Category: Religionism
Suicide Bomber Surprise – Few of 72 Virgins Young or Women
TEHRAN, Iran – Future suicide bombers around the globe woke up with a jolt today, when they realized they faced a surprising religious announcement from a leading Iranian cleric. No, it wasn’t the sound of their vests exploding, but it…
Rwandan General Killed Millions, Accepted Christ, Welcomed to Heaven
Due to what some non-theists like to call a “gaping hole in theism”, General Mbutu Ngariao, perhaps best known as the Rape General, third in command during the Rwandan genocide, has been able to eleventh-hour-apologize and slip his way into…
Newlywed Husband Uses Scripture to Write-Off Premature Performance
Jason Margwalter, or Talahasee, Florida, recently wed his highschool sweetheart. Since both of them had saved themselves for marriage, allegedly, they had high expectations for their wedding night. Not all went quite to plan, according to new bride Nichole, but…
Jihadists Taking Pre-Marital Classes to Prep for 70-Virgin Afterlife
The newest Jihadists have been instructed in a rare, word-of-mouth Al Qaeda fatwa to begin learning the most important teaching of their future suicidehood — that of preparing themselves for their final reward, the 70 black-eyed virgins. So-called “fighters” are…
Preacher Terry Jones to Replace Geraldo as World’s Hugest DongGobbler
Not since Geraldo Rivera stood outside Al Capone’s vault, has there been a TV moment with a bigger chance of bombing than Terry Jones’ Quran burning tonight, September 11, 2010. Terry Jones, the firebrand preacher of a Pentecostal Offshoot Church…
Glenn Beck Threatens to Create New Religion “Ameri-Mormonistianity”
Coming off the self-proclaimed super success of his Restoring Honor Rally in Washington, D.C., Glenn Beck has reached the level of leadership needed to take his prophetic brand of hegemony to the next level. But is his firebrand flavor of…
Steinbrenner Options Satan for Minor Mephistopheles to be Named Later
HELL (GlossyNews) — Word comes via famed psychic John Edwards, that legendary sports icon George Steinbrenner has not gone ‘gentle into that good night.’ Other sources confirm Edwards’ assertions. The former Yankees owner has discharged Satan from any further managerial…
Ground Zero Camels More Offensive Than Joe Camel or Camel-Toe
NEW YORK (GlossyNews) — In a scene guaranteed to blow the stacks off the rabid Right, who insist no religion except Christianity should be worshiped within a 12,000 mile radius of Ground Zero, a herd of sub-quattro even-toed ungulates were…
Holy Grail Found Inside Ark of the Covenant Inside Noah’s Ark
Astounding news continues from a Hong Kong based group of evangelical archeologists. The Xinyou Qing Project (rough English translation, ‘We go find Ark now’) first grabbed headlines this year with discovery of Noah’s Ark on Mt. Ararat. Detailed work at…
Anti-Islamic Hackers Alter GPS Script to Divert Mecca-Bound Prayers
JAKARTA Indonesia (GlossyNews) — At the insistence of Muslim holy leaders in the Saudi Arabian city of Mecca, an incredibly accurate new GPS tracking system will be installed to thwart anti-Islamic hackers who have recently been caught attempting to alter…