Seattle, WA – (SatireWorld.com) – At the Dingleberry Regional Mall there was a bit of excitement during the first official day of the holiday shopping season…Mall officials fired Santa Claus!
The Christmas holiday season in this part of Washington state is usually started by the opening of the Santa Claus portion of the mall’s large atrium where a fully garbed Santa sits and holds toddlers and adults on his knee hoping to grant them ‘Christmas Wishes’.
PHOTO INSERT: It was the last straw for mall employers when a camera caught mall Santa Brian W. staring down the blouse of Cindy Shaw, the wife of mall president Melvin Shaw. ‘Looking for one of my missing contact lenses,’ wasn’t considered a viable excuse and Santa was sent packing by mid-day on Saturday much to the dismay of hundreds of waiting kids.
On Saturday with well over a 100 bright-eyed kids eagerly waiting in line, mall officials closed the curtains and fired part-time Santa Brian W. and ordered him off the mall grounds. The reason? Getting a bit too friendly with the adult women who sat on his lap while the camera attendant snapped photos that were display on the mall’s giant TV screen!
Eloise Camp, age 62, said she had her buttocks probed as she sat on his lap…”He was massaging my ass for almost 10 minutes. It was disgusting!”
Another woman, Delores Phipps, age 27, had a similar experience as she sat on Santa’s lap…”He kept asking if I was a ‘good girl’ and said if I were bad he’d give me a special present after my husband left for work!”
Finally, when curvaceous Cindy Shaw took a seat, cameras caught the bug-eyed Santa staring down her low cut blouse…That was enough for Melvin Shaw, husband of Cindy and the Dingleberry Mall president, who had had enough and fired Santa on the spot.
The now ex-mall Santa, took a few moments to explain his side of the story to a reporter from SatireWorld…”I wasn’t feeling nothing. I just had severe thigh cramps and my muscles kept quivering. Besides that, I lost a contact and I thought I saw it laying on Miss Shaw’s propondorous breasts, I mean what would you do?”
The Salvation Army has promised Brian a prominent spot to set up a kette and ring a bell in front of the Pussy Cat Lounge on County Road 34 starting on Monday. Brian assured SA Commander Rogert Lumpert that he would wear glasses and leave his contacts at home. To assure no hanky-panky Lumpert required the new Santa to wear oven mittens and not standard fingered gloves.