Church Declares Halloween ‘Demonic’, 5 Old Ladies Shocked

A Smegmashire Church of England magazine – the Avenging Angel – has drawn severe criticism from the laity for describing people participating in traditional Halloween celebrations as “siding with the Devil”.

The Avenging Angel article also claims the children’s practice of ‘trick or treat’ is based on extortion and blackmail and encourages kids to pursue criminal careers as stockbrokers, bankers and politicians. Read more Church Declares Halloween ‘Demonic’, 5 Old Ladies Shocked

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Toy Shop Owner Faces Bankruptcy Over “Cursing” Doll Mix-Up

New York, NY – A Hoboken toy shop owner is suing a Chinese doll manufacturer for unspecified damages claiming that the “cursing” dolls he ordered “don’t even f**king talk.”

Hoping to cash in on the annual round of innocent dolls, i.e. Elmo, Jr., bought by parents that, when taken out of the packaging, are found to be hot-wired to say something off-color, and thereby adding to the doll’s value, Hal Hapless saw an ad in a doll trade magazine for “cursing” dolls made by a Chinese manufacturer and quickly ordered 10,000 of the dolls. Read more Toy Shop Owner Faces Bankruptcy Over “Cursing” Doll Mix-Up

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Kid’s Balloon Stunt Mobilizes Entire Nation

A six-year-old boy thought to have been carried away by a helium-filled weather balloon in Colorado was in fact hiding in the kitchen fridge – behind the remains of last Thanksgiving’s Day turkey, a Dorksborough County deputy informed Fux News.

Dorksborough Sheriff Billy Bob Moronsky later advised media reporters that apparently the youngster – Roland de Ratte – had been there the whole time. Read more Kid’s Balloon Stunt Mobilizes Entire Nation

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Egyptian Student Skips Homework, Beaten on the Knuckles, Chest, Skull

An Egyptian court has sentenced a schoolteacher to 300 hours of community service work for beating a pupil to death because he had not done his homework.

Maths teacher Atilla bin Atwatt threw the 15 year-old schoolboy out of the third floor classroom window as an example, to impress on other pupils their responsibility to hand homework assignments in on schedule. Read more Egyptian Student Skips Homework, Beaten on the Knuckles, Chest, Skull

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“E-Coli Closes Petting Zoos” Says Captain Obvious

Parents should not allow young children to touch animals at petting zoos around the Southampton area of the south coast of England, a Porton Down germ warfare centre microbiologist advised a reporter from the Daily Shitraker amid fears of an E-coli 0157 epidemic beating the forecast Sneezy Pig H1N1 flu pandemic to the starting post. Read more “E-Coli Closes Petting Zoos” Says Captain Obvious

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Vaca Photo Ruined by Spiderman Toy Bragging

If there’s one thing I love more than anything, it’s a “thing”. Can’t tell you what it is, but it’s probably something, and something I really, really love. What I can tell you is what I love more than that, and it’s another thing. Not just “another thing” but the other thing, which is the joy of a random toy, regardless of where it is. This article is in edification of that random, second thing. Read more Vaca Photo Ruined by Spiderman Toy Bragging

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Tribal Native Denies “Being a Ninja”, Secretly Dreams

It was the strangest thing. We were having a runaway, rampant day out, doing our darnedest to span the landscape of the Puerto Rican interestosphere, regardless of the locals’ patent refusals to engage us in our media-istic capacities. It was a trouble we’d faced everywhere, but a resistance I hadn’t expected to face was that upon meeting a poorly-wigged tribal re-enactor, who obviously looked like a ninja, that he’d say he wasn’t a ninja. Read more Tribal Native Denies “Being a Ninja”, Secretly Dreams

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Video Kid Struggles w/ Basic Shooting Principles

We all have our jobs to do around the Perplexing Times offices, and we all do them, time permitting, to the best of our ability. Well, maybe not the best of our abilities, but certainly to the best of our interest in doing so. This staff Videographer we hired, however, is really mooking up the works with his inattention to detail. Read more Video Kid Struggles w/ Basic Shooting Principles

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12yo Boy “Not Father” According Reason, Fact

Alfie McScrunt, the boy who was reported to have fathered a child when he was 12 years old, is not the baby’s father, DNA tests have shown. Alfie, now 13, of Smegmadale’s Sink or Swim Housing Estate, told the ‘underage sex’ columnist from the Cormorant Strangler’s Gazette that he was ‘dead chuffed’ (Chav-speak for ‘proud’) he’d got his 15-year-old girlfriend ‘up the tub’ (further Chav-speak for ‘preggers’). Read more 12yo Boy “Not Father” According Reason, Fact

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US Fathers Pledge to Model Obama: Promise Kids Puppy If Elected President

Taking up the difficult charge requested of the nation’s newest president, fathers around the country have stepped up to make difficult choices and keep hope alive in the next generation. Many are doing this by emulating the exact behavior of Barack Obama and promising their dog demanding children that they too can have a puppy… you know, when dad gets elected president. Read more US Fathers Pledge to Model Obama: Promise Kids Puppy If Elected President

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More Parents Monitoring Children’s Web-Porn Viewing

LOS ANGELES – More parents are taking the time to monitor the pornography their children view on the internet, according to the second annual Walt Disney Co. study on the subject. Disney reports that 71% of the 774 parents surveyed limit the types of pornography their children may access. Read more More Parents Monitoring Children’s Web-Porn Viewing

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