U.S. Department Stores Renew War on Christmas

U.S. Department Stores Renew War on Christmas

If you haven’t entered a department store since early October, local man Skip Peters thinks you may be in for a shock. “Not one employee will wish you a merry Christmas,” he claims.

According to Peters, stores across the country have boxed up the lawn inflatables and dancing Santas, along with their holiday cheer. What started as a protest by Starbucks has quickly spread across the nation.

As Peters puts it, “They’ve stolen the joy from young and old alike.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

Children’s Alphabet Book Author Struggles to Find Animal Starting with Elemeno

Children’s Alphabet Book Author Struggles to Find Animal Starting with Elemeno

C is for cat and E is for elephant.

Every young child in the English-speaking world knows these two basic facts, thanks to the rhymes and illustrations of children’s alphabet books.

However, it turns out, according to author Alfred Labette, that these books have not been entirely forthcoming with the younger generations since their inception.

Labette shared a little-known secret that nearly every alphabet book published since the height of the Roman Empire has skipped past the under-appreciated Elemeno.

“People assume X is the letter that gives us all the trouble,” Labette explains. “But it’s really the elusive Elemeno that makes things difficult. And no wonder it’s forgotten with how quickly we rush through that part of the song.” Alfred, or Alf to his friends, says he has approached the problem from multiple angles, including using animal names from other languages and even mythical creatures. “I’ve got some ideas brewing that are lightyears beyond any other of those sophomoric authors,” Labette declares with pride in his eyes.

A tortured soul to say the least, Labette wakes up every morning, stares at a blank piece of paper for three hours, and then pours through line after line of text on the Internet, looking for inspiration until the caffeine and vitamin B finally wear off. His deadline is fast approaching with just under three weeks to find the answer.

Still, Labette is confident he will have the first true alphabet animal book assembled and published, complete from aardvark to zorgon.

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Kidz Zone0 Comments

Witnesses Spot Roger Goodell Fleeing Stadium With #12 Jersey

Witnesses Spot Roger Goodell Fleeing Stadium With #12 Jersey

When the confetti finally settled in Houston’s NRG Stadium Sunday night, Patriots quarterback and Super Bowl LI MVP noted something was amiss.

It seemed in the excitement, an unknown perpetrator made off with a sweat stained, body odor drenched, torn up, and oversized tee-shirt bearing the number 12. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Scandals0 Comments

Tom Brady’s Cheekbones Now Undeniably the Greatest in NFL History

Tom Brady’s Cheekbones Now Undeniably the Greatest in NFL History

In a stunning comeback that saw records set for the most Super Bowl wins by a quarterback, most passing yards in a Super Bowl, most times as Super Bowl MVP, most catches from a single receiver in the Super Bowl, biggest point deficit recovery, the first Super Bowl overtime, and the most combined firsts and mosts in a Super Bowl…

The New England Patriots once again found themselves at the top of the NFL heap, cementing Tom Brady’s Adonis-like cheekbones as the greatest in football history. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Events, Sports Scandals0 Comments

HOT OFF THE PRESS! DONALD TRUMP SEX SCANDAL! (& First Executive Order)

HOT OFF THE PRESS! DONALD TRUMP SEX SCANDAL! (& First Executive Order)

Immediately following his inauguration, President Donald J. Trump issued his first executive order; demanding records from AT&T, Comcast and other Internet Service Providers for anyone who has ever googled naked pictures of Melania Trump. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Top Stories0 Comments

Millions of Children Suddenly Disappear and Reappear While Getting Dressed

Millions of Children Suddenly Disappear and Reappear While Getting Dressed

Parents are still coping with the devastation left by this morning’s widespread disappearance of children across the US. Panic swept the nation as millions of households counted the youngest members of their families among those missing.

“He was there one moment putting his shirt on,” explains Utah mother Blaire Page, “And then he was gone.” But this inexplicable phenomenon took an even more startling turn for the Page family just moments later. “There he was again. As if nothing had happened.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Kidz Zone3 Comments

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