Rwandan General Killed Millions, Accepted Christ, Welcomed to Heaven

Due to what some non-theists like to call a “gaping hole in theism”, General Mbutu Ngariao, perhaps best known as the Rape General, third in command during the Rwandan genocide, has been able to eleventh-hour-apologize and slip his way into the Kingdom of Heaven.

“We recognize that the whole ‘just accept Christ as your Lord and Savior’ bit may be something of a loophole, but it’s part of our doctrine and the very way we’re able to bring so many into the floppy folds of [last-minute] Christianity,” explained Revererend Markus Nacht, a 19-year-old missionary working in Rwanda. “But it’s this very sort of exception that makes Christianity just so special amongst other world religions, superstitions and assorted faith-based what-have-you’s.”

A number of non-theistic groups have denounced this last-second sort of repentance, including PETA, who has condemned the late general for his failure to use his final minutes among the living to advocate for greater animal rights.

The worst person alive may earn access to the eternal forever-after, so long as he accepts Christ. Conversely, the best person alive who has not accepted, or even heard of Jesus Christ, must surely be damned to hell. These are not our rules, they’re just the rules handed down in the Good Book.

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

2 thoughts on “Rwandan General Killed Millions, Accepted Christ, Welcomed to Heaven

  1. The is like the Pope giving the Paedophile Priets five Our Fathers and five Hail Marys for their penance.

  2. This is similar to the cult now growing among cartel members in Mexico. Their new saint resembles the Grim Reaper and is said to forgive one no matter how heinous their crimes and to lead his murders/torturers/drug dealers into heaven where it is assumed they could continue for all eternity with their negativity. This was written up in the May issue of National Geographic.

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