaign

Far Right Kicks Off ‘Cheney For Dictator’ Campaign

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION in Northern Southern Wyoming (GlossyNews) — The wheels are already grinding under the Dick Cheney for Dictator campaign of 2012. The former President of Vice of the United States announced his candidacy at a meeting of Corporations For Keeping America Under Our Thumbs’ convention in New Orleans.

Cheney’s opening speech contained many gems that had the crowds standing and cheering such as “I will bring to bear the iron fist that America so badly needs”, Continue Reading

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Sexless Couple Protects World from Creeping Metaphor

Sexless Couple Protects World from Creeping Metaphor

CHOPPER KNOB, Texas (GlossyNews) — Joe and Loretta McClure, who have not laid a finger on one another in the last 20 years of marriage, are local heroes after assassinating a coral snake they spotted last Sunday afternoon.

The McClures were out for a Sunday drive on a dirt road in the country complaining loudly about everything in the universe, including the teenage store clerk they had just berated for not knowing the difference in price between Juicy Fruit Gum and Tic Tacs, Continue Reading

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Guinness’ Curse? ‘World’s Oldest Person’ Keeps Dying

Guinness’ Curse? ‘World’s Oldest Person’ Keeps Dying

Washington DC (GlossyNews) — In the wake of the recent death of Kama Chinen, a Japanese woman who was considered to be the world’s oldest living person, advocacy groups such as Alliance for Generational Equity (AGE) have called for an investigation into the string of unexplained deaths of old-age record holders.

Stella Samuelson, a spokesperson AGE, is concerned that these deaths are not mere coincidences, noting that no other record holders have fallen victim to this disturbing trend.

“You don’t see the men with the longest beard have such a high mortality rate,” Continue Reading

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Posted in Strange People3 Comments

Dozens of Psychics Warn ‘Something Big’ About to Happen

Dozens of Psychics Warn ‘Something Big’ About to Happen

Somewhere (GlossyNews) — Wednesday was a hotbed of psychic activity as readings poured in from all over the country from psychics warning that “something big” is coming down the pike. They could not hone in on exactly what it was, but said “it is big, really big.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Strange People6 Comments

Joe Biden Sits on White House Toilet With Door Open and Whistles

Joe Biden Sits on White House Toilet With Door Open and Whistles

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — “Clueless Joe,” as they are calling him these days, seems to be losing touch with reality bit by bit each day, as he wanders through the White House talking to no one in particular and asking the maid if she needs any help. Seems Mr. Biden is finding it hard to keep himself busy as vice-president.

And the latest word from the staff is that Joe has no idea how unnerving it is for people to go past the first floor bathroom near the kitchen and see him sitting on the throne, reading the latest press releases and whistling a tune. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Strange People1 Comment

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