Natalie Klad, PETA Spokesman of the Greater Cincinnati area, says irresponsible and/or incompetent goldfish owners are contributing to the rise of unwanted goldfish overcrowding animal shelters across the country.
“I believe we all know what happens when you allow unprotected goldfish to have unregulated sex like a drunken Kardashian- lots of little baby goldfish.
And these unwanted goldfish are almost bound to end up being dumped at the local animal shelter or flushed like a deuce, another runner in the night.”
But a nearby woman at the local Starbucks disagrees. She blames it on something entirely else- a nationwide college craze from back in the day. “Local college kids would get stoned on pot or grass, listen to Beatles and Tom Jones records, and then crowd into phone booths and see how many goldfish they could eat in the 60’s. 64, I think.”
“1964?” we asked.
“No, 64 goldfish.” came the reply.
PETA does not remember any college crazes involving goldfish from back in the 60’s, but says there is an easy fix for most of the overpopulation in this country- home neutering.
“It’s really quite simple- scrape out the naughty bits of the goldfish using a safety pin or a really small philips head screwdriver. The only hard part is telling the difference between the naughty bits of the goldfish and the vital organs. But goldfish are a
good source of protein.” PETA goes on.