Vice-President Biden Begins Doping for Debate

Last week the big news for the 2012 presidential election was the worse-than-expected performance of President Obama in his match-up with former Governor, and Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney. Although Obama was able to firmly demonstrate that he did have a pulse, little else was evident from his reaction to the many contradictory statements made by his opponent.

That debate was the big match on the ticket for all debates in this election cycle and the undercard of the vice-presidential debate would not normally warrant much attention. Both of the vice-presidential candidates offer something unique to this cycle, one locked into a conservative mantra that leaves out all but the upper 1%, and one who can’t seem to keep his foot out of his mouth whenever the spotlight is shined upon him.

This year we see a big difference in what is expected during the debate this week. A second bad showing within a one week period could prove devastating to the election hopes of the Democratic party so additional time and resources are being quickly shifted towards making sure that Joe Biden is ready for his big night out. There were several internal discussions about whether to just spend the money at Ruby Tuesday’s, but they ultimately decided to continue to pursue a second term.

The vice-president, not known for staying on script, is a performance concern to both the Obama campaign and its supporters, and one that needs enhancement. What they see as the obvious solution is to find a way to tone him down and put out some of that fire in his belly. Whether this will require actual surgery is still being debated by upper level officials.

The first lady has offered several “nutritional” suggestions that would replace high sugar content foods and snacks with more healthy and filling alternatives. This approach is hoped to at least weaken his stamina so that he doesn’t run off on a rant. Though Joe is not known to grab vegetables when offered chocolate, many hope that the brighter colors will at least slow his ability to make a decision.

Former Vice-President Al Gore had his own suggestion, “They should take Joe down to New Orleans and prep him there. Then move the debate to Denver and have him arrive immediately before the start. Hopefully the change in altitude will hit him and he’ll do okay. But oh lord, sweet Jesus, if he does what he normally does this might be another nail in the coffin of their election hopes!”

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton offered her own assessment of the situation, “They would probably be in a better position if they had Socks on the ticket instead of Biden. He never went off script, and he is also dead, so we could at least count on what he wouldn’t say.”

It is unknown whether or not the secret service will sign-off on a backup plan to feed him heavy doses of NyQuil prior to the debate. Either way, the night should be exciting and we look forward to the many soundbites that will be running in political ads the following morning.

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One comment on “Vice-President Biden Begins Doping for Debate

  1. I’m curious to see how this debate goes tonight. Biden has doubtless been charged with reversing Romney’s bounce from the first debate. I’m just thinking Biden might try too hard and come across too strong. We’ll see, won’t we?

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